Should You Let Your Boyfriend Pay For Everything?
“I’ll pay this time,” he says, like last time, and the time before.
A 2017 survey found that 85 percent of men still think they should pay for the first date, topping the 72 percent of women who thought the same. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, perhaps it’s time to rethink: Should I let my boyfriend pay, again?
However before we dive into this question, there are a few assumptions and things to highlight here. One, the term “let” implies that the action is a voluntary one from the male. It is important to note that the situation being discussed here is one where the male partner is paying for the female partner out of his own will, rather than the female expecting him to pay. Two, the discussion here is limited to heterosexual relationships that involve one guy and one girl. This is not a matter of inclusivity, rather it is because the situation in a non-heterosexual relationship would be very different as it doesn’t quite fit into the patriarchal power dynamic that will be explored in the following.
Is It Always Bad?
“When my boyfriend and I go out, he never lets me pay for anything - because he was raised to pay for the lady. It makes me feel useless and like I can't contribute to our social activities. I feel like a kept woman,” a female Redditor wrote in one post. I will touch upon how societal influence and upbringing affect the man’s perception of his ‘gentlemanly duties’ in a relationship later, but more importantly, this Redditor highlights an important issue here - a controlling boyfriend.
While the boyfriend may simply want to be good to her, this isn’t always the case. A healthy relationship needs communication, compromises, and mutual understanding. While some girlfriends might feel fine with this monetary expression of affection, some might not. In the case of the latter, the boyfriend should not insist, especially if your girlfriend has already expressed discomfort in you paying for you guys’ expenses. Forcing your partner to follow your rules is nothing more than a controlling behaviour that neglects the other partner’s feelings. If you ever encounter such a situation, do sit down and talk it through with each other.
“But hey, I don’t have a controlling boyfriend. So it’s okay for him to pay for everything, right?” you may ask. However, this isn’t only a matter of the power dynamics within the relationship between two individuals, but also the imbalance that stemmed from the long-standing patriarchy and gender inequality in our society. So even if the above situation doesn’t apply to you, yes, it may still be a bad thing.
Benevolent Sexism and How It Affects You
“Bestie, don’t overreact. He wants to pay for you because it’s his love language” is what many of my friends tell me when my gentlemanly boyfriend pays for all our dates. While this response is not an uncommon one, it downplays the seriousness and repercussions of benevolent sexism.
Having the adjective ‘benevolent’ in it doesn’t mean that it is inherently good, and in fact, it’s quite the opposite. Benevolent sexism refers to attitudes to women that seem positive in tone, but nonetheless connote inferiority to men based on fragility, lack of competence, or need for help and protection. It appeals to both genders because it allows men to fulfill their ‘gentlemanly duties’, while women get their free meals.
Yet, despite its friendly facade, benevolent sexism hinders the fight for gender equality. This Forbes article exploring ‘how chivalry contributes to the gender pay gap’ elucidates the impact of benevolent sexism on female career paths. In the article, Elsesser argues how the career ambition of women who believe their male partners should be chivalrous protectors and providers are replaced with the desire to find a good protector and provider instead. At the same time, these women fear that their own success will make them less appealing to men, hence shy away from achieving more in the workplace, resulting in the gender pay gap. However, even if you’re not one of these women who believe in the patriarchal provision, benevolent sexism still makes you a victim at work, as women cannot expect to be treated as self-sufficient, independent, competent employees when the culture suggests the opposite. Therefore, to all my feminist friends out there: Yes, it still affects you.
Even outside of the workplace, benevolent sexism sends the message that gender inequality is justified. On the surface, it seems to benefit both partners in the relationship, but in reality, it does the opposite. Patriarchy certainly puts women at a disadvantage, but benevolent sexism glosses this over with some immediate rewards. When a woman declines a man's offer, they not only lose the immediate rewards of a free meal but may also be perceived as cold and ungrateful. On the other hand, men don’t benefit from this either. The traditional stereotype that men’s chivalry, like paying for dinners and expenses on a date, reflects resourcefulness and his caring nature in women’s perspective. This explains why men often feel compelled to pay for everything, but additionally, the idealization of this chivalry also perpetuates this expectation of paying for females as a sign of politeness for men, creating the social pressure for men to pay for women in a romantic relationship. Ultimately, it demotivates both men and women to call for a change.
It’s Not Entirely Men’s Fault
To understand how benevolent sexism is shaped, we must understand where the root of many men’s sexist and patriarchal values comes from. It’s not like they are born to believe that they should fulfill certain gentlemanly duties, like paying for meals, pulling the lady’s chair for her, and walking on the outside of the sidewalk. As with most cultural norms, practices, and expectations, societal influence and upbringing instill these values in a person.
It’s no surprise that they pick up these ideas from the media or their parents, especially given the relatively traditional values of the last generation. If you see your dad checking the bill and buying your mom Swarovski earrings on their anniversaries, it’s normal that the young man would grow up to do the same to his female partner. Men do this mostly because they have internalized this outdated sense of masculine responsibility over time, without really thinking about what these chivalrous actions imply and the context from which they came.
Back in the days, it was a man’s place in society to be the breadwinner, while most women were only allowed to stay home. Men were expected to be the ones paying for everything - because their female counterparts couldn’t do so under the unfair and restrictive patriarchal system. However, we are now living in a very different society. Although the gender pay gap is still a standing issue - whether it’s due to occupational segregation or the ‘motherhood penalty, it is undeniable that women have been playing a much more significant role in the workplace in recent decades. Therefore, as we look at the issue in 2022, it is clear that the modern term for what he is doing isn’t chivalry, but benevolent sexism.
Although the blame is not entirely on the man per se, it is important to let him know that what he is doing is problematic. Let him know that you understand that he is coming from a good intention, but what he is doing is ultimately a reinforcement of negative gender stereotypes, like women being the weaker and needing special care and protection from men.
What Can You Do?
While the situation and practices in each relationship differ, it’s important to let your boyfriend know why ‘him paying for everything is problematic. These acts, though kind-intentioned, are rooted in patriarchal principles and perpetuate patriarchal attitudes in our society.
So, insist on splitting Valentine’s Day bill. Not just for yourself, but your fellow ‘besties’ out there as well.