Collegiate Blues

illustration from Emma Baynes

I’m not quite sure how I ended up in the position I am right now, but here I am, looking at a WikiHow article on how to eat chips quietly. Overthinking is an arduous course my brain enjoys meandering down -- while I was attempting to enjoy my evening, munching on Trader Joe’s snacks, my stomach tightened. What if I crunched chips too loudly? Would this make my roommate hate me? Naturally, ignoring the perfectly lovely nature of the human I have the privilege of living with in the fall, I went down a WikiHow rabbithole. Saturate the potato chip in saliva so it washes down any ailments of homesickness quietly. Crunch with the back of your teeth to muffle the sound and memories with old friends from home. Eat a single chip at a time and analyze your crunching habits as closely as you monitor your high school crush’s social media presence. 

Calendar dates recently crept up on me as summer has quickly melted away into indelible moments with friends and seconds that I want to hold onto forever: incoming college students find themselves a mere few weeks into their move-in date. As nostalgia gets the best of me, as I find myself craving Gushers and goldfish more on the regular, I’ve been reminded of an elementary school read -- The Giver. Sitting sandwiched between a close friend and a horribly unrequited crush in sixth grade, I further fell in love with the written word as I delved into Lois Lowry’s world of gorgeous colors. I’m reminded of the scene in which Jonah is unable to describe how he is feeling while he is on the precipice of a milestone in his community. He settles on “apprehensive,” which can be denoted as feeling anxious about the future lying in front of an individual. 

Is it too obvious that I’m terribly apprehensive for the collegiate future that lies in front of me? In the matter of a few sun-drenched months filled with laughter and long, warm evenings I’ve become a microcosm of so many emotions it’s been difficult to keep track. Anxiety, excitement, terror, anticipation, dread, fear, fulfillment, sorrow. 

The oddest part about this, for lack of a more comparable cliche, rollercoaster of emotions is that the generation of new college students have to float through this summer, determined to make the most of it while looking at good friends begins to physically pain their heart; the memories that are so present right now will be mere thoughts while sitting in a library late at night finally finishing that essay for a random history course at two in the morning. The hometown that you and your friends once loved to complain about is now being viewed in rose-colored glasses as the realization hits you: in the grand scheme of things, you were just another transient soul that the local fast food restaurants, Target parking lots, beaches, or other hometown hotspots watched you drift in and out of briefly. Friends will coalesce into the occasional FaceTime calls to gossip about meaningless high school classmates and update one another about recent hookups or class achievements. First loves that once promised forever will become ineradicable scars on your heart and means of comparison for new loves to measure up to. For a time that young people are so insistent on not “peaking” during or “having too much fun,” it’s a significant period in one’s life, one that’s characterized by the most intense emotions we may ever feel. 

And now, we delve back into the world of being on the bottom of the food chain: incoming freshmen. Clueless, doe-eyed students who are trying to find new routines and new people and new study spots and new go-to restaurants and new classes. Stripped away from comfortable familiarity, we now find ourselves figuring out the world of a communal bathroom and shower shoes, not spending too much money on on-campus coffee shops, having complete freedom of the meals we consume (one can have chicken tenders and fries for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, right?), finding the perfect dorm decor that isn’t trying too hard, and being added into countless “Class of 2025!!!” Snapchat groups. It’s petrifying, but also crazy exciting. 

Now, we have complete freedom to put energy towards people with all kinds of life experiences. We can take the charge on our education and pick classes that peak our interest the most. We can explore the new campus that we will one day call home. We can once again find comfort in the great unknown, all while maintaining relationships with family and friends back at home. 

This is a scary and exciting, and a plethora of more explorative adjectives, time. Although goodbyes have a bit of an oxymoronic name, as they are more like “difficultbyes,” incoming freshmen can look forward to the future, one filled with freedom, something we all haven’t experienced for a while. Wherever your next footsteps are taking you in the fall, I wish you the best of luck. Despite it’s misleading definition, apprehension is an exciting state to be in -- how lucky are we to have friends and family so beautiful to make leaving such an arduous task?