One Direction to My Heart

It was the summer of 2011, otherwise known as the summer my six-year-old camp friends and I fell in love for the first time. One Direction, a pop boy band hot off the British singing competition "The X Factor," just dropped the music video for their debut single "What Makes You Beautiful" on Youtube. Although the track arrived in late August, with thousands of likes rolling in every minute, it was clear this was the new song of the summer.

When I first heard my campmates and counselors screeching, "Baby, you light up my world like nobody else / The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed / But when you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell / You don't know, oh-oh / You don't know you're beautiful," I was pretty confused. I didn't know what song they were singing, who One Direction (or 1D as fans call it) was, and why everyone was obsessed with them. The only access I had to YouTube was through my parents, and they certainly didn't care about Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Naill Horan, and Louis Tomlinson, the English-Irish boys of the band.

Eventually, I watched the music video and found myself humming the tune by the time it was over. I was a Zayn girl at first, then a Naill girl, but after the summer was over, One Direction slipped out of my mind. But they did not fall out of sight. Throughout the next four years, four of 1D’s five albums debuted at #1 on the Billboard 200 chart, they toured the world four times and sold 23.7 million song downloads in the U.S.

While I did sleep through their success, I partially woke up when Zayn announced he was leaving One Direction in March of 2015. That morning, on the radio, audios of fans--also known as Directioners--screaming and crying played on loop. I shrugged, and when the remainder of the group announced they were going on "hiatus" months later, I didn't care much either.

Oh, how naive I was.

Fast forward six years, and as a sixteen-year-old, I have fallen in love with One Direction even faster than their rise to the top.

Now, this love is one-sided. Today the band's "hiatus" looks a lot more like (to quote Taylor Swift, Mr. Style's ex-girlfriend) they "are never ever ever getting back together." This is not my first time being a stan — a devout fan of a particular person or group, but stanning a band that doesn't produce new content or even exist anymore is very different. But different doesn't mean bad. All good things come with a price, and the heartthrobs of 1D are all worth it.

Part One: Infatuation

Let's rewind to last June. After an influx of One Direction videos flooded my TikTok For You Page, I decided to at least give the band a try.

I found a video titled "One Direction's Complete X Factor Journey," and transported myself to 2010. While I wasn't watching 1D compete on X-Factor in live time like OG Directioners, the charisma of every boy hooked me from the start.

Harry, Zayn, Niall, Liam, and Louis all started as solo acts on the show. From Harry's adorable cover of Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely," and Liam's veteran attitude as a returning act, passion pulsed through each boy's audition. While none of them sounded like superstars yet, their thirst to be great musicians had the potential to push them each far into the competition. However, midway through the season, music mogul Simon Cowell suggested that though none of the boys knew each other, they should come together and form a group to have a real shot at winning this 7th season. So, with tears in their eyes and stardom in their hearts, they joined as one and promised to only go in one direction — to the top.

One Direction placed third that season; nevertheless, they ranked #1 in Cowell's heart. Immediately after the competition, he signed the boys onto his music label. A year later, 1D dropped the single that graced my ears during that sunny camp day.

After binging all the X-Factor videos, I quickly fell into a "1D rabbit hole." I became fluent in the language of inside jokes (I will never look at carrots the same,) favorited the One Direction edits I once loathed, scrolled down to the bottom of the boy's Instagrams during embarrassing hours of the night, and crept dangerously close to buying an "I <3 British Boys" tee (sorry, Niall!) However, it took me a year of being a fan to listen to any of 1D's albums. I was so enthralled by the ridiculous charm and chemistry of the boys; I forgot that what they became famous for was music! Now, I have listened to their first three albums: Up All Night, Take Me Home, and Midnight Memories. Of course, 1D blew my expectations through the roof.

Up All Night is like your freshman year of high school — drenched in youth and a little bit of "Omg I used to sound like that?!" Take Me Home is sophomore year with a cleaner sound but inevitable goofiness. But then, Midnight Memories is junior year — time for a makeover. The boy's voices are more mature, the lyricism kicks it up a notch, and while there is a layer of grit in each song, a rosebush of heart peeks through now and then in tracks like "Story of My Life" and "You & I." 1D proves songs don't have to be a musical masterpiece to make you feel good.

Recently, I've been watching all the band's music videos because while it's cheesy — when they smile, I smile. Reading fans' comments from nine years ago makes my heart swell. Yet, I can't help but feel a cast of gloom overtake my body.

Like the asteroid that wiped out dinosaurs, these comments reminded me, One Direction's good years flew right before my eyes.

Part Two: An Iceberg of Isolation

In One Direction's 2013 documentary, One Direction: This Is Us, Naill says to the camera, "People always say in interviews, "Do you think the fans will grow up with you?" The truth is, they've already grown up with us."

Likewise, the worst part of growing up is realizing one day that you are grown. No one knows this better than Directioners. In 2015, when Zayn announced he was stepping down from the group to "do what feels right in [his] heart," and be a "normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight," fans, at last, realized the great times of One Direction were crumbling away.

That August, when the final four announced they were going on hiatus in January to pursue solo endeavors, some fans remained hopeful. Seventy months later, it is clear for 1D, the "D" in "End," is set in print.

Gabbi, my best friend and a Directioner from the start, remembers the day the band announced hiatus. "I was ten or eleven when the rumors of One Direction's split started to spread," she texts me. "I didn't have any social media so I couldn't tell if it was true or not. In January, watching the “History” music video, I came to the conclusion that it was practically over and cried a lot. It was a change that the boys probably needed but 11-year-old me was not having."

Many Directioners went through all five stages of grief that day. Screaming in bathroom stalls, sobbing over pillows, and begging for things to go back to "normal."

With all the pain that surrounded the last year of 1D, it's understandable why so many fans are protective over the band and wary of new fans like me. I see the sense of community fans feel when recalling the wildest days of the fandom. That time a recent photo shoot of the boys dropped, or the drama that sparked when a fan said her favorite song was "What Makes You Beautiful." You honestly wouldn't get these minuscule events unless you were there, and I wasn't.

Yet, sometimes people go too far. For example, last year, July 23rd marked One Direction's 10th anniversary. While most Directioners poured their love out for the band with pictures of themselves in merch and streamed their tunes, some acted like cat ladies protecting their baby boy kittens. "Unless you went to a One Direction concert you aren't a true fan," I saw someone post on Instagram. It didn't matter if you were six when One Direction formed — if you didn't love them from the start, you had to shut up.

As a new fan, this is not the type of environment I wanted to walk into. But I know to every fandom there is an underbelly of love that trumps hate. Thankfully I found this welcoming side through @Jilliancriesalot on TikTok. Her lovely video series, "Explaining One Direction Jokes for New Directioners," helped me find my footing as a fan. While there are still comments of, "don't let the newbies in," — if you genuinely care for the boys, you would want the whole world to rejoice in their ambiance year after year.

Sometimes, I still feel an iceberg of isolation keeping me from being a "true" Directioner. I will never be able to see all five boys in concert together, no matter how many times I rewatch their cover of "Teenage Dirtbag." I will never know the adrenaline rush of waiting until midnight for a new 1D album to drop. But, I can not reverse time. Even if I could, I would not. One Direction entered my life at a time when I needed them the most. I was not meant to be an OG Directioner, and I am finally at peace with that.

Part 3: For the New Directions to Come

Five strangers with different styles, voices, and backgrounds, thrown into a band for a singing competition, should not have worked. But it did.

Sometimes, all we can do in life is be grateful for what happened because they wouldn't have in an alternate world.

Writing this in late June, I am reluctant to listen to One Directions' last two albums: Four, the final album with all five boys, and finally Made In The A.M. It's not because I am afraid the songs will be bad, or I'll be disappointed. Instead, I know when I listen, there will be nothing new for me to discover in the 1D world. Niall, Louis, Harry, Zayn, and Liam helped me find out so many new things about myself, and I'm afraid to let go of the journey of being a new fan.

Still, I know my days of exploring myself are far from over. As the boy’s solo careers flourish, their music will be the soundtrack to my adulthood.

Towards the end of One Direction: This Is Us, all the boys gather around a campfire. "I'd like to be remembered for the records that we did," Naill says. "Do you know what?" Louis cuts in. "It'd just be amazing to be remembered even, like, as a mum telling her daughter: "The boy band at my time, One Direction, they just … they just had fun. They were just normal guys, but terrible, terrible dancers."

I will undoubtedly be that mom crying to "Story of My Life," dancing to "I Want," and blasting "Rock Me," as I drive down the freeway, Louis. One Direction helped me realize, there will be many directions you can follow in your life. But the one direction that will never fail you is the one your heart desires. Harry, Zayn, Niall, Liam, and Louis have helped me follow that path to be a better Sanai.

For that, they will always be a part of me.