The Art of Confrontation Paves the Way to Forgiveness
illustration by Yinne Smith
We’ve all been there — a friend that you thought you were close to keeps saying those hurtful things about you to get a laugh from the group chat, or a family member betrays your trust by telling the ex-boyfriend they liked something about you that you didn’t want them to know. There’s this feeling of the face going flush, our heart dropping a bit, and the frustration bubbles to the surface on your face, and nobody dares to say a thing. They don’t see why you could possibly be upset, and if they do, they don’t care.
In moments like this, I bite my tongue. I let my fist unclench. A sigh escapes my chapped lips. The sinking feeling fades as it drops out of my body only to circle to my mind later. I might go to the bathroom for a quick minute, mutter a couple of “fucks,” but then I regain my composure and pretend nothing has gone awry. I won’t bring this up until I call my mom later when she can tell something is wrong.
What has made me respond like this? Some people I know would have totally called the person that hurt them right out on the spot. They would have pulled them aside and gently told them what they did wasn’t ok. More often than not though, these people are rare and hard to come by. Somehow, we’ve convinced ourselves that it is easier to not hold people accountable for the way they maltreat their so-called “loved ones.”
Part of this is to blame on what we’ve been taught about forgiveness. Forgiveness has been painted as this picture of giving those who have done us wrong the benefit of the doubt. It is the world of peacefully giving second chances without adequately correcting their behavior because we’re all sinners. We all have our shortcomings and make mistakes that hurt others, therefore, we should say a quick “sorry,” and the world will be made whole again.
Growing up religious, people would think I’m fairly forgiving, but I’m only forgiving in my appearance. I’ll treat those who have hurt me with a smile and kindness that would suggest nothing went wrong. You would never even know that deep down I don’t trust this individual and that I’m still angry about what transpired.
A specific example: my old college roommate. I was in the wrong, and I apologized, but she did everything in her power to ensure I wouldn’t be forgiven. We played these passive-aggressive games, but then she ended our time living together with a text message that read how “great” of a roommate I was, and that she still wanted to be friends. The nonsense of it all proliferated, and now we’re in the same friend group. It’s hard being around her “fake nice” persona when I know she still talks behind my back and has spread lies that have damaged other relationships of mine.
I still pretend though — all for the sake of keeping the masterpiece of civility intact, although I would like to take my acrylics of frustration and tear the world apart.
We’re taught a disingenuous version of forgiveness. We believe confrontation is inherently bad, and that it ruins any chance we have at keeping the peace. The only option is to move on without uttering the word because “it’s the right thing to do.” No wonder we’re so uncomfortable at the idea of telling others when they’ve done something wrong or hurt us — we’ve become too familiarized with this façade of tranquility that we forget the scabs and scars that exist.
However, to start confronting people now seems like a scary and unimaginable jump. We don’t know where to begin. Do we tell them right away? Do we confront them over text, over the phone, in person? Do we have another person in the room?
I once made the decision to confront my best friend during a low point in our nearly decade-long friendship. She wasn’t hanging out with me as much, on top of some other things that I felt like a true friend wouldn’t do. It didn’t necessarily result in the best way: she told me she didn’t remember doing those things. However, seeing how upset I was, she apologized. It took time for me to trust her again, but she did make an effort in repairing what had not necessarily been broken, but slightly chipped.
Between my two experiences of not confronting a person versus confronting them, I would say that confrontation actually helped me to genuinely forgive, move on, and heal more — even if it didn’t immediately result in the “picture-perfect, immediate” forgiveness I was taught. Confrontation actually helped show my best friend and I have what it takes to weather the storm and manage the hiccups life presents to every relationship.
In my experience of bottling up my anger and frustration, I have had more resentment and heartache develop in my psyche that did not serve anyone or anything. In fact, my lack of confronting my old roommate directly is what most probably gave our friendship the “kiss of death.”
Confrontation is messy — I’m not denying that at all. It’s like taking a bunch of oil paints and realizing the colors don’t blend well in some spots. You still started a painting though! There is still room to finish the painting if the other person you are confronting genuinely receives what you are telling them. It might not happen right away, and it will take a decent amount of time, but it is possible for some genuine, no-BS healing to occur. It is possible for the painting between two at odds to be finished.
If a confrontation doesn’t go well . . . well, we’ve seen in the movies how things turn physical. I imagine this happens, but the worst confrontations I’ve seen stem from someone being too prideful or narcissistic and it’s clear they will never do anything to fix what they’ve done. In their eyes, they haven’t done or said anything wrong, and ultimately it’s all on you. Show them the door. Block them. Ignore them. Don’t worry what they think of you (this is the hardest step for me).
These poor confrontations suck, undoubtedly, but they shouldn’t deter you from confronting others in the future. Just think of bad confrontation experiences as being moments that give you the option to bail out on a negative, one-sided relationship, friendship, or acquaintanceship. There will be some true friends that will respond better in the future, I promise. Now, go get some ice cream to combat that short-term shittiness.
When a confrontation actually yields some progress (remember not perfection), celebrate it. Thank your friend/family member/whoever you just confronted for hearing you out. Let out that sigh of relief. Laugh out any other tension that may have resulted from mustering up the courage. Be proud that you stood up for yourself.
I know whoever is reading this has found themselves wanting to confront someone in their life. Think of that person right now, and do it the next time you see them. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but you’ll get the swing of it (ish, I’m still learning too). I hope we can remove some of the stigmas surrounding confrontation, and stop putting this false image of forgiveness on a pedestal.
Tips for Confrontation
Tell them how you feel ASAP — sometimes it’s immediately, especially if it’s safety-related. I say no later than three days after what they have done to upset you, just in case you need to compose what you want to say. Any longer and you might convince yourself it’s not worth confronting them when it actually is VERY important that you do.
Personally, I confront people privately. There are fewer distractions and less input from others, so the results are usually better. However, if it’s safety-related or you feel the need to, confront them in public.
Confrontation teaches you and other people to communicate better. It’s necessary.
Try to confront someone in person because it leaves less room for misunderstandings and misinterpretations (I know, it’s COVID, so this isn’t always possible). Next is a phone call (better yet, write out something ahead of time to say on the phone call), and then the last resort is a text message.
Be open to the truth of forgiveness. It isn’t going to be an immediate hug or a field of roses. Forgiveness and healing take time but don’t shy away from actually forgiving another person if they put forth the effort.
A “sorry” is nice only when they follow up with their actions. I’d almost rather not get a sorry and have the other person “shape up,” but that’s just me.
Be prepared to be on the receiving end of some confrontations. It’s always a possibility that you are the “toxic” person in some people’s narratives. Don’t defend, don’t interrupt. Listen.
Practice with someone else who knows the person you’re confronting. It sounds dumb, but it might help.