The Art of Saying No
We all know the story: a man walks up to you. Let’s say it happens at the coffee shop you work at while you’re behind the counter making a latte, or maybe in the hallway of your school while you’re waiting for class to start. Maybe he’s a little nervous, smiling sheepishly as he gets ready to ask you, or maybe he’s overly confident, approaching you with a grin that says “you can’t say no to this.”
If he’s confident, he’ll say it straight up, thinking he’s smooth: “So you wanna go out sometime?" maybe adding his own creepy flair by calling you "baby" or "hot stuff."
If he’s a little more sheepish, he probably won’t say it directly: maybe a nervous “Let me know if you ever want to hang out,” or, God forbid, the dreaded “Maybe we could go to the Dave & Buster’s together sometime” after he ranted at you about how great their game Rampage is and how he’s been trying to beat it for the last month.
Whatever the reason, you’re just not interested in this guy. It’s nothing against him, really, it’s just how you feel, and that’s okay. And yet, you don’t know how to break the news to him.
The easiest way to get out of it is to make an excuse. If you don't want to lie, then you'll say something like "Oh, I'm just so busy!" or "I'm actually banned from all Dave & Buster's" but then he'll probably try to find another time or place to go. The most foolproof excuse, you've learned, is to lie and say "I actually have a boyfriend!" or "I'm gay!" (which actually might not be a total lie).
At this point, any guy reading this will probably ask why girls have to play all these games instead of just saying "No." Well guys, let me tell you: we've tried that plenty of times before, and even though it seems like the most straightforward way to reject someone, nothing confuses a guy more than a "No."
So let's imagine it. If you give the guy a polite “No, thanks,” chances are that won’t be enough for him. He’ll push you, asking “why not?” or pressuring you in that ~fun guy~ kind of way saying “Come onnnnn, just give me a chance!” or even making fun of you, "What, you're not up for it?" Whatever the approach, the goal is always to make you feel bad for not wanting him, and because you never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, it fucking works.
At this point, the situation is just awkward and you like him even less. Hopefully, you'll stand your ground and continue saying no, even if it's apologetic. But then again, it might just be easier to give him your number (or even better, a fake number if you think quickly enough) so he'll just go away right now and you can ghost him later. Let's just hope you didn't cave in and actually go on the date.
Okay, so is it obvious by now that I'm speaking from personal experience?
Luckily, by age 21 I've finally learned how to give men a firm and clear "No" without much remorse, but that only came after years of practice evading guys' advances. So why did it take so damn long?
Part of it was just me; I've always been a people pleaser and a little bit shy. But even some of the most confident girls I know have fallen under the same pattern of evasion over confrontation. Why? Because as women we're taught that above anything we're supposed to be nice at all times no matter how uncomfortable it makes us. We're taught that our purpose is to attract men, that we should be grateful every time we are wanted regardless of what our own feelings are. We're taught not to upset anyone, not to cause commotion and not to take up space. We're taught to prioritize other people's feelings––namely, men's––over our own. All this, while men are taught that they are entitled to women's bodies and their love.
And that's pretty fucking ridiculous.
Thankfully, times are changing. We're seeing more and more girls being unapologetically beautiful, smart, and confident. We're standing up for ourselves more and more, and the word "No" is becoming so much more familiar.
Girls are finally learning to act on a new set of truths: we are powerful, our feelings matter, we deserve to take up space, we shouldn't minimize our own emotions to make others feel better,
and for fucks sake, we're allowed to say No.