5 Toxic Red Flags to Avoid in 2021
2020 was a rollercoaster for us all, so it’s no surprise to see people happy to ring in the new year! With 2021 comes the opportunity to have a brand new start, a clean slate for new resolutions and goals that we might have, and for many of us, one of those goals include cleansing from negativity and drama in our lives.
When it comes to friend groups or partners, it’s sometimes hard to realize red flags, and even harder to accept how harmful they may be. Here are five toxic traits, habits, signs, or sayings to pick up and watch out for among people in your life:
1. Phrases they say that essentially mean drop them, and do better.
This pertains more specifically to someone you’re “talking to.” Certain sentences like “I don’t know what I want right now” or “you deserve better than me” insinuate that they’re not willing to put forth the same amount of effort that you’ve been putting in. They’re aware of the way they’re treating you, that it’s not what you deserve and that they don’t want to change.
Jokes about your insecurities or future goals are a major red flag, as well. When coming from your friend or partner, it may be a lot harder to pick up on the toxicity of these comments, but you should take them seriously nonetheless. If you’ve heard any of these things from a person in your life, it’s your sign to respect yourself and move forward.
2. The relationship isn’t bringing you any joy.
Being with your partner is supposed to bring you comfort and happiness, but if all you feel is constant sadness, anger, or anxiety, it could be a sign that this person is toxic. Any negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags, too. Beginning to lose interest in hobbies you once felt passionate about and feeling like you can’t talk with or voice your concerns to your significant other are all signs that something is wrong.
Always ask yourself, are you tolerating the many lows for the few highs? Loving them shouldn’t hurt you. If they’re bringing you more negative emotions than positive emotions, that person isn’t good for you! Communicating how you truly feel will never ruin a real connection.
3. They make you feel bad for not spending time with them, or doing your own things.
Look for changes in how you spend your time, both with your own hobbies and with hanging out with other friends. Does your partner demand your constant attention? Do you feel exhausted after spending time with or talking to them? Speaking with your partner should make you feel happy, not stressed or anxious.
If they’re controlling what you do, when you do it, or who you speak to, that’s a major indicator of toxic, manipulative behavior. Set firm boundaries to protect your peace of mind, and stop feeling bad for them. Often times, the controller will try to invalidate the other person’s feelings and make them feel small and ignored.
4. Gaslighting.
When people show you who they truly are, believe them. Become more aware of their patterns, and if they’re really worth your energy. Gaslighting is a form of verbal abuse that causes a person to doubt themselves and their sanity. It isn’t always so easy to catch because of how swept-under-the-rug certain sayings can be. Some phrases to remember are:
“I didn’t do that.”
“You’re so sensitive.”
“I never said that.”
“You’re so dramatic.”
But sometimes, it’s not always that clear. Gaslighting can also be someone just blatantly lying, denying actions when you have proof, victimizing themselves when you confront them, projecting their struggles and insecurities on you or just being inconsistent. Forget what they say and focus on what they do, actions will always speak louder than words.
5. The relationship diminishes your self-worth.
If you feel like you can’t do anything right or ever please your partner/friend, maybe the relationship is all wrong. When you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't acknowledge your value, it can be hard to see it yourself. Stay true to yourself and your values, listen to your heart, and be strong if you need to remove yourself from a toxic relationship.
Many times, victims in toxic relationships feel as if they can “fix” the other person. They can’t. People typically hope that they can make them better, and pay attention to a better idea of who they wish their partner was rather than who they actually are.
Cutting ties with people, whether they be platonic or romantic, is never easy. All relationships are worth fighting for until they’re not. Maybe they’ll choose you, and maybe they won’t, but none of it will matter if you choose yourself and get out of a situation that’s no longer healthy for you!
Remember that it’s completely okay to outgrow a relationship that once served a different version of you, as we are all constantly growing and evolving into our best selves. Don’t waste your only life catering to people who make you feel miserable! With this new year comes a fresh start, so be intentional with who and what you carry into 2021.