Lies You’ve Been Told About the Clitoris

Most of what the average person knows about the clitoris is just. Fucking. Lies. Unsurprisingly, this is largely thanks to powerful cis men spreading their baffled confusion. The clit has been abused, ignored, and in some cases literally removed from history.

Knowing the clitoris is essential to great health and great sex. Let’s uncover the truth and reveal why our misconceptions got so fucked in the first place. 


1. Virginity is a social construct.

As Sexplain states, social constructs are ideas that were created by society so we can “make sense of the world.” These constructs can have a powerful impact on the people that enforce them, but they were still created by society for society. 

Virginity is one of these constructs because there is no biological basis behind this idea. While many people point to the hymen breaking as a sign of virginity’s existence, we know that hymens can also break from inserting tampons, horseback riding, or activities outside of sex.

The idea of virginity is also vastly different between cultures, genders, and sexual orientations, further implying that it is a social construct without biological meaning.

This doesn’t mean that you have to give up on the idea of virginity. If it’s important to you, feel free to make this act as meaningful as you would like it to be. But don’t assume that everyone else is the same, and definitely don’t feel bad if your “first time” isn’t as magical as you’d hoped! 


Which leads us to our next point.

2. You do NOT NEED penetration to “correctly” have sex. 

Unfortunately, the most classic narrative of virginity involves a cis man putting his penis into a cis woman until they both orgasm. This is an incredibly limiting definition; it manages to exclude the LGBTQ+ community, make a hierarchy of sexual acts, and put pressure on both parties if they don’t achieve orgasm.


While cis men are certainly also harmed by the stigma of being “virgins,” this historical concept of virginity is largely rooted in the desire to control cis women (and, as previously mentioned, exclude all LGBTQ+ members from the narrative). We can thank dear Sigmund Freud for that! 

According to Dr. Wednesday Martin’s book “The Button,” Freud created the idea that vaginal orgasms are “mature” and womanly while “clitoral” orgasms are girlish. With this teaching, the “Father of Modern Pyschology” shamed women throughout history for their “infantile” orgasms; he even indirectly inspired his student Marie Bonaparte to perform mutilation surgery on her genitals so she could (unsuccessfully) achieve such an accomplishment. 

In reality, while studies have shown evidence that the “clitoris” and the “inner vagina” do produce two distinct types of orgasm, anatomy reveals that these orgasms both come from the same organ. While these studies refer to the “clitoris” as the outward “button” at the top of the vulva, the outward button is actually connected to a large organ with internal nervous tissue. Both this “internal” and “outward” tissue make up the entire sexual organ called the clitoris. When stimulating the inner vagina, you are actually stimulating the internal clitoris. 

All this to say: there is a difference between “clitoral” and vaginal orgasms, but one type of orgasm isn’t “better” than the other. (And, in actuality, they should both be called clitoral orgasms.) This idea of “penetration” virginity was wrongly created by Freud and wrongly enforced today.

So don’t feel bad if you can only come from “clitoral” stimulation, and keep in mind that you can have sex in many different ways — all of them valid. (Even if you don’t orgasm.) 


3. The clitoris has MORE nervous tissue than the penis.

But let’s get back to the internal clitoris. What the fuck?

Yes, the clitoris is responsible for all your pleasure. It’s why many, many “vaginal” orgasms occur ONLY after the outward clit is stimulated; it all goes back to the same organ.

And actually, according to “The Button,” this thing has 8,000 nerve endings and is 14 times more sensitive than the penis. Just a fun fact. 

4. The vagina can have more orgasms than penises in a set amount of time.

Another fun fact? The idea that “it’s harder for vaginas to orgasm than penises”? One more fucking lie.

The Centre for Marital and Sexual Studies in California reported that the highest multiple orgasm rate was 134 in one hour for “women” in comparison to 16 for “men.” (I’m assuming all these participants were cisgendered.) 

So while it may or may not take more time to get vaginas to their first orgasm, there is no reason to believe that it’s easier for penises to achieve pleasure. The clitoris has more nervous tissue AND a smaller refractory period. Heteronormative, cisgendered sexism simply DOES NOT prioritize vaginas over penises.

Yeah. Get angry. Look at how much pleasure you’re missing out on. 

5. Dr. Charles Mayo Goss literally erased the clitoris from history.

So how did we let “the orgasm gap” get so bad?

We know the loser Freud’s largely to blame for his “mature, vaginal orgasm” idea. But he’s definitely not the only one. 

Dr. Charles Mayo Goss got confused by the clitoris...

And decided to prioritize his confusion by erasing it from an illustration in the 1948 edition of “Gray’s Anatomy.”

Which. Like. Medical students studied from. And doctors referenced. So a huge group of medical professionals didn’t even know the clit existed. 

Nearly half a century later, Dr. Helen O’Connell revolutionized medical history by finally publishing an accurate replica of the clitoris. She used MRIs to construct the anatomical image, and she is largely credited as the first person to show the clitoris’ true shape. 

Without taking credit away from O’Connell’s incredible work, it’s pretty horrifying that this “revolution” only happened in 1998. For reference, we discovered cells in 1665. (Or 1838, if you want to be technical about observation and theory, but does it really make a difference?)

So thank you to O’Connell, and a huge middle finger to Freud and Goss. With her work, we’re one step closer to understanding the clitoris and its orgasms.

6. The goal is to create a safe, sexual environment. 

At the same time, orgasming isn’t always the goal.

While, yes, orgasms are a LARGE part of sex, it’s not the ONLY part of sex. The point is to feel good and express your desire (or love!) for your partner. It’s not a single action driving at a destination; it’s an experience made up of multiple different decisions and actions, and you should be having fun with the general process — not just at the end. 

In fact, sometimes the overbearing emphasis on orgasms can lead to performance anxiety. “Learning to focus on pleasure, relaxing your body and your breath and letting yourself enjoy the experience help tremendously... Supportive partners who do not require that their partners function perfectly all the time have the best chance of resolving these issues,” sex therapists Dr. Danielle Harel and Celeste Hirschman tell Huffington Post.

I’ve heard a few sex therapists speak at events, and they’ve all emphasized that sex isn’t orgasming in a specific way; it’s creating an environment where maximum enjoyment — orgasm or not — is fulfilled. A clitoral orgasm is sex! Using toys on your genitals is sex! Mutual masturbation is sex! Even if you’re not directly touching your partner and making them orgasm, you’re still having sex! Don’t be boxed in by these expectations, and relax. There’s always time to get that orgasm later. 

7. You need foreplay.

I mean, this might seem a little obvious, but you’d be surprised. While quick sex can also result in orgasms, in the longterm, sex and relationships both benefit from foreplay action. This could mean anything from kinky performances to acts of intimacy such as kissing or taking baths. Healthline defines it generally as “erotic stimulation preceding intercourse,” although some people believe it can include intercourse itself, and others believe it doesn’t have to “precede” anything. 

It simply makes sense that your clitoris can’t orgasm without a little build-up. But even without focusing on orgasms, there are so many reasons to engage in foreplay. It feels good, “lowers inhibitions,” “helps build emotional intimacy” in relationships, and can alleviate the stress that’s affecting your libido. 

And, yes, foreplay benefits all genders and all genitalia.


8. DON’T draw the alphabet with your tongue when going down on a vagina.

Bad Girls Bible gives a pretty comprehensive guide to eating pussy here: https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-eat-pussy. (To any trans and/or genderqueer readers, be warned that there’s a lot of gendered language.)

The article states that drawing the alphabet with your tongue is the number one mistake to make when eating out a vagina. It’s better to be consistent with your pressure and motions; get into a rhythm, listen to your partner’s reactions, and adjust appropriately! 


9. Size does not matter! 

Yes, this article is about the clitoris, but the penis also gets a bad rap sometimes. Specifically small penises. 

As we’ve discussed, sex isn’t just penetration. Whether their other partner has a penis or a clitoris, there’s a lot a person can do with only their hands or mouth. 

But let’s talk small penises in relation to the vagina specifically. Because we know the clitoris is so important, a person with a small penis can focus on stimulating the clitoris instead of penetrating the vagina. And if they really want to engage in penetration, there are ways to increase friction and pressure by switching up positions. (This article by Bustle details some of these positions, but again, I will warn that it has very gendered language.)

And honestly, for some people, small penises are preferred because it makes sex less painful. If you’re particularly tight or sensitive in whatever hole you use, a small penis can be your solution to a pleasurable experience. 


10. Sex is awkward! 

Sex is awkward, it’s not perfect, and that’s okay! Don’t feel bad about it. It’s a learning experience, and we still have a lot to unlearn (once again, thank you, Sigmund Freud). 

So manage your expectations a little, but also know that you deserve the most sexual pleasure and enjoyment from your relationship. Don’t let incorrect facts about genitalia tell you otherwise. 

Jennifer Marerbatch 1