My Year of Queer
2020 really has been an event, to say the least. With COVID still being ever-present here in the UK, it seems like the pandemic will majorly spill over into 2021.
The pandemic brought with it a long lockdown, in which I spent a lot of time researching for the final essays of my degree, sending voice notes to friends, and taking long spring walks. The time that lockdown gave me was perhaps a slither of silver lining to the monstrosity of COVID. I was afforded the time for self-discovery, exploration, and acceptance.
As we begin our foray into 2021, I wanted to reflect on the past year and my journey to self-acceptance and coming out (hoping to throw a few tips in there along the way).
Here’s a little back story to my sexuality - I feel like I have always known deep down that I was queer, but definitely unconsciously. I simultaneously knew and didn’t know at the same time, which will sound odd to non-queer people but it is similar to when you know you know something but you can’t remember what it is you know - you know?
Looking back now, I can map out the actual crushes I had on girls, which were just put down to girl crushes. One of my problems growing up is that we normalised having crushes on girls as not being actual gay crushes - it was just another form of appreciating and admiring another woman. But shock horror, they can be romantic crushes too.
I first came out as bisexual when I was 17, to one of my best friends who was openly gay. For quite a while, he was the only one I confided in about this revelation. I didn’t majorly come out to most people in my life until I was 20, which still felt super daunting.
I was happy identifying as this label for a few years but at the start of 2020, I started to get an ache in the depths of my body that being bisexual wasn’t sitting quite right with me. This brings me to my first tip: try to find a network of queer people to confide in. I use the word network loosely, as I had two of my best friends that I would bombard with voice notes and thoughts at early hours of the morning and they were ready with their experiences and advice in tow.
Chris and Amy - I honestly can’t thank you enough for the help, encouragement, and guidance you have given me during 2020. Without you, I don’t know if I would have dug as deep as I have done. The lockdown afforded me the time to have super in-depth discussions and send 40-minute long voice notes (sorry Ames) and pour over forums and YouTube videos of people sharing their experiences.
It wasn’t only Chris and Amy I confided in. I had some other really, wonderful queer friends, too. Having that support system of people that can relate to what you’re going through is just incredible.
I know not everyone is as lucky as me to have queer folks already around them, but there are other ways to meet people. The internet is such a great tool (when used carefully of course) - Bumble’s friend option is a wonderful way of meeting like-minded people, Twitter, Reddit - queer people really are everywhere, you’ve just got to know where to look.
There also might be support groups in your city or area which can be another great option. Coming out and self-acceptance can be tough on your own. If you can, it is beneficial to have people around you cheering you on and guiding you through the unknown.
Coming from a small town, there wasn’t much queer representation anywhere, and back when I was a teenager, the only TV representation you’d get was the odd character in a soap. I remember downloading TikTok in March just to make funny dance videos and then being sucked into this whole world of information and education.
Gay TikTok is actually amazing. There is so much representation of all types of people and sexualities. It might sound inconsequential but the impact of seeing someone and thinking hey, they look like me *and* they’re queer too, adds such a boost to your self-acceptance.
After going through a couple of months of self-exploration, I landed on a label that seemed to fit me best. I battle between queer and a more specific label, but I am comfortable publicly defining myself as queer, and then a more narrowed down label with people who know me in my personal life.
Having the time to sit with this big part of me and just nurture the thought for a while was such a gift that I am not sure I could have received without the pandemic. Those couple of months were super tricky in many other aspects but I am so thankful for that time.
When our lockdown started to ease in June, I decided to hop on the dating apps. Those are a real journey, as I have touched upon in one of my previous articles, but they’re also a unique experience.
I spent my summer chatting with other women, going on dates, and finding my fashion sense. This part of my 2020 was probably the most exciting, as I got to test out my realisation. I finally started to feel like myself, which is liberating and strangely familiar.
The rest of the year consisted of more lockdowns, navigating my first queer relationship, and feeling more and more comfortable with who I am. 2020 was a rollercoaster, to say the least, but it also sculpted the strong, confident woman who is going into 2021.
My year of queer has been tumultuous, exhilarating, exhausting, and joyful. It is so liberating and relieving to say that I am queer and proud. In many ways, I would like to sweep 2020 under the rug and forget it ever happened, but it will remain a pillar of time that handed me that self-acceptance I had been craving for years.
As an extra treat, here is a shortlist of some queer media I have consumed in 2020 which I highly recommend.
Books:
Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
Untamed by Glennon Doyle
Girl Woman Other by Bernardine Evaristo
Films/Documentaries:
Waterlillies (2007)
Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019)
Carol (2015)
Secret Love (2020)
The Handmaiden (2016)
Happiest Season (2020)
Music Artists:
Girl in Red
FLETCHER
Lucy Spraggan
Clairo
Dodie