The Five Quarantine Love Languages
graphic by Zoe Gigis
If you enjoy taking tests about yourself, you might be familiar with the concept of the “five love languages” — or the ways people show and receive love. The trademarked website lists five official love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts.
For example, your aunt might prioritize physical affection in relationships, but you might prioritize gifts. That disconnect could lead to your aunt feeling unloved when you reject a hug, or you being hurt when she forgot your gift at home. You both love each other, but your “love languages” simply don’t match.
Since quarantine, I’ve been debating the validity of these love languages. Its core idea that “people interpret love differently” makes total sense. And I’m glad someone packaged this concept into something simple and entertaining. Optimistically, this quiz could encourage people to have fun while fixing their relationships.
Pessimistically, I have a few concerns about this presentation. While the website never outright states that its quiz is a personality test, it definitely feels like one. When I first took the quiz, it felt like my love languages were integral to my identity and could never change.
In reality, these results are probably more environmental than genetic. If you grew up without a lot of money, you might appreciate gifts more than someone who grew up wealthy. And if you didn’t receive a lot of tactile affection as a kid, physical contact might strongly entice you — or strongly repulse you — as an adult.
The cause of these “love languages” doesn’t invalidate them; the way you receive love is still important. But if there is a strong relationship between these love languages and your upbringing, then your love language is based on a lot of cultural factors. And that means the results will change as you change.
What bothers me the most is that there are only five “official” love languages. Who’s to say there aren’t more? Why wouldn’t new love languages appear as our environment shifts? And in 2020, the United States’ environment shifted… a lot.
To make this concept up-to-date with 2020, here are five new love languages I experienced during this pandemic.
1. Virtual Words
I’m a bad texter. I see a text, immediately feel too exhausted to deal with it, and forget about it. My friends can attest that I won’t respond for days at a time. More than once, I’ve taken a few weeks to get back to people I was talking to.
But some of my friends share memes like it’s currency. They’ll give me songs to listen to, videos to watch, screenshots of tweets they liked… And over quarantine, they’ve had a lot more time to collect and distribute those things.
I still take a few days to text back. But I know that in this pandemic, sometimes texting’s the only way to stay connected. So I force myself to respond before the weekend, and I hope that my friends know I’m making an effort to show my love in their language.
2. FaceTime
I’m not a good texter, but I’m great with FaceTime. Even if I plan a ten-minute call, I’ll end up talking for hours.
Recently I stayed up with a friend listening to music until midnight. For most of the call, we didn’t say anything; we just did some work and used Discord to synchronously experience the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack together. It was probably the highlight of my week.
I also poignantly remember a Zoom call that happened at the beginning of quarantine. Like so many others, I was at a low point. I felt trapped and empty. It was hard to look forward to anything happening in my life at all.
That call made me feel more supported than I had felt in a very long time. I hadn’t talked to these two friends in years, but so much love and kinship still existed between us. They reminded me of a place I could always return to. A conversation that would always continue.
There’s something special about the people that schedule a video call with you. They show you that they’ll make time in between time zones, and they’ll fit you into their schedule even though it takes some effort to bridge the distance.
There are friends that will only speak to you when you’re in the same room or extracurricular or friend group. They’ll remember you when you’re in front of them, and they’ll forget object permanence when you’re gone. These are convenience friendships, and everyone has them, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with them, but they’re not meant to last.
To me, FaceTime friendships are the opposite.
So if I FaceTime you, know that I’m in it for the long haul, and I love you.
3. Acts of Resistance
Let’s get one thing straight; it’s not love if people in power are trying to resist oppressed groups. That’s actually the opposite of love — and the opposite of resistance. That’s hatred and control and an attempt to hoard privilege and power.
But towards loved ones who hold privilege, acts of resistance are certainly a love language. If someone is telling you how you harm oppressed groups, they trust you enough to hold you accountable. Education from your friends and family is love. They want you to be better. They’re telling you how to be better.
Resist ignorance and silence. Tell the world, I love other humans and don’t want to oppress them.
And I am not free until everyone is free.
4. Rejecting Physical Touch
Holding a hug back. Saying “no” to that vacation. Avoiding my grandmother’s face so I don’t get her sick.
Telling my friends to stay six feet away from me, even with a mask, just in case.
This was the most difficult part of quarantine. I love physical affection. I love hugging my friends the second they walk through the door. I love squeezing next to someone on a couch. I miss holding hands, throwing an arm around a shoulder, and walking side-by-side down a street.
But more than that, I want my older relatives to live to see another year. I want to avoid giving loved ones chronic health issues. And I want my immunocompromised friends to know that I value their life more than I value my need for physical affection.
Don’t hug me; I love you.
5. Giving Passwords
And, obviously, the most powerful love language of all is giving your streaming passwords to someone. How else are you supposed to survive quarantine? (Don’t tell Netflix or Disney.)
It’s hard to find a silver lining to 2020. It almost feels wrong to search for one; how can we say there’s a “bright side” to systemic death and loss?
But we need love to survive. And if you search for it, it’s there. In between text bubbles and Zoom links. Through Netflix Party chats and Club Penguin dates and Twitch streams. Creativity perseveres, and we survive and love and live.
I’m sorry if I don’t text back.
FaceTime me tomorrow.
Don’t hug me.
I love you.
Sources (in order of appearance)
“The 5 Love Languages®.” The 5 Love Languages®, Moody, LaCroix Design Co, 2019, www.5lovelanguages.com/.
Locker, Melissa. “Why Some People Hate Being Hugged, According to Science.” Time, 4 Sept. 2018, time.com/5379586/people-hate-hugged-science/.