Why You Shouldn’t Date For Marriage in Your Teens & Early 20’s

illustration by Honey Simatupang

As I have grown older, I have become increasingly unsettled with the idea that the end goal for any given romantic relationship is marriage. I always hear people giving the advice: “don’t get into a relationship with someone unless you can see it lasting!” or even just people claiming that they “don’t date people unless they can see themselves marrying them.” I am very aware that many of the people who say these things see marriage in a completely different way than I do, whether that be for religious or cultural reasons, but I have hope that our generation is slowly moving away from feeling the need to marry so early on in life. No matter if you have been fantasizing about your wedding night your whole life or if the idea of long-term commitment makes your stomach turn, I think the idea of dating for marriage when we are so young can be detrimental to our relationships in the long run.

I’ve heard so many people claim that they are concerned about “wasting time” in the dating world as if they believe that not finding the love of their life in high school or college means that there is no hope for them. The story of the “high school sweetheart” or even the “college sweetheart” has been peddled to us our whole lives, so it makes sense that so many people have this mindset--I just don’t think that it is our society’s reality anymore.

At our age, either in our teens or early twenties, we are constantly growing and changing. It is difficult to know what works for you and what doesn’t in your relationships if you’ve had very minimal experience in the dating world; I have had relationships in which I was convinced that I was so happy, but over months or years, that feeling eventually fizzled out. This was usually because both of us were so young, and still are, and therefore are in a constant state of change. Sometimes our partners will grow and change with us, but a lot of the times they don’t--and that’s okay! It is practically impossible at this age to guess where your heart will be in six months, let alone in six years.

What I’m trying to say is, if the person you’re with right now is really “the one,” then they will still be the one five, ten, fifteen years from now. You don’t need to jump into marriage just because we’ve been told our whole lives that it is a necessary step in serious relationships. A lot of people, especially women, feel immense pressure from society (and even more often, family) to settle down, get married, and have children according to a certain timeline. There is nothing wrong with wanting all these things and more as you grow older, but it is also important to remember that there is also nothing wrong with doing things according to your own schedule. Just because your mom had you when she was 25 doesn’t mean that you even need to be considering starting a family at that age.

You are allowed to date whoever you want to date, even if you know your relationship might not be long-term. I believe that people can be completely right for you during a certain time in your life, but then be completely wrong for you at another. I can’t count how many times I’ve looked at a current relationship and known how wrong it would’ve been had we met even a few months earlier, and the same goes for knowing that my past relationships wouldn’t fit with the person I am today. 

In addition to all this, putting the pressure of marriage and children on your relationship will likely cause more harm than good. Going into every single relationship pushing the narrative that “either we break up or get married” is flawed on so many levels. Those who see marriage as the “finish line” to their relationship will be quite disappointed when they realize that marriage does not guarantee anything--not love, not loyalty, not happiness. All of that has to come from you and your partner working and growing together, which is something that sounds easier than it is.

Maybe you’ll meet someone tomorrow who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, but then again, maybe they’re only around for a few months or years. Either way, it doesn’t make the relationship any less meaningful--it isn’t about the length of time you’re together, but the things you learn about yourself and each other. Your teens and your twenties are a time for self-exploration; if you have a timeline for your life events or accomplishments it will only add to the stress and anxiety you feel about the future. This developmental period should be spent focusing on ourselves and what we truly want out of our lives, not what other people have told us that we should want.