A Tribute to Girlhood

Melissa Febos’ Girlhood consists of  seven powerful essays about the factors that influence girls and their transformation into adulthood. The essays illustrate Febos’ personal experiences and includes interviews with several other women explaining their own stories. Febos takes readers on a captivating journey of the many challenges and experiences that come with being a woman. From catcalling to being forced into consent as a way to avoid bruising the male ego, Melissa Febos explores every uncomfortable part of girlhood. 

 I believe this book is immensely important. It sheds light on the often ignored experiences of  the lives of women. This book made me realize that I am not lonely in these experiences, rather that these are struggles that every woman has been affected by. She was able to put my emotions into words and made me rethink every encounter of my adolescence. Before reading Girlhood, I did not understand just how deeply the desires of men and their idea of who I was affected me. I think that as women we are taught to believe that our worth is defined by men. The unspoken effects of the patriarchy condition us to put the needs and wants of men before our own. We get caught up in this idea, thinking other opinions of us have more power than our own, and we need to understand how to unlearn these thoughts. Through her words, I believe Febos does an amazing job of helping readers forgive themselves, let go of their internal loathing, and realize the lasting impact their girlhood had on them. 

When I read Febos’ book, I found myself resonating with the idea she had of herself in her younger years. I could see my younger self and understand the impact of the experiences I often viewed as unimportant — now realizing just how important they truly were. Every ounce of shame or guilt that rushed through me during these years came back to me and made me realize that I shouldn't be punishing myself for the behaviors we are conditioned to follow. After all, as a young girl I didn't know that other paths existed.

One story that has been swirling in my mind since reading Girlhood is about this one woman she interviewed. The woman had been raped by her boyfriend, however, she never saw the event as rape until she was older. She explained that while she was layingin  bed unconscious, her boyfriend had sex with her. When she attempted to talk to him about the rape, he made it into a joke, which led to her brushing the assualt off, being gaslighted into viewing herself as ‘overdramatic.’ She explained how she didn’t feel like she could classify it as “rape” since it was her boyfriend, and she thought others’ experiences carried more trauma than hers did. At the time, she was young and found it difficult to view her body as her own. As women, we are often socialized to believe that our body is not in our control. Men feel entitled to it, as if our body is theirs to take.

Febos explores other ideas in her book. Such as the fear of not pleasing others, self-care, sexual trauma, and how consent is often “empty” or given out of fear. Several women explain that they had been put in situations with men where even when they had wanted to say no they had ended up acquiescing. One of them described that it had been easier to say yes than to utter the word “no” because she knew that if she had, the man she was with would refuse to take it as an answer. She explained that it was easier to agree then to have another individual force himself on her and take away the little power she had in the situation. This can be referred to as “empty consent.” As women we are often led to believe that “no” is a bad word or that we will come off as rude if we use it. Therefore, we are conditioned to believe that we have to say yes — even if it crosses our boundaries.

Febos describes her own struggles with this by using the example of her attending a “cuddle party.” This was a meeting — often for the touch deprived — that allowed them to be around others, hug them or shake their hands, whatever they were comfortable with. During this cuddle party the instructor explained the rules of consent very clearly and stated that each participant had to give verbal consent before anyone was allowed near them. If they were uncertain, that was to be taken as a no. Febos explains that this event required them to do exercises where one participant was to ask a question several times and the other was supposed to say no. Even when she was instructed to say no she still felt guilt consuming her. She still felt the need to smile kindly and be apologetic for not allowing another person to invade her space. 

Each essay is able to deliver such striking commentary on our culture and the social conditions that shape into who we become. It was filled with raw vulnerability, strength, and honesty. It is a collection of essays that allowed me to gain a deeper understanding of my own experiences through resonating with other women. In this book I found kinship, forgiveness, and relief. I truly believe there is something everyone can resonate with in this book and every woman should read it.