Bleached to Buzzed: A Journey of Hair, Confidence, and Letting Go

Having naturally curly hair paired with a mother who didn't know how to take care of it led to frizzy, poofy hair. My hair always looked somewhat off, so I never tried to style or save it. I would wear it in a slick back ponytail in elementary and early middle school or simply brushed. Going to a private school did not help the situation. The dress code, including "natural hair colors," allowed some girls to get away with highlights. Others simply had to work with what they had. Up until middle school I never really cared about my hair, the health of it, or how it looked. 

When I transferred to public school, my relationship with my hair changed. Immediately, I begged my mom to let me dye it. At first, it was blue hair chalk that ended up dyeing more of my face than my hair. Then it was dyeing over my extremely dark brown hair with temporary dye, which ultimately didn't do much. Finally, I got my ends bleached and, eventually, my whole head. In middle school, I went from red end tips to full blue hair in about a year. This was the stage in my life where I truly began to not care what other people thought of me. My confidence grew, and I found a way to express myself through my hair after years of wearing a uniform and keeping it simple. 

In my hometown, the massive difference between private and public schools wasn't the uniform or curriculum, it was the time difference. I had to get up much earlier for class than I ever had before. This quickly led me to throw my hair up in a ponytail and let it be. I wanted the lowest maintenance haircut possible. Starting with the classic undercut, I got addicted, and I shaved one side of my head and then the other. Leading me to have a poof of hair on top of my head that went down to my chin. I thought I looked like Demi Lavato when in reality, I kind of looked like a weird muppet. But the confidence was there, and that's what was necessary. 

Fast Forward to 10th grade. 2016, the peak of Stranger Things season 1 hype and the peak of my absolute laziness when it came to my appearance. I was unironically wearing pajama pants, flip-flops, and graphic tank tops from Hot Topic to school every day. I had reached the lowest of low maintenance possible. (Now, if you're wondering where Stranger Things comes into play here, Eleven has the lowest maintenance haircut possible. The buzzcut. After binge-watching the series, scrolling through Buzzfeed videos and cosmo articles about shaving your head, I knew that's what I wanted to do.)

My mother wasn't the biggest fan, but she helped. She asked that I keep at least an inch of hair just in case. We did…it didn't look good. But, it was considered buzzed, and I couldn't have been happier. About a couple of months later, I got down to a proper buzz cut. That was it. I had freed myself from the upkeep of my hair and the insecurities that came with it. My confidence skyrocketed, and I enjoyed that freedom. 

I used this time to upgrade my wardrobe, makeup, and overall attitude, and I lived with the buzzcut for about 5 years. It's easy to see in hindsight, but I had never understood how people could stick with one haircut for so long, but now I understand why. This haircut became a part of my personality in a way. It was one of the first words people used to describe me, and it was my most prominent feature. The only other comparable thing was my height. I clung onto this sense of self, surrounding my hair, so tightly that I honestly never thought I'd grow my hair out. 

I realized I had to re-evaluate my relationship with my hair. This was my freshman year of college, Fall of 2019. I had met new people and grew past my high school version of myself. Maybe it was time to grow out my high school hair as well? Although I understood my hair wasn't benefitting me as much as it used to, I couldn't seem to stick to growing it out. It would get to the first awkward phase, and I wouldn't have time to style. Then, I'd just shave it back down again. It was hard to go from such low maintenance, shaving it once every other week, to having to style it with products or heat or else. I placed so much worth on my hair, and it was challenging to face that it wouldn't look good for a while.

Then March 2020 happened. We all know what happened. I'm not gonna go into it. Finding myself back at home and taking classes from behind a screen with only a front-facing view from my camera, I found it easier to slump back into my 2016 low-maintenance style. Part of this included me not shaving my head as often. I'd let it get to a certain length and then shave it, but one day I just stopped. I decided that if I'm gonna grow out my hair. It might as well be now during this "little quarantine period." At this point, every teenager on TikTok was doing one of two things: dyeing their hair to look like Narcissa Black from Harry Potter or shaving their head. It was honestly a bit harder than I thought to not shave it again. It was me returning to my comfort zone. However, I knew that I needed to do this if I was going to feel free from the tether I tied to my hair and my confidence. 

My hair grew pretty quickly, and looking back at my TikToks from that time, it didn't look as bad as I thought. My natural curls were back, and my hair wasn't frizzy or damaged. It took about a year, but it finally reached my shoulders, was easier to style, and looked intentional. My buzzcut was officially a past haircut.

Is my hair still poofy and frizzy because I refuse to take care of and style my natural curls? Yeah. I grew my hair out, that doesn't mean my low maintenance mentality really went away. I've already bleached and dyed it red, then dyed it black almost a month later. Now, I'm rocking bangs, and some layers which seem to line up with Stranger Things season 4 Eleven.

Does my hair enhance my overall look? Yeah. Do I need it to look nice for me to feel confident? Not anymore. I thought my hair journey ended with me shaving my head, and I thought that's when I was free of insecurities. However, in reality, it's just another haircut. Letting go of the tether between appearance and worth can be the first step of true self-confidence.