Codependency: The Significant Ways in Which Growing Up With a Dysfunctional Mother Figure Can Trigger Codependent Behaviors in Your Future Relationships
Graphic by Yinne Smith
When I was sixteen I started attending therapy for the first time, because amongst all of the other (and notably, much more serious) struggles I was facing at that time in my life, I had also just experienced my first taste of heartbreak after being dumped by the first boy I had ever fallen in love with.
Five years later, and I've survived several real broken hearts and "I'm breaking up with you" texts – all of which left me feeling just as vulnerable to love as I did back in that therapist's office all those years ago.
I use the word "vulnerable" when describing love because that's the way it's always made me feel. I've always struggled with putting any boundaries in place out of fear of rejection – constantly worried that I'll lose appeal and stop receiving the validation and attention that I so desperately rely on from a relationship. This fear had left me (naively) believing that I'd only find true happiness once I'd found "the one" that would fall in love with me and fix all that felt broken within my life (and myself).
I spent the first twenty-one years of my life thinking this was a normal way to feel. That losing yourself within a relationship was just an inevitable part of falling in love. Yet, after spending the past five months embracing time spent alone with myself, partaking in spiritual practices such as meditation and journaling, I've been beginning to grasp a much better understanding of not only myself, but a term that resonates with me completely – Codependency.
Codependency, as described by my favourite self-healer, Dr. Nicole LePera (also known as The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram) is "the chronic neglect of self in order to gain approval, validation, or identity through another person".
In other words, codependency stems from a deep-rooted feeling of insecurity.
After delving deeper into the concept of codependent behaviour and all of the different ways it can manifest itself into relationships, both platonic and non-platonic, I've learnt that it's a behavioural pattern that's subconsciously learnt throughout childhood. More specifically, it's a behavioural pattern that is heavily determined by the way our mother takes care of us whilst we're young – both emotionally and physically.
However, it's important to note that although codependent behaviours are primarily learnt subconsciously through our mothers caregiving – that doesn't necessarily mean they're entirely to blame. The reason for this is because, unfortunately, low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy (particularly within women) is often passed down like a generational curse from one mother to the next. In essence, this means that the way we're treated by our own mother is usually just an incessant pattern of behaviour that acts as a reflection of their own, personal suffering.
To grasp a better understanding of this, I read a book titled "the emotionally absent mother" last month, detailing all of the ways in which our mothers can impact the inner beliefs we have of ourselves. Within this book the idea that a mother's caregiving can either be beneficial or detrimental to our grown self is reinforced with the belief that "how we are put together, how we see ourselves, our sense of self-esteem, our unconscious beliefs about relationships - all of these are strongly imprinted by our mother".
By acknowledging the substantial impact that our mothers have on our sense of self as we grow during the early stages of our life, it makes sense that we all grow up with potentially skewed perceptions of who we are and what we're deserving of when it comes to giving and receiving any type of love and affection. However, the blessing (and curse, potentially) with healing from codependency, is that it forces you to recognise and address all of these beliefs about yourself that you've been suppressing for all of your life.
Essentially, this means that almost all of my own codependent behaviour stems from my past, younger self that still exists within me – the shy, vulnerable, emotionally deprived nine year old version of myself that often felt overwhelmed and scared without the protection of someone else. This little girl clings to each new relationship out of fear and desperation, not love. She's seeking someone that will nurture her and ease the pain that she's been suppressing for years.
Dr. Nicole LePera describes this emotionally deprived little girl as the "inner child". She states that "the inner child is a part of each of us. We present as adults, in adult bodies, but there's a child part of self that stays with us. All of our childhood emotional experiences, unmet needs and learned responses live within our inner child".
Taking this time to educate myself, I've learnt that if I want to break my codependent behavioural habits and rebuild a stronger, more loving sense of self-worth, I must first start with nurturing the inner child within me. I must make the conscious choice to begin exploring why my need for male validation and attention has such a big impact on the way I choose to value myself –and more importantly, why I put men on a pedestal and allow myself to naively believe that I'll only know true happiness once I've found "the one" to fix me.
Putting my shame aside, I'm beginning to realise that losing myself within each and every one of my romantic relationships ultimately serves as a reminder that there's still so much inner work and self-healing to be done.
And although it's slightly overwhelming and uncomfortable at times, I choose to look at this newfound self-awareness as an opportunity to grow into a version of myself that won't rely on external validation, because she'll already know she's enough. Likewise, rather than continuing to suppress my need for validation and affection, I now welcome the feelings with love and acceptance because I know that rather than it being a reflection of my "neediness", it's a reflection of my vulnerable inner child that is asking for her needs to be met.
There's still so much healing to be done, yet I'm beginning to find blessings within each new day as I eagerly work towards reconnecting with myself and reminding myself that all of the love and acceptance I've been seeking out from others for all of my life, already exists within me.
Sources
Dr. Nicole LePera, "The Holistic Psychologist" www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist
Cori, J.L., 2010. The emotionally absent mother: A guide to self-healing and getting the love you missed. The Experiment.