Labels Are For Clothes

Graphic by Yinne Smith

When I went public with my first official girlfriend, people were quick to ask: “Well, are you a lesbian now, or what? Bisexual? Oh, you’re just experimenting, aren’t you?” 

I always struggled with the answer to those questions, because I was never quite into the labels. Sure, I tell people I’m gay, and I really don’t have much interest in boys, but the pressure to fit myself into a box has always been quite overwhelming. In fact, sometimes the easiest thing to do, is put my own self in a box, so as to not complicate anything around me. Simplicity, I’ve been told, is the best way to maintain balance. Which isn’t inherently wrong, it certainly is nice when things can be kept in simple terms. But when it comes to the very composition of who I am, my soul, my heart, my sexuality, and everything in between, it can get pretty complicated. Humans are complex creatures, there may never be enough words to completely define ourselves. I think this is a beautiful thing. Much more beautiful than the idea of simplicity will ever be, at least to me. Our chaos and our intricacies are some of the most breathtaking parts of human existence. 

So I definitely shouldn’t have to feel pressure to pick one term and stick with it. As I age I will only grow more and more complex, less able to be contained by only a few terms, less likely to fit all the prerequisites of specific labels. This doesn’t just go for my sexuality, labels can be applied to a plethora of different things, like my spirituality or activism. Even ideas which seem arbitrary, like what kind of public speaker I am, how kind or unkind others may have perceived me as, how intelligent I might be. Truth is, we live in a world where labels dictate how others see us, how we see ourselves, and even how we interact with others. Some labels may be given by other people, or by ourselves -- and in this case they may contradict one another. In fact, the way I see myself is likely far different from the way that others see me, so the only labels that should matter, are the ones I give myself, if I so choose. 

My “coming out” wasn’t anything spectacular. In fact, I’d say it wasn’t much of a coming out, I just casually started talking about my girlfriend at the time and posting her on my social media, and that was that. For me, I didn’t feel like I really needed a grand coming out story, I just like who I like and just as straight people never have to dramatically tell the world they like the opposite gender, I shouldn’t have to just because I like girls. There’s nothing wrong with an outgoing coming out experience either, it just shouldn’t be expected of people from the LGBTQ+ community. 

You see, if we normalized homosexuality, there wouldn’t be a profound amount of pressure to “come out of the closet”, as if we’ve had a reason to be hiding all our lives. Nor would we feel the pressure to define ourselves under a collection of different labels simply because we aren’t “normal”. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people who are comfortable with the idea of labels, or it makes them feel secure, like they have control over who they are. And that is totally okay! If labels make someone feel good, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if labels make someone feel confused, alienated, unsure of who they are, then they shouldn’t have to have them, in any sense. People are not objects, we don’t need to be sorted into categories in order to coexist.

Here’s the thing about labels: They can be utterly toxic, and used to separate the “normal” people from those of us who, by society’s definition, “break social norms.” Labels make it easier to make assumptions, assign stereotypes -- often because once someone sits under a label, it is assumed they fit all the “requirements” that label holds. But that isn’t necessarily true. In the case of sexuality, for many people, it can be fluid. In fact, I would argue that our very existence is fluid. Who we are is constantly changing, evolving, and growing. There’s definitely nothing wrong for sexuality to be everchanging, too. 

The LGBTQ+ community, in terms of sexuality, generally runs with the following labels: lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, amd pansexual. These are the most recognized, more utilized labels. However, there are other sexualities, or other labels that people may choose to use, that don’t necessarily fit under the basic categories. This is similar in the case of gender identity. This is because people may not feel like the entirety of their sexuality or gender identity can be encompassed within one of the basic terms. In addition, while sexuality and gender identity are much different from one another, the idea of sexual orientation is dependent on either the sameness or difference between the genders of two people, according to Stanford University. This makes the labels complicated because sometimes there aren’t labels just enough to cover absolutely everything. Like I said, humans are complicated. 

Should someone decide to stop entertaining the gender they’ve been dating their whole life, or realize that they’ve been something else all along, there shouldn’t be any shame to pursue that. We shouldn’t feel trapped under a label just because we chose to roll with it at one point, or because someone else chose to give it to us. Some people don’t like labels at all, some people do, and some people like to change them as they grow. Afterall, we aren’t complacent creatures. We are always growing, so if we choose to have labels, those should be able to grow with us. And just like we outgrow old clothes, we can outgrow old labels. 

Personally, I think labels were made by small minded people for small minded people. In fact, I would be quick to argue that more often than not, labels are for the benefit of surrounding people rather than the person that holds that label. Small minded people tend to feel uncomfortable when they can’t define someone in simple and explicit terms, at least in my experience. Labels are meant to fit different kinds of people into the same, tight-fitting boxes. (Because God forbid we stray from man-made expectations about the ways we should exist.) 

According to an article titled, “Why it’s dangerous to label people,” Adam Alter, American author and teacher at New York University Stern School of Business claims, “Categorical labeling is a tool that humans use to resolve the impossible complexity of the environments we grapple to perceive.” Alter says that while this tool is adaptive, it is often a contributor to many of the problems we face. This idea makes it easier to alienate people who are “different”, separate “right” from “wrong”, despite those ideas being made from opinion and tradition from a history far different from today’s world. 

Sometimes, the labeling feels out of control. For me, it feels like my identity is beyond my own reach, in the hands of people who know nothing about me except for the assumptions they make based on random labels which have been given to me; so that others may make sense of who I might be. But my identity is both personal and dynamic, and shouldn’t be in the hands of anyone but myself. 

I definitely wasn’t made to sit in a box all my life. No one was made for that. 

I like the idea of being undefinable, someone who doesn’t fit under a label of any kind. I am much more than that. My complexities are so immense, so vast, there will never be words to describe them. Just as the universe is far beyond anyone’s imagination, so too is my soul. 

Besides, labels are for clothes. They tell you whether or not you should machine wash your new T-shirt, if it needs to be hung to dry, grouped with like colors. 

I am far more than any label could ever contain. 

We all are.