Perfect Strangers: Grieving The Loss Of Someone You Never Knew
The human grieving process is complex. This world is full of loss. It may seem hard to face, but people die everyday, and to deny that fact is simply naive. The truth is that although the loss of family, friends, pets, jobs, opportunities, experiences and acquaintances is something everyone faces, there’s also a whole other type of loss. The idea that you can grieve the loss of someone you never knew is something people have been grappling with since the beginning of time. Humans grieved for Julius Caesar, Princess Diana, and Prince. We grieve for celebrities, public figures, fictional characters, anything and everything in between. Grief is a natural human process, and it is not selective. Whether you know it or not, chances are, you’ve experienced feelings of grief for a perfect stranger, too.
Celebrities have shaped the lives of people since early childhood- especially in our current social and political climate. People my age grew up watching Nickelodeon and Disney, and we watched as the actors in those shows grew up with us. For many, shows like Disney Channel’s Jessie were an escape from our early elementary school days. When actor Cameron Boyce tragically passed away in July of 2019, it was a shock to millions. It was, for our generation, one of the first times we had lost someone of prominence in our age group at such a global scale. And it was hard to wrap our minds around the idea that someone who was so young, so close in age to us, could be gone. We mourned for Cameron because to many of us, a part of our childhood was gone. Whether or not you were a huge fan of his, the majority of people our age were heartbroken by the loss. And it made perfect sense. Cameron Boyce was the first of many tragedies that we would face. He represented something bigger than himself, because with his death came the realization that anything could happen to anyone. His death was a turning point, the end of an era. But this isn’t just the case with Cameron Boyce, because similar losses have happened to each generation. Elvis Presley’s death marked the end of an era for many, as did David Bowie’s. Celebrities represent time periods in our lives- and it’s hard to watch them come to a close.
For me personally, no celebrity death has impacted me quite like that of actress and singer Naya Rivera. The star of the hit television show Glee, Naya was a prominent figure for many people in the late 2000’s and on. Her character Santana Lopez changed the lives of millions of LGBTQ+ people, and her talent was like no other. Sadly, Naya Rivera’s life was cut tragically short when she accidentally drowned during a boating trip with her son Josey on July 8th, 2020. Naya’s death shattered the hearts of millions, and hit the LGBTQ+ community- specifically queer women and women of color, particularly hard. She was a light for many of us. She gave us an outlet for our pain, and allowed many of us to come to terms with and accept a crucial part of ourselves and our being. My grief for Naya felt almost selfish. She had family and friends who knew and loved her much more than I ever could. They had memories to hold onto, whereas in the case of Naya’s fans, all we had were interview clips and her work to remember her. Some lucky fans had interactions with her on social media, and some even met her. I, however, was not one of those. And yet I cried for days, and mourned the loss of a woman that I never knew.
But let’s face it, I did know her. Not personally, but she had a role in my personality, and in my growth as a human being. I will never be able to think of my coming out without thinking of Naya, and the realization I had while watching her play Santana Lopez on Glee. Today, I mourn not only for the woman I knew- but for the parts of her I didn’t. I mourn her talent, her voice, her kindness. I mourn her generosity, her drive, her ambition. I mourn for her public persona, as well as her private one. I mourn for her son, her mother, her father, her sister and her brother, her friends, acquaintances and fans. While I never got to meet Naya Rivera in this life, her legacy and memory will live on forever.
Trying to come to terms with feelings of grief is hard enough when it’s someone you have memories to hold on to, but with a celebrity you simply don’t have that. If you’re someone who cried a little bit too hard when you found out your childhood idol died, know that you’re not alone in your grief. It can come in waves, and it has to be processed the same as any other loss. It takes time. You may be upset for a day, a week, a month and so on. I wish there was a fool-proof way to accept the loss, but there’s not. It’s up to you to move on. Just know any and all feelings you have over the loss of anyone are valid, regardless of whether you knew them or not. The truth is that celebrity deaths are personal. We knew them in the way we were supposed to know them. Whether a celebrity influences your sense of humor, your clothing style, or your favorite song, we’re all shaped by everyone we come across in life. And that includes those who never came across us at all.
Ironically, Glee itself has tackled this subject. In the Whitney Houston tribute episode entitled “Dance With Somebody”, the Glee Club is forced to face their upcoming graduation and fears of growing up head-on when the Glee director William Schuester realizes that his students' mourning for Whitney Houston is a metaphor for their inevitable goodbyes. After a talk with fiance Emma, Mr. Schuester finally gets it. She explained that the death of Princess Diana occured at the beginning of her own senior year of high school. She wasn’t a huge fan, but Princess Diana’s death served as a catalyst for her own feelings of sadness. Diana’s death “was just a physical representation of [her] pain.” She goes on further by saying that “Diana dying represented the loss of [her] childhood.” Will understands. “So Whitney is their Diana,” he exclaimed. The rest of the episode is spent mourning Whitney while the Glee kids simultaneously begin to understand why her death had hit them so hard.
When Cameron Boyce passed away, many people my age felt this exact feeling-- whether or not we understood it at the time. Today, I know the way I felt when he died was normal. But at the time, I hid my sadness because it didn’t seem normal. Why did I care so much? I wasn’t particularly a fan of his, yet his death hurt me so badly. When I watched this episode of Glee, that feeling I had finally made sense. When Naya passed away, it reminded a lot of people of the tragic death of her co-star Cory Monteith. Although their deaths were nearly a decade apart and had virtually no similarities to each other, Cory Monteith had been a huge star in the same show that Naya was in, and his death affected people in a very similar way. For many people, especially fans of the show, this magnified the pain.
Sometimes, celebrity deaths trigger memories of past events. A celebrity's death, especially one that closely resembled that of someone you once knew, can bring back some of those feelings of grief. This is the case for many people who have lost family or friends. It may upset you that you’ll never see new content from that person. Whether it be a singer, actress, or artist, it’s hard to grapple with the idea that you’ll never get to hear another note sung from that person, or another word written. Another reason a celebrity’s untimely passing may cause you pain is the simple fact that death is sad. When a person dies, regardless of status or celebrity, it will affect people. And it is painful to lose someone. Grieving is normal, and it would be concerning if you didn’t grieve in some way, shape, or form. It’s important to acknowledge that grieving is part of life. In our day and age, celebrities and pop culture are a huge part of life as well. Although the loss of a celebrity will never equate to that of a loved one, it’s time to face the fact that it’s still a loss. Besides, if we are able to celebrate them in life, we should also be able to grieve them in death. It’s not fair to us, or to the celebrity in question, to not give them the respect of being remembered and mourned by the people who enjoyed their work while they were still here to share it with the world.