The History Is Set In Your Body

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I hear a door slam and my body immediately freezes. I can feel my heartbeat going at an unnatural speed, eager to jump out of my chest. It gets increasingly difficult to breathe and I am holding back tears that are desperately trying to escape. How is it that something as simple as the sound of a door can cause an intense reaction to make my body believe that the end is near? 

The bittersweet thing about the human body is that it remembers everything. You could pass by a park that holds the beautiful memories of your childhood and it automatically brings a smile to your face, and makes your chest feel warm. However, this remembrance can be as much of a curse as it is a beauty. Perhaps, you’re listening to music and a song  that reminds you of a time when you were at your worst\. As you hear those first few notes, you feel a sinking emotion in your chest. It reminds you of the ghost you used to be. Perhaps, you hear a stranger yelling and your body reacts before your mind has the time to process. The stranger is not yelling at you. You did nothing wrong. You are safe, but your mind doesn’t know this yet, as your body is sending a signal telling you that a threat is near. The body remembers all the times you’ve had terrible rage-filled words aimed towards you. It remembers the lonely nights you spent suppressing violent sobs on the stairs leading to your apartment. The body remembers the fear you felt when anger was directed at you, and every time you recognize that similar feeling in someone else, you run away. You might completely distance yourself until the only person you can rely on is you. Having only yourself feels okay because at least no one has the power to hurt you in your loneliness. For once, you feel safe.

I believe that some experiences stay with us for a long time. Even when we think that our mind is at peace and we feel at ease, how can we know it’s true? Are we just lying to ourselves to make it feel better? Constantly trying to reassure ourselves that everything is fine and the past is left behind. No one can hurt you anymore — Except yourself. If you have to convince yourself that everything is fine, can this be true? 

I believe healing takes an immense amount of time. Even when you push yourself to feel better there is an underlying sensation telling you that you are lying to yourself. Of course you would like to be fully healed, but it is not an easy battle. There might be years filled with tears, anxiety, and flinching at the slightest sound. You could find yourself unable to breathe because of steps moving towards you and it immediately puts your body on edge. The healing process will be difficult, and it will not simply happen overnight, however one day you will heal again. Every little step towards healing counts, and all you can do is try to live your life rewiring the body to the best of your ability. 

After a traumatic experience, we need to relearn the functions of the body. By this I mean that trauma changes you — sometimes drastically. Your reflexes and reactions are not the same anymore. Your mind might trick you into believing that you’ve done something wrong when that’s far from reality. You can feel the change in yourself while everything else stays still. It is important to accept these changes in order to understand how deeply everything impacted you. You could have developed into a different individual, and the relearning of who you now are becomes immensely important. I want you to know that you are not broken glass that is forever unfixable. Sometimes, I still feel like I’ll forever stay terrified and shattered, but I remind myself that I survived and I will keep surviving and so will you. What happened to you is not your fault. It is not your body’s fault. Your body is simply attempting to protect you because it fears danger could harm you again, and it wants you to be safe. Your anxiety spikes, sending you into fight or flight mode because your body wants to guard you. Don't criticize yourself for the reaction that emerges from your body because all it means is that you want to protect yourself. Attempt to work with your body, instead of against it. Appreciate your body for the warning and attempt to look around to see that you are safe. Appreciate how your body has helped you survive through it all. You have been through hell and back, but you're still standing, and that is an amazing accomplishment. You are incredibly strong, and you should be proud of yourself for making it through.