Why the Phrase “Not All Men” is Problematic

15% of men revealed that they would be reluctant to hire women for jobs that require close interpersonal interaction with men which obstructs women from pursuing certain job opportunities and/or careers which is more backwards than it is progressive.

Person A: I was just sexually harassed by my boss and my boyfriend forced himself on me. I don’t trust any men at this point.

A random man: Well you can’t say you won’t trust any men. You generalizing us doesn’t sit right with me. Not all men are like this.

Assess the reply and I can guarantee you that you won’t find anything in there that contributes or adds to what Person A said. Not just in this context, but in every single context where men use the phrase “not all men” to respond to a woman speaking out about her experiences with misogyny and assault, it never adds anything to the conversation, it simply sidetracks it. Many people might look at this phrase and say it doesn’t have any bad intentions, it’s just trying to clarify that not all men are predatory and bad. Well, I am here to tell you what the phrase really means in a broader context.

First, to clear things up, it’s common knowledge that not every man has predatory instincts. There are obviously going to be outliers, men who are an exception, and men who respect women and some who would even fight for women’s rights. But how is this minority relevant in a conversation that talks about the majority that is predatory and dangerous? Exactly, it isn’t relevant. It doesn’t add to the conversation, it just invalidates a woman’s experience. The purpose of the phrase in that moment is to say that the man himself personally would never do something as horrid as that. But why should men be rewarded for doing the bare minimum?

In 2018, the University of Houston conducted a survey with 152 men and 303 women. Their goal was to find out what the backlash for the #MeToo movement was. The results as such: 22% of men agreed that they would exclude women from social interactions, 41% said they would be more reluctant to have one-on-one meetings with women with no others present, and 16% said they would be more reluctant to hire attractive women. You might be wondering how all of this correlates to the use of the phrase “not all men”. These two things have more in common than you might think. Not wanting to hire women, and not wanting to interact with them in a professional setting is a step backward, just like “not all men”. Instead of wanting to solve the problem and prevent further incidents like assault and sexual harassment, these two things push the progress backward. The uninvolvement of women in collaborative activities and invalidating their experiences by saying not all men behave the way her perpetrator did is not growth but complacency. This is exactly why the phrase is so problematic and should never be used in the context of a survivor sharing their story. 

When men tell women that what they went through was horrible and add a “however” in their statement they directly group themselves with the men who think that the allegations made are exaggerations or that they’re common and shouldn’t be significant. They basically imply that although harassment is unacceptable, they find it more important to point out that women shouldn’t generalize the entire male population. That in and of itself derails the attention of the woman’s suffering to “innocent men” who have nothing to do with the situation. The phrase is a true statement, which is exactly why it should be avoided in a conversation about harassment. It brings nothing new to the topic except for devaluing and diminishing survivors. Not all men are dangerous but not all women can distinguish the predators from the innocent men.

Ultimately the conversation always loops back to women and what they must do instead of what men can do to make them feel safer. Until every single person realizes that reducing crimes against women takes both groups to come together instead of blaming the victim, the world will never move forward. The fact is that 90% of perpetrators of sexual violence against women are men and 93% of perpetrators of sexual violence against men are also men. So making an exception for that less than 10% of men won’t move a conversation further and doesn’t help women get the justice they deserve.