burntout

For months my head was filled with nothing but a low droning hum. My body simply moved through the world following the instructions dictated by my extensively detailed google calendar. 

I feel as though I’ve been stuck on autopilot for the past eight months, working towards a goal I don’t even understand, and now that it’s summer, I’m just now waking up. 

My memories of the past are contained in the puzzle pieces that I struggle to fit together from the clues hidden within my Google Photos and nodding along as if I remember the stories from nights out with friends.

I don’t think that’s how life’s supposed to be. I think I’m doing it the wrong way.

I believe in the “work hard, play hard” mentality but over this past year I forgot about the whole “play hard” part. I got sucked into the shockingly competitive burn out culture of my college and filled up every spare minute with things that are suppose make me look more appealing to employers. Who knew film school was going to be this intense? I thought I was just suppose to make my silly films and make art but oh was I so wrong. 

Being 20 is incredible yet weirdly stressful at the same time. You’re simultaneously the youngest, hottest, and most full of potential that you will ever be BUT at the same time you’re watching people your age accelerate and forge their own path.

I never feel as though I’m doing enough which drives me into the never ending cycle of burn out, only slowing down when I physically can't work more. But I’m trying to break out of this pattern.  Maybe if I find balance I’ll be able to remember nights out with friends and the little moments. 

So here I am. Sitting under the sun in my backyard, sipping on a glass of homemade lemonade trying to learn how to ease my foot off the gas pedal and take a deep breath. Hopefully I can learn how to silence the low droning hum.