Dark Pop Princess CXLOE Puts Herself First in “Cheating On Myself”
Photo by SHEISAPHRODITE
CXLOE wanders between alternative and electronic, with a unique pop sensibility to creating a sound all her own. A pure musical aesthetic met with complex and dark lyrics brings a true contrast to her artistry.
Sharp and self-reflective verses give way to an instantly irresistible refrain as CXLOE confesses, “Realize I’ve been wasting all my time with someone else—cheating on myself.” The track illustrates her clever songcraft and impeccable knack for an unshakable chorus that’s captivating and speaks to the boundaries she has established since deconstructing unhealthy habits.
Self-sabotage can easily disguise itself through destructive behaviors, lonely nights and lack of asserting healthy boundaries. “Cheating On Myself” is the closest CXLOE has come to capturing how she felt throughout her 20s. She believed that her happiness should come second, and that she was capable of fixing the problems that plagued the people she loves. The song questions what CXLOE has put herself through and if in the end it was worth it.
“Waiting for everyone else is a losing game, and it's never going to happen. So you really do have to work on those boundaries and work on your self-love, so that it doesn't affect you,” CXLOE says. “Be independent of what everyone else is feeling and going through around you. That’s really hard, but it’s like a muscle and you have to keep flexing it.”
Photo by SHEISAPHRODITE
[UNPUBLISHED]: Thank you for sitting down and talking to Unpublished Magazine, your latest single “Cheating On Myself” is really reflective and confessional. What is the inspiration behind the song?
[CXLOE]: I went into the recording session with a concept in mind, like I'm reaching to the upper end of my 20s and I've been doing a lot of reflecting and looking back and seeing if I actually have enjoyed what are called the best years of your life. I think there's a lot of pressure on that, and I realized that I actually spent a lot of that time self-sabotaging my own happiness by not putting myself first and a lot of scenarios slapped me in the face. Things needed to change. I believed for so long that everyone else’s issues came first and I was put last. It was cathartic to write the song, but it felt like I was turning a new page and it’s really tricky and hard putting yourself first in terms of self-love and self-care.
[UNPUBLISHED]: I would love to know more about the creative process. How did you go through this experience and did it affect the process of creating your music? Has “Cheating On Myself” helped you express any feelings or let off steam?
[CXLOE]: I wrote this song with probably my favorite collaborators I've worked with Eric Leva and Steph Jones and they’re all big pop music fans. I felt like it was right to lean into this, and it was definitely cathartic writing the song. We really liked the chorus of the song “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World, and we tried to create something similar with the chorus on “Cheating On Myself.” It took us a while to crack the code and put the puzzle pieces together, but if you put them side by side, you can tell the similarities. For any songwriter nerds out there who like deconstructing songs, it’s sonically where the inspiration came from.
[UNPUBLISHED]: You said previously that the song questions if the hell you put yourself through was worth it or if you cheated yourself out of the best years of your life. What is some advice you could give to your younger self or wish someone had given you in order to navigate this subject and live life to the fullest?
[CXLOE]: I would probably say that waiting for everyone else is a losing game, and it's never going to happen. So you really do have to work on those boundaries and work on your self-love, so that it doesn't affect you. Be independent of what everyone else is feeling and going through around you. That’s really hard, but it’s like a muscle and you have to keep flexing it.
[UNPUBLISHED]: How does it feel to be exposing yourself in such an honest and vulnerable way in public? Is it hard for you or does it come naturally as you're deconstructing these feelings and emotions?
[CXLOE]: I'm so lucky. I have such great fans of my music and a really great community that I feel so comfortable diving into these feelings and exposing them. I also hope that the reason I'm making music is that I want people to feel seen as well. I've received lots of messages over the past couple of days about someone coming out and feeling the same. I even posted a question online which read, ‘who cheats on themselves out of their own happiness,’ and I got so many responses. I feel like it’s a universal theme. It makes the whole process a lot easier for me as well.
[UNPUBLISHED]: What do you love most about the song? Is there like a specific lyric or message that stands out to you the most?
[CXLOE]: The opening line, “I can’t tell / Was it really worth all the hurt and hell / Realize I’ve been wasting all my time on some else / Cheating myself,” so everytime I hear that, it hits me hard and I realize ‘damn, how did this happen?’ That line and the pre-chorus, “Could have been the one / Middle fingers up / Oh my god what have I done.” I could have been the one having a fun time. You know in the movies of everyone in their 20s having fun and sticking their middle fingers out, like throwing back a drink and that's quite visual for me.
[UNPUBLISHED]: If you can include any artists to collaborate with you on “Cheating On Myself,” who would you pick and why?
[CXLOE]: Matty Healy, I would love a feature. Sonically, it would be a cool fit and I feel like he's very introspective as well and looking within, a lot of their songs are very internal and deconstructing feelings.
[UNPUBLISHED]: What message, emotions or story do you hope to portray with this work to your listeners and fans?
[CXLOE]: I think the message of self-love and being aware of how sneaky self sabotage can disguise itself and thinking you're doing good for everyone else around you and saying yes to this and helping someone do this. You're on this journey of just being a good support system for everyone but really, you're kind of putting yourself in the backseat, which can be really detrimental if you let it go on for too long. Just a message of just continually keeping yourself in check.
[UNPUBLISHED]: What are some ways that you show up for yourself and show self-love to yourself?
[CXLOE]: At the moment, the thing that I'm trying to do the most is my self talk and my own dialogue. I'm really trying to get better at it because it can get pretty mean, and I don't even know why or where it came from, but you can get really unnecessary talking just throughout the day, like you continually talking to yourself. I think it's so important the language that you use. It's especially because my job is so internal and I'm constantly writing on my own, and so I feel like this dialogue is really important. That's something I've been trying to do, I've been trying to be nicer to myself and kind to myself, just kind of forcing that so that maybe I can walk the walk and talk the talk at the end of the day.
[UNPUBLISHED]: What would you say inspires your overall artistic persona and style?
[CXLOE]: I love the theatrics and drama of pop music. I love the styling and costuming and all of that. So that really inspires me in terms of bringing the song to life and a live show and cover art. Honestly, that really inspires me thanks to Caroline Polachek, like I love how they're all so unapologetically themselves.
[UNPUBLISHED]: What do you need in your space when you're feeling creative inspiration hitting you?
[CXLOE]: I've put a whiteboard in my shower because I feel like that's when most of my ideas come to me because I'm not on my phone, which is really interesting because the fact that I'm just not on my phone and like these ideas can come to me naturally, so I put a whiteboard in there and I just make sure that I have a whiteboard marker. Whenever an idea comes, they're always like song titles and some concepts, so that always helps to get it out of my head.
[UNPUBLISHED]: What has been one of the most rewarding moments for you and your career so far in the last year?
[CXLOE]: I got invited to a songwriting camp in Bali late last year, and I was lucky enough for my dad to actually come over from Australia and meet me there and visit and see what I do and everyone at the camps was so open and welcoming of him being there in the creative space. It was cool. He’s been so supportive of me over the years and it’s hard because a lot of the time they don’t actually get to see what I do because songwriting is so random. It was really cool for him to be there and see what I do and that was really rewarding. The fact that I was able to make it to a position where I had the luxury to bring him along with me and sit in the creative process was really cool because I couldn’t have been able to do any of this without him.
[CXLOE]: How are you feeling in this current era of your career and what does the rest of the year look like that you'd like to share with Unpublished?
[UNPUBLISHED]: I'm feeling very optimistic and excited because I've moved to LA. It's coming up to a year since the move from Australia and so I feel like I've finally found my feet and I feel really solid. I've been lucky enough to find a great team to work beside me and bring the music to life and so I'm excited. Hopefully there'll be a bigger project coming out towards the middle of the year. Lots of new music and trying to put a song out every six weeks and that's the goal, so lots to look forward to.
