A Playlist for Grief
Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0uTJVHiGlhgKKlj4RcZsXg?si=0327da03e1ca4116
On November 25th, a friend of mine who was only sixteen took his own life. Forty-eight hours later, I got a call from my mom at six in the morning telling me it was time to say my last words to my grandfather who was dying of COVID. A little over three months later, the first person I ever loved died in a car crash when a drunk driver hit his car going 80 mph in the wrong lane. Needless to say, this year has been filled with grief for me.
I have cried myself to sleep countless nights thinking about the fact I will never get to see these loved ones again. I regularly lie to myself about the duration of death as a coping mechanism; forever is both an all too familiar and alien concept to me now. I exist in the spaces in between closeness and distance as everyone I love seems to slip through my fingers and into absence. If you’ve never lived your life every day feeling like every single person you love is destined to die within the next twenty-four hours, I envy you. But I also have a feeling that those who understand this feeling are out there considering that one in five Americans has lost a loved one to COVID.
To those people, I see you. I know the pain you have felt at the sight of reckless and selfish parties on social media while your family struggles to make funeral arrangements. I know the anger you have felt at the unfairness of the world. I know the hole that fills your stomach at 2 a.m. while you muffle your screams into pillows because crying just doesn’t cut it anymore. This playlist is for those times. These songs have gotten me through my hardest moments, reminding me that I am not alone in my pain and that healing is possible.
I think the songs on this playlist serve a few distinct purposes in the grieving process. First are the songs that quite literally are about grief and missing someone—“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd, “R.I.P.” by Bikini Kill, “If I Get High” by Nothing But Thieves, and “Is It Really You?” by Loathe. These are the songs I listen to when I look through my old photos and think about the fact that these losses are final and permanent.
The second category includes songs about the delicateness of life itself—reminders to live in the moment and cherish the memories you do have. These songs include “Higher Places” by Nat Vazer, “I Know The End” by Phoebe Bridgers, “Into Dust” by Mazzy Star, “Arizona” by Lady Lamb, “I’m On Fire” by Soccer Mommy, and “Take Care” by SASAMI. As a college student especially, it can be all too easy to force productivity and sabotage mental health by focusing on the wrong things. These songs remind me that it is ok to hurt and take time to heal. They remind me to take care of myself and in that process to be grateful for all the little things that make life worth living, even if death is abundant and inevitable.
The final category holds the songs that I like to listen to while contemplating my own life. These songs include “Schizophrenia” by Sonic Youth, “A Different Age” by Current Joys, “Pothole” by Modern Baseball, “Last Words of a Shooting Star” by Mitski, “Somewhere” by Ruse, “Riverboat Gambling” by Jurassic Shark, “Karen O” by Sun June, and “You Can’t Live There Forever” by The World is a Beautiful Place & I am No Longer Afraid to Die. Though depression is largely inevitable when processing grief, I also think it is important to look inward to fully understand the impact of the loss on the self in a neutral sense. Since losing my loved ones, I have become more aware of my own life and decisions and the ways I can have the fullest existence possible during my time on this Earth.
I hope this playlist can bring someone out there comfort and serve as a reminder that the heaviness will lift eventually. It might take a while, and truth be told I am not there yet, but I know it will happen. I know it will because I have been through this before and I will go through it again numerous times more. I will feel this same anger and sadness and emptiness and hopelessness and exhaustion again. It is not about overcoming injury, but reconstructing the road in front of you to make it better fit your journey.