"I Felt Like a Failure": an interview with GIRLI

“She’s such a has-been, ate her up I’m done with that, she’s the girl that’s in the past”' sings GIRLI in her brand new track “Has Been”, a song that manages to convey so much aggression in such a fun, upbeat way. Written as a response to being dropped by a major label, being ghosted by fake friends and having a relationship end, the song triumphantly celebrates her independence in a way that relates to both her career as an artist and her personal life. This is the first solo song we’ve heard from the fiery, pink-haired singer since her debut album “Odd One Out”, and after listening to the track one thing becomes very clear; GIRLI is back and she has returned with a vengeance.

[UNPUBLISHED:] So firstly I wanted to say congrats on releasing “Has Been”!

[GIRLI:] Thank you so much!

[UNPUBLISHED:] What has the response been like from your fans so far?

[GIRLI:] It’s been really cool. I think people were really engaged in the fact that the song is part of this narrative of the fact that I got dropped and then I had to pick up from where I left off and my feelings on that and how that made me feel as a woman in the music industry. So yeah, fans have been really cool. I think people respond to things when they know it’s authentically from you. Even though I love my last album, it was quite clean and quite pop, and I love pop music but it was just a very kind of a bit more conservative type of pop whereas me, since being dropped by that label and being able to do my own thing I’m a lot more kind of punk than that and messy than that so it was fun to be able to creatively direct the [music] video. I made it with some amazing friends of mine so it was really cool.

[UNPUBLISHED:] You mentioned online that the song was about a few things, I’d like to focus on the “getting dropped from the label” aspect of it- so you signed to PMR records in 2015. How did the interaction between you and the label occur?

[GIRLI:] So my deal was PMR but it was mainly through Virgin EMI [Records] who are one of the major labels. I was releasing music independently as GIRLI, me and my management at the time were just kind of putting out these independent releases and I released my first single and b-side “So You Think You Can Fuck With Me Do Ya?” and “ASBOys” and then I got approached by a few labels and decided to go with them [Virgin EMI Records]. In retrospect, there were some other much cooler labels who had approached me who were run by women. I remember there was this label who approached me and I was like “they’re cool!” but the whole focus was like no, this is the label with more money, they can make you a star and I had just turned 18 so I was like “hell yeah!” and yeah... that’s how it came about.

[UNPUBLISHED:] This is so unrelated but you mentioned your song “So You Think You Can Fuck With Me Do Ya?”-- I just wanted to let you know that the way I initially found out about you as an artist was because my tutor at college assigned us to play that song.

[GIRLI:] Wait- play it live?!

[UNPUBLISHED:] Well we properly rehearsed it and everything but we ended up not being allowed to play it live because the organisers of the event said that no swearing was allowed so obviously with that song we had to cancel it.

[GIRLI:] Oh my god! So you like arranged a full live version?

[UNPUBLISHED:] Yep! I was on drums.

[GIRLI:] That is so fun! Oh my god...

[UNPUBLISHED:] Yeah, it was funny because our tutor was like this very professional, kinda serious middle-aged man and then he’s like “Hey here’s this GIRLI song I want you to learn!”

[GIRLI:] That is the best thing I ever heard, wow... Incredible.

[UNPUBLISHED:] Back to the interview! I’m sorry I just had to let you know about that… So you were signed at 18?

[GIRLI:] Yeah I signed my publishing deal when I was 17 and then I signed my record deal just after I turned 18 so I was super young.

[UNPUBLISHED:] How did it feel to be signed at such a young age?

[GIRLI:] I don’t think I really understood how young I was. I think, to be honest, the music industry makes you feel old whatever age you are especially if you’re a woman. I think there’s so much pressure on being younger and younger and making it big before you’ve even... I don’t know... hit puberty?! And there’s this whole TikTok star thing now where all these 15-year-olds or 16-year-olds are getting super famous and the whole “Billie Eilish effect” and stuff... It weirds me out because I wasn’t even mature enough at 18, I can’t even imagine being famous at 15. That just would've been really intense. Not that I was famous, but I can’t imagine what all those TikTok stars are experiencing ‘cause it’s like you’re living out all those years where you’re really fucking up and making loads of mistakes in a really public way and you’re under so much scrutiny and because you’re so young you’re letting other people make decisions about your life for you that don’t really have your best interests at heart, so it’s a weird one.

[UNPUBLISHED:] In 2019 you released your debut album “Odd One Out” with PMR and Virgin EMI Records, what was your experience like writing and recording under such a massive major label?

[GIRLI:] I found it to be a very stressful experience. I think that there’s so much pressure especially from a label like that which really does operate as a kind of money-making machine, and I’ve said so many times that yes, I want to shit on the whole system of the music industry and how it fucks with people's mental health, especially women, but I’m not necessarily saying all major labels are bad and I’m not saying all major label artists are manufactured. There are so many amazing artists that are really interesting, unique and really talented that are signed to major labels. I just think that for me- I really didn’t know who I was yet and so I was really malleable as an artist and a person and I was able to be moulded into this- and also I had so much pressure put on making money and things being successful and things being a hit that everything just felt like a disappointment. I felt like a failure and that really fucked with my mental health and kind of made me more willing to just say “You think this is gonna make me successful? Then yeah I’ll do it, I’ll wear that, I’ll shave my legs, I’ll do this, I’ll do that” and so I think I lost what makes me me and I had to get that back, really.

[UNPUBLISHED:] You said you found the process really stressful, at what point during the whole experience did you start noticing that things weren’t what you thought they’d be? Were there any red flags early on?

[GIRLI:] I mean, I kind of only see the red flags when I look back now because honestly when I was dropped I was like “Oh my god, what am I gonna do? My career’s over,” and now I’m like “Wow, that was the best thing that ever happened.” So I think I only look back now and realise that well, I was surrounded by a team of middle-aged men, for one, and that's just, as a female artist, not great and now I have a lot of women on my team and it makes such a difference. It was just little things like being told that I was ‘too much’. I was told that a lot and I think women are [told that] in the music industry, they’re told that they’re too much or that they’re not enough. Mostly they’re told that they’re too much, especially women who have something to say and they have an opinion on things and it’s like “Calm down sweetie, don’t stress yourself out, you’re gonna put people off” so I got told that a lot about just everything really, my appearance, my clothing, my photos, my makeup, like a lot of the appearance stuff which was really weird as well because to have a group of men talking about your makeup is just so bizarre. I think that stuff slowly but surely really gets to you and I didn’t realise it until I was out.

[UNPUBLISHED:] It’s strange to hear all that because it seems like a really big thing that coincides with your music specifically is your image, like you’re called GIRLI and you have the bright pink hair... It’s a whole thing that your fans seem to be really into so it’s strange that they would try and make that more commercial when the thing that people love about you in the first place is this uniqueness… I’d be interested to know how you’d even respond to those remarks, was it difficult to stand up for yourself?

[GIRLI:] Yeah, well it was difficult because I was also experiencing really really bad mental health and it was really hard to disagree with people or say anything ‘cause I was just trying to feel okay I think. Also, these people, to me, were like ‘the music industry’ whereas actually… It also made me feel- a lot of the time I felt like “oh this is it, this is my one shot” and now I’m like “I’m 22! I’ve got my whole life ahead of me.”

[UNPUBLISHED:] So did you feel like you were being pushed towards a certain sound or a certain direction in your career that you weren’t comfortable with?

[GIRLI:] Yeah definitely like a cleaner pop sound which, again, makes no sense because if you signed me as a clean pop act (which you didn’t!) then fine, but you signed me as this punk, alternative, weird, pop kind of thing that like all my fans that I’ve got over the years have been because I’m different. I love that kind of pop music but I don’t wanna make it so that was weird, and yeah they were like pushing me saying “we need to get on the radio! We need to get Spotify plays!” it’s like well, let me do me, you know?

[UNPUBLISHED:] What do you think “Odd One Out” would’ve sounded like if it had been written and recorded independently?
[GIRLI:] I think it would’ve sounded like my next project that’s coming out because I made that after I got dropped and my whole team were just gone, I had nothing and I think that’s when I just made the best music because I was just like “Cool, I’m just gonna do me” basically. If I’m looking at “Odd One Out” I think it just would’ve sounded a bit more punky, to be honest, and have a little bit more bite to it. Also, the main thing that would’ve been different is that all the videos and the artwork and everything around it would’ve been so much more DIY and authentic, which is also what’s happening with these next releases that I’m putting out. With my next music video, I just finished editing it today and it’s all directed by me and my sister. It’s really DIY and fun.

[UNPUBLISHED:] In July 2019, 3 months after “Odd One Out” came out, you publicly announced that you had been dropped from your label, what was the process of being dropped like? How did the label communicate that to you?

[GIRLI:] I was on a bus and they told me over the phone... that was pretty fun.

[UNPUBLISHED:] Yikes, really?

[GIRLI:] Yeah, labels don’t give a shit. I mean, not all of them but it’s like “Cool, you’re not selling enough records anymore, we’re done with you.” It was really hard. I think also I felt so alone because I’d left my

management, I left so many people and, to be honest, this is where “Has Been” came from, this concept for the song, ‘cause it was like- I felt like everyone was like “You’re done now, bye. Your career’s over,” kind of thing, that’s how it felt. I remember hoping that I would have some kind of support moving forward but it really wasn’t like that.

[UNPUBLISHED:] So it was just a phone with them essentially being like “bye!”? It was that blunt?

[GIRLI:] Yeah. It was like being dumped from a four-year relationship over the phone.

[UNPUBLISHED:] Wow, so they said it was because the album wasn’t selling enough?

[GIRLI:] Yeah, pretty much. They didn’t say that specifically but I think, you know, it was a “We put loads of money into this and you haven’t had a number one album so... peace!” thing but I quickly realised it was amazing. That day I remember feeling so distraught but also weirdly like so much anxiety had left? Like “Wow... Damn, I can kind of do my own thing now, I don’t have to be worried about it.”

[UNPUBLISHED:] It’s strange how, like you said, they signed you as an alternative, edgy, pop artist, then after signing you they changed your image and sound and then they were like “oh sorry it’s not selling enough!” when they could’ve just let you build on that fanbase that liked you for your unique style and sound.

[GIRLI:] Yep!

[UNPUBLISHED:] Getting back to “Has Been”- In the second verse of the song you sing about promises that were made to you, did you ever feel manipulated by those around you at the time or by what they were saying?

[GIRLI:] You get told so many times by people in this industry that you’re gonna be famous, you’re gonna do this, I’m gonna connect you with this person, you could do this... you basically get smoke blown up your arse. A lot of the time it’s really demoralising because you’re promised so much that it means everything kind of just feels like a disappointment. You’re especially promised a lot by- I just remember being in so many board rooms full of men saying “You’re gonna do this! You’re gonna get this! It’s gonna be great!” and you just feel like “Oh okay, sick! Cool! When does that start? When does my life as a famous person start?” and so it’s weird and I think that’s what that verse is about. People promise you so much but then they don’t put work in to help you get there or nurture you at all and then when it doesn’t work out the way that you thought or the way they promised then they’re just like “Okay bye!” and then they drop you. I think that made me especially angry because that does really really damaging things to a person's mental health and speaking to friends in the music industry it’s really normal for that to happen. It’s not just me who’s experienced it, it happens all the time. You get promised shit all the time and then let down all the time so it can be really hard to trust people.

[UNPUBLISHED:] When they first started making all those promises did it ever get to your head a little bit?

[GIRLI:] Yeah! I mean, you’re 18 years old and you’re being promised all this stuff then yeah. It didn’t go to my head in a way where I thought “Wow I’m so cool!” I’m a humble person, but I just kind of thought “Wow, sick! My life is made!” and you get over-excited and then you get lost in it basically.

[UNPUBLISHED:] What’s the situation like with the rights to the songs on the album? Are you still allowed to perform them live?

[GIRLI:] Yeah, I can perform them live. Not on TikTok, though, which is frustrating because I had to battle for months and months to get one of my songs on TikTok that was on there and was blowing up but was not ‘officially’ on there. But yeah, I’m allowed to perform them, they’re my songs, but yes they belong to that label. I don’t really see any money from those songs anymore.

[UNPUBLISHED:] Does the label still make money off of the songs?

[GIRLI:] Yeah so it’s because of my advance that I was given when I signed, they basically are just making that back which is why I don’t see any money from there. When you sign to a label they give you a loan and you have to pay it back and if they drop you then you don’t have to pay it back but they’ll continue to make money off your songs and you know, that’s another thing of signing contacts when you’re eighteen and you don’t know what the fuck you’re signing, you just know you’re about to get some money and you’re like “Dope!” I had a lawyer but when the lawyer’s like buddies with your manager or whatever you still don’t know. The lawyer’s also there to make money so you never know if they wanna do the least amount of work or blah blah blah.

[UNPUBLISHED:] A lot of upcoming artists these days, I think, have a very warped idea of success and put so much hope into getting signed to a major label. I’m in a very small band myself so I know that even just the idea of a major looking your way seems like a huge thing. What would you say to any aspiring musicians reading this now who think that signing to a major label is their only route to success?

[GIRLI:] I’d say it’s definitely not the only route to success. I mean, I used to feel the same. I went to music college and everyone in the college was like “if you sign to a major label then you’ve made it!” and I definitely had that mindset. That’s probably why I ended up choosing a major label instead of other indie labels when I first signed and honestly the only difference is that major labels have more money usually, but in terms of finding a team who are really passionate about you and who dig what you’re doing and want to do it with you, it’s way more important. Also, do it yourself for a bit! We’re in a digital age. If you can get sponsors and an investor then you can have your own label and do it yourself! It’s so much more possible so major labels are definitely not the be-all and end-all. Major labels literally churn through artists. They basically- this sounds like a horrible analogy but it’s like when a supermarket orders way too much food and they have to throw loads out at the end of the day. Or it’s like when an airline sells too many plane tickets just because they know some people won’t turn up and then they have to push people off the plane- not push people off the plane! Like, not let people onto the plane. Major labels will just sign so many people because “The more we sign the more likely we’ll sign someone who will make us loads of money!” and they end up neglecting so many of their artists and dropping loads. When I was dropped I think there were like 100 other artists dropped at the same time by the same label. It’s so wild. If you do want to sign with someone and not do it yourself or you’re getting offers, consider an indie or consider a cooler team or someone who will give a shit about what you’re doing or will give you time because time is the most important thing. A major label can chuck money in your pocket but if there’s no one on your team who gives a shit about you then what’s the point?

[UNPUBLISHED:] Are you signed to an indie label now or are you doing things completely independently?

[GIRLI:] Yeah so I’m signed to a label called “Believe” who are amazing and they’re an indie label.

[UNPUBLISHED:] You said you were 17 when you first started signing contracts, with the experience you have now, what would you say to 17-year-old GIRLI if you had the chance?

[GIRLI:] I don’t know... Probably just “wait” and “keep releasing music and doing your thing and find your people, find people who care about you.” I mean, it’s really hard because at the same time my journey and all those mistakes got me to here where I think I’m making good choices so I don’t know, it’s hard. I guess I would just say to 17-year-old GIRLI “you don’t have to rush into signing a record deal.

[UNPUBLISHED:] The music video and the lyrical content of “Has Been” make quite a clear statement about your bad experiences with a major label and the music industry in general, were you nervous at any point to release the song going and to publicly go against these things?

[GIRLI:] No I wasn’t because the industry’s fickle. If you start doing well or you start being a buzz or whatever then you could go and take a shit in the lobby of a major label and they’d be all over you still. That was a disgusting analogy, but people are so fickle. I think for me, I’ve made a decision that I’m just gonna do me, I’m not gonna censor myself anymore (I spent way too much time doing that) and I’m gonna put things out for the fans and for people, not the must industry. It’s a necessary evil, of course, and I’ve met many amazing people in the music industry but mostly the whole system of it is really flawed and I’m just not gonna live my life for that anymore.

[UNPUBLISHED:] Some lyrical content from “Has Been” also pertains to situations other than being dropped from your label and reflecting on the music industry. You’ve made posts online talking about how it’s also about an ex-partner and fake friends who have ghosted you, how did it feel to let all your feelings out about so many different things all into one song?

[GIRLI:] That song was a really big release. I was really going through it when I wrote that song- like a year ago I wrote it, or last October. It was really intense. I was not in a happy place at all and I was finding it really hard to process a breakup, getting dropped, I had a few friendships end that really really hit me hard and yeah, it was really difficult and I was really not coping, to be honest, and I think a lot of the time you write songs to empower yourself to feel better because I definitely didn’t, at that time, feel the way “Has Been” is, you know. I didn’t feel like “I’m gonna do my own thing! Whatever! I don’t care! Fuck you!” I didn’t really feel like that. I felt really bogged down, I felt really stuck in the past, I felt so traumatised by so many things that had happened to me and I really did feel like a ‘has-been’, and that’s why I wrote that song, to get all that aggression out and I’m really proud of it.

[UNPUBLISHED:] The aggression really comes through not just in the lyrics but also in the tonality of your voice and in the instrumentation, it’s like a really cool punk-pop song... maybe your label should’ve just let you do that?

[GIRLI:] Haha! Yeah.

[UNPUBLISHED:] There’s a music video for “Has Been” --and congrats, by the way, because you posted on your Instagram story that it has-- how many views does it have now?

[GIRLI:] I just got 100,000!

[UNPUBLISHED:] Yeah, that was it! Congrats on that, that’s really cool! Did you film the video recently during the pandemic?

[GIRLI:] Yeah, luckily because it was green screen it was literally just- it was when the rules were still that we could gather in groups of six so there were just six of us all wearing our masks. I mean, when I was filming I had to take it off but yeah, it was interesting. It was weird doing a shoot in the pandemic, although it’s kind of weird doing anything in a pandemic. We had the labcoats and the gloves, that was the makeup artist pushing my face and the hairstylist and yeah, it was such a great team and I was really thankful that we were allowed to actually do it, so that was fun.

[UNPUBLISHED:] Well since we’ve just entered a second lockdown [in the UK] it’s a good thing that you got it done when you did!

[GIRLI:] I know! We literally got it done just before everything went to shit again.

[UNPUBLISHED:] A lot of artists have found the pandemic very challenging, how has it been for you personally?

[GIRLI:] It was okay for me at the start. I’m very lucky to be able to say that, I know, ‘cause I was able to go back to my parents’ house and I didn’t have to pay any rent for a few months. I was in between flats anyway so financially it didn’t affect me too much, although I did have to cancel two tours so obviously that was such a bummer, but I kind of managed to, for the first few months of the serious lockdown in March, actually just spend time with my family which is really nice and connect with fans by doing loads of live streams and stuff, but now it’s kind of like “Okay, it’s half a year of no shows and no touring and not really being able to do things properly or have events and stuff,” and that’s started to take a toll on me for sure. Also, I love travelling and I'm a really active person and I’m a really social person so that, personally, just really affects me too. So yeah, it’s shit.

[UNPUBLISHED:] It’s been especially difficult for creative workers because our government’s offering no support- did you see that ad they put out that had a picture of a ballerina on it and it said something like “Fatimas next job could be in cyber”? click here to see the ad.

[GIRLI:] Yeah, the government doesn’t give a shit about creatives.

[UNPUBLISHED:] They’ve made that very clear.

[GIRLI:] I’m just worried about all the venues that are gonna have to close as well, it’s devastating.

[UNPUBLISHED:] This is just out of pure curiosity but when I was researching for this interview I found out that when you were much younger and before ‘GIRLI’ was a thing you used to be in a band [Ask Martin]-

[GIRLI:] Oh my god... haha!

[UNPUBLISHED:] -and I found you guys on SoundCloud which was strange but cool, when did you decide to be ‘GIRLI’ instead of going forward with the band?

[GIRLI:] Well, to be honest, it’s kind of come full circle actually because a lot of the time when big changes happen in my life it’s because people leave it; My old band just dropped me, they like left me, so I was like “Well, I guess the only person I can trust is myself” which is actually kind of what I realised when my label dropped me too, I was like “I think I just gotta do this on my own” and that’s what I did. That’s how ‘GIRLI’ came about because I had this band and I had all these gigs lined up and then the band left and I was like “I’ll just do this on my own then”. I tried to find some new band members, I kind of had a few different people play with me and then I was like “fuck this, I’m just gonna do this on my own."

[UNPUBLISHED:] It’s great that you’re so independent. I have one final question- what would you like to say to any fans who are reading this right now?

[GIRLI:] There’s so much more music coming for you. Fasten your seatbelts!

Screenshot from Zoom Interview with GIRLI

Check out GIRLI’s music here or watch the music video for ‘Has Been’ here.