Songs I’ve Compiled and the Crushes to Go With Them
illustration by Honey Simatupang
As a 21-year-old who has never had an actual boyfriend, I believe it is my inalienable right to romanticize my dry and grossly unsuccessful love life by repeatedly reminiscing about the six most prominent crushes that I have had over the past decade. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic, maybe I need a new hobby. Either way, I can’t just sit around and think about the cringey crushes I used to have; I need a proper soundtrack to fully immerse myself in the nostalgia of teenage romance. I think that listening to a song and thinking of someone is a form of love. “This music made me think of you” is just another way to say “I love you”. Luckily, I’ve always had the habit of compiling playlists specifically for the purposes of yearning, pining, crying, and other crush-associated activities. This means, I now have the immeasurable honor of exposing those playlists to the public and writing about them to be published online where anyone can find them (including the people they’re about). Enjoy!
One
“Northern Downpour” - Panic! At The Disco
“Sakura Kiss” - Chieko Ochi
“Summer of Farewells” - Aoi Teshima
“Little Things” - One Direction
“You Belong With Me” - Taylor Swift
This was my very first crush. He had smooth, shiny brown hair, pretty brown eyes, and a cool leather jacket that was clearly a little too big for him. I liked him for three years, all through middle school and my freshman year of high school. He sang and played guitar in a band at his church. I heard them play once. It took about 15 fear-filled minutes to gather the shaky courage to go up to him and say, “you sounded good”, and then walk away right after he said “thanks.” On the last day of winter break in 8th grade, I gave him a small bag of Lindt chocolates and a handmade card that said “Happy Hannu-Kwanzaa-Mas”. Immediately after handing him that bag, I bolted in the opposite direction, feeling giddy and terrified and young all at the same time. When I listen to the songs I used to listen to as a daydreaming 12-year-old, they sound like hot California Octobers spent sitting at old, drawn-on middle school desks, sending tentative glances over to the opposite side of the classroom while trying to remember all the tips about getting boys to like you that you’ve committed to memory from the pages of last month’s Seventeen magazine.
Two
“Another Love” - Tom Odell
“18” - One Direction
“Kid In Love” - Shawn Mendes
“New Slang” - The Shins
“Comme des enfants” - Coeur De Pirate
“Fifteen” - Taylor Swift
I sat next to this crush in band class. To be honest, I don’t know why I liked him so much, but through my extensive research (re-reading old messages and cringing) I was able to remember just how bad I had it. I know this because I thought hearing him play “Clair de Lune” on bass clarinet was attractive. I had it bad enough to ask him to go running with me on a Saturday morning. I hate running and mornings. The event that was the genesis of this crush was when I lost my music folder at a band competition, and he helped me search for it. Songs from this particular crush era sound like chilly mornings in the redwoods as band camp, cross country practice after school, being late to class because I went out of your way to make sure I saw him in the hallway during the passing period and taking endless how-to-know-if-a-boy-likes-you quizzes online instead of studying.
Three
“Can’t Help Falling In Love” - Kina Grannis
“Weekly Shounen Jump” - RADWIMPS
“Thunder” - Pink Martini & The Von Trapps
“Kiss Me” - Sixpence None The Richer
“Suisei” - tofubeats feat. Kariya Seira
“Tee Shirt” - Birdy
“Love Story” - Taylor Swift
He was my first college crush. We had a class at 7 am together. I only passed that class because I forced myself to wake up and go just to see him. I approached him for the first time after class one morning to ask if I could sit and eat breakfast with him in the cafeteria. I had a bowl of cereal in one hand and a cup of orange juice in the other; it felt like my heart was hammering out of my chest. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking - hard enough that I dropped my cup and spilt orange juice all over the table and the seat next to him. I remember this crush fondly. Like in middle school, I was young and giddy and terrified all at the same time. Songs about him sound like warm nights walking slowly back to my dorm, waking up at the crack of dawn to put on nearly a full face of makeup, and asking for help with homework that I understood perfectly just to hang out.
Four
“Your Best American Girl” - Mitski
“Do You Remember” - Jack Johnson
“Lover Boy” - Phum Viphurit
“Haven’t Met You Yet” - Michael Buble
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” - Oasis
“Sweet Pea” - Amos Lee
“Hold My Girl” - George Ezra
“Our Song” - Taylor Swift
This crush was like the high school one - I’m not entirely sure why I liked him so much. He wasn’t particularly funny or interesting; I think I just liked his eyes - very blue. We went on a single date, to get milkshakes in the afternoon, and then I got friend-zoned in a practice room in the music building. The crush I had on him was simple and slightly superficial. I thought he was cute - tall, baby blue eyes and dimples when he smiled. We didn’t have much in common. He’s a good friend now but we would’ve been very mismatched as a couple. His songs sound like going to the grocery store for fun because there’s nothing else to do in this town; burgers and french fries with the boys, awkward silences that last way too painfully long, and pretending to care about topics like cars and surfing to keep a conversation going.
Five
“Dance with Me” - beabadoobee
“Loving Is Easy” - Rex Orange County
“Lemonade” - Jeremy Passion
“Green Eyes, Red Face” - Lucy Dacus
“Someday” - The Strokes
“So Good At Being In Trouble” - Unknown Mortal Orchestra
“Nobody” - Mitski
“Three Small Words” - Joolie
“Teardrops On My Guitar” - Taylor Swift
I worked with this crush. The work uniform was plain black and boring but I always tried to make it look cute. All my coworkers knew about my crush on him and would tease me about it, and looking back on it, I’m sure he probably knew too. There were probably way too many people who knew about my little crush on him. Just like those crazy conspiracy theories about lizards in the White House that could never be true because it’s impossible for that many people to keep a secret, keeping a crush secret is impossible when literally all of your coworkers know about it. The playlist about him is mostly artists I started listening to just to have something in common with him. I posted songs I knew he liked to my Instagram story just in case he’d reply to them (it worked a couple of times). My friend ended up taking my phone to message him to ask if he wanted to hang out - while she typed, I was on her dorm room floor, rolling around in a panicked agony, sick to the stomach with nervous butterflies at the thought of talking to him. To me, this playlist sounds like wanting desperately to say hello but being stopped by pure nerves and terror, trying to seem cool and aloof but failing miserably, staying awake till the sun rose hyped up on Red Bull to sit alone in my room and write songs, and being teased by friends at work while trying to get them to quit pointing and smirking at me when he passes by.
Six
“Crush” - Tessa Violet
“Boy Who Has Everything” - Annika Bennet
“Two Slow Dancers” - Mitski
“I Think You’re Alright” - Jay Som
“Grow As We Go” - Ben Platt
“Apple Pie” - Lizzy McAlpine
“i luv him.” - Catie Turner
“Dare You to Move” - Switchfoot
“Rainbow” - Kacey Musgraves
“Back To December” - Taylor Swift
This crush is most recent, and arguably still current, so for that reason, his playlist is more extensive than the others. It’s hard to choose which specific songs to put on someone’s playlist when every song you hear reminds you of them. His songs sound like a lot of things. This was the first crush I actually confessed to. I did it by writing a letter and emailing it to him. The first crush I actually got close to, rather than admiring from afar and never making a move, like with my other five teenage crushes. This crush began in my last months of being nineteen, and so it is my last true teenage crush, as well as my first actual young adult crush. This crush hurt. This crush also made me happy at times. But mostly, it hurt. A lot. I think that’s when music really gets to do what it does best; when all of your feelings are a painful, complicated mess, music helps you understand. If the feelings were a tangle of strings, all too tightly knotted to ever hope of making any progress towards disentanglement, then music is like some kind of magic, talented hand that plucks the strings, one at a time, perfectly apart. You still have to deal with the strings, whether that means keeping them, cutting them, or throwing them away, but at least now you know which string is which, and maybe knowing helps you move forward. I’m still adding songs to his playlist. I’m not sure when I’ll stop. His songs sound like too many things. They sound like the time he helped me with my homework even though it took hours, the time he bought chocolate ice cream because it seemed like I was in a bad mood, or the time he came over to my house with his guitar and then criticized how hot my pan was while I made crepes. They sound like happiness sometimes, but they also sound like the same bitter arguments over and over. They sound like knowing I need to move on but refusing to because I can still hear how things sounded before the anger and accusations. These feelings aren’t easy or nice and they’re really difficult to deal with. Sometimes they physically hurt, like a sinking weight right in the center of my chest. When I listen to music, those feelings don’t necessarily get easier. They just get a little more beautiful.
It would be more accurate to refer to these playlists as snapshots of my youth rather than songs for my crushes. They’re the songs I listened to on loop during the different stages of my own growth, and as much as they remind me of the awkward dates and old daydreams of the past, they also show me how far I’ve come. I still listen to these songs pretty often, but while these tunes and lyrics have stayed the same over the years, I’m not really the same girl I was when I listened to them for the first time. I changed incrementally with each passing crush, learned a little more with each awkward phase, and now I’m here. Time is memorialized through song with these playlists. Maybe you have your own time-memorializing songs. Listen to them often. Listening is a form of love (for them, for yourself, for music, and for life.)