In Defense of Vanilla Sex
It’s like Kim K infamously said: “Get into bed and have vanilla sex. It seems like no one wants to have vanilla sex these days! You have to surround yourself with people who want to have vanilla sex.”
Wait, um, no, that’s not the quote…
Whatever! The premise still stands: it seems like people are having – or saying they’re having – less vanilla sex. Choking, slapping, rope play – all these and more are seemingly gaining interest. As these have become more talked about, they’ve shifted from being normalized to becoming the norm. With rough sex becoming expected, people who don’t want to participate in it are shamed. While it’s great that kink education is more accessible than ever, many people have twisted the message into vanilla sex being boring, unsatisfying, or straight-up bad.
Vanilla sex, in its bare-bones definition, is “regular” sex. It has no aspect of kink or fetish, making it the sexual majority.
There are a bunch of factors playing into this newfound “vanilla shaming.” The “cool girl” myth of a girl who’s down for anything at any time, the use of sex as social currency, and the porn industry, to name a few. But vanilla sex shouldn’t be shameful. It can be just as fulfilling and fun as kink.
In the pilot of HBO’s hit show Euphoria, Cassie, a girl who’s gossiped about for having dated around, hooks up with football player McKay at a party. As they start to fool around, McKay becomes rough with Cassie and he starts to choke her. She’s not into it. When she tells him to stop, he tells her that he thought she’d be into it. She proclaims, visibly upset: “why the fuck would I be into it?”
He apologizes and they continue, with McKay being less rough.
This scene is a perfect example of rough sex is expected. Because of Cassie’s label as somewhat of a “slut,” McKay expected that she’d be into choking. But Cassie’s sexual past does not mean consent for choking or any other kink. Sexual liberation is not consent. There should be communication about boundaries and interests regardless of expectations or perceived sexual history. Good communication makes for good sex, be it vanilla or not.
I wholeheartedly believe that the mindset within the kink community of communication and education should be applied to vanilla sex. Consent should be informed and enthusiastic.
(Also, worth noting that if you do want to get into kink, DO YOUR RESEARCH! Many kinks need proper education before performing them. For example, while choking may seem simple enough, a lack of proper technique can seriously hurt the person on the receiving end. In short, don’t expect someone to have a kink without discussing beforehand, and learn how to do it properly.)
What’s more, vanilla sex is not inherently boring. The common misconception is that vanilla sex is penis in vagina, missionary sex with no foreplay. This is, to be blunt, inaccurate. Vanilla sex can involve a bunch of different positions and activities and be between people of any combination of genders or bodies. I think that it’s essential that we expand the definition of vanilla sex to involve these differences.
It seems, to me at least, that the general consensus on vanilla sex is that it’s something that happens to people (this feels especially true of cishet women), instead of both parties actively participating. Sex should be something you are enthusiastic about and generally enjoy. Sex isn’t going to be amazing every time you have it, but it should be something that you like more often than not. I’ve dabbled in kink – mainly impact play, shibari, and power play – and I can say that what makes different sexual experiences good are respect, communication, and enthusiasm. My best sexual experiences aren’t the kinkiest ones with elaborate scenes and setups, but the ones where I was genuinely into the things I was doing and who I was doing them with. Sometimes that’s missionary, sometimes that’s being thrown around and degraded.
Just as rough sex can be good or bad, so can vanilla. So if you want to have kinky sex? Educate yourself and go for it. And if you want to have vanilla sex? Go for it, have fun, and don’t let anyone tell you you’re boring. Go forth and fuck how you want.