Unicorn Hunting: Myths and Facts

Illustration by Yinne Smith

I’ve been on dating apps for a few years now. While I don’t have anything against online dating as a concept, its culture can be pretty toxic. 

For one, these apps are known to put members of oppressed groups in unsafe situations. Alongside Eurocentric beauty standards and subsequent racism, transphobia and human trafficking are reportedly rampant on the most popular platforms.

Additionally, Bumble refuses to acknowledge genders outside “women” and “men” categories, and Grindr allows any user to message anyone else without verification. (Hello, dick pics!) Clearly, mainstream dating platforms are never perfectly safe for people in the LGBTQ+ community. 

Women who love women (or wlw) face their own personalized breed of toxicity. In the LGBTQ+ community, we call it “unicorn hunting.” Maybe you’ll recognize it as “couples looking for a third.” 

FindPoly.com officially defines unicorn hunters as a couple searching for “a bisexual woman who is non-monogamous and open to a sexual or romantic relationship with a couple/throuple/etc.” The hunters usually consist of a girl and a guy. 

All wlw on dating apps experience unicorn hunting, but bisexual and pansexual women are particularly targeted. I’ve probably encountered hundreds of couple profiles, and I’ve maybe swiped on at least 20 of them before understanding what I was getting into.

But threesomes can be fun sometimes, right? And isn’t the term “unicorn hunting” shaming polyam couples? So why is it such a problem?

FACT: LACK OF TRANSPARENCY IS A COMMON ISSUE

Unicorn hunting is majorly a problem for three main reasons: lack of transparency, dehumanization, and unrealistic expectations. 

My experience with unicorn hunters has always involved issues with transparency. A girl would message me and say that she has a boyfriend, but she’s allowed to date other people. 

Cool! I’m totally fine with that. We start talking, and we’re having a pretty nice conversation. Eventually, she asks if I’d like to meet her. 

...And her boyfriend. And maybe have sex with both of them. Together. 

Which I’m not totally fine with.

Once I mention this, most girls unmatch immediately. Sometimes I’m left with a polite farewell. Whatever the case, the conversation finishes there, and I end up feeling used. 

This lack of transparency sparks another realization — one that isn’t very difficult to discover. These boyfriends — intentionally or not — are utilizing their girlfriends to reel in other girls. It doesn’t matter if the girlfriend proposed the idea in the first place; the end result is still the same. 

While the girlfriend lures in bisexual women as the “face” of the relationship, her boyfriend reaps the eventual rewards. Not only does this take advantage of wlw, it also places the burden on the partner to build the connection. The men benefit while the women do most of the work.

Not surprisingly, this isn’t something that’s only happened to me. Most of my sapphic friends have also found themselves saddled with these proposals — sometimes on the date itself. 

Every time I’ve felt hurt by unicorn hunting, it could have been solved by an honest bio statement. While I distanced myself from couples, I still managed to swipe on girls who declared, “My boyfriend and I have an agreement. Just ask if you want to know about it!” As these matches continuously brought me to the inevitable, “Would you care if my boyfriend joined?”, I eventually steered clear of couple profiles — and girls who mentioned a boyfriend in their bio — altogether. 

Unfortunately, this means that I might miss out on dating cool polyam girls who don’t want to use me. But I simply don’t have the emotional energy to find them in the haystack of couples looking for thirds. If everyone was honest about their “agreements,” I could happily avoid the hunters and simply date girls or nonbinary folks with no boyfriend attached. 

MYTH: BISEXUAL WOMEN ARE MYSTICAL SEX MACHINES

But let’s say all these couples magically committed to complete and total transparency. Even in this perfect utopia of honesty, the problems don’t end. Dehumanization and unrealistic expectations still exist. 

Nowadays, it’s easy for me and my sapphic friends to avoid couples looking for threesomes or a “third.” We simply swipe left or say “no,” and that’s the end of that. 

But we still have to see these profiles hundreds of times. And couples continue to proposition my bi and pan friends in-person. And I still have to watch other bi women be sexualized, fetishized, and objectified in mainstream media and porn.

In their article “8 Reasons Unicorn Hunting is Not Polyamory,” Britt Vasicek states, “Unicorn hunting and hypersexualization… leads to bisexual women being treated as threesome equipment rather than people. Even with pure intentions, the expectation that somebody will immediately want to sleep with them together simultaneously is not realistic and is insulting to bisexuals.”

In other words: we’re people! We’re not mystical creatures, and we’re not sex machines. Just because I’m attracted to all genders doesn’t mean I want to bang your boyfriend. 

Which brings us to unrealistic expectations.

FACT: MOST UNICORN HUNTERS WILL NOT SUCCEED IN THEIR SEARCH

It’s assumed that these women are called “unicorns” because they’re hard to find. Nearly impossible. Somehow, even with the meaning branded into the name itself, unicorn hunters remain optimistic that they will find such a woman.

This creates unrealistic expectations. FindPoly.com emphasizes that the odds are not in the couple’s favor, and they also state that “cramming people into a predetermined-relationship-shaped box… is not going to end well for anyone.” These couples are putting a lot of effort into a game that many, many other couples are playing, and there simply aren’t enough women out there to check all the boxes.

So even with complete transparency, why contribute to this dehumanizing practice if there’s only a one in a million chance of getting what you want?

MYTH: MOST BISEXUAL WOMEN WANT THREESOMES

But I don’t want a relationship, some unicorn hunters might say. I just want a threesome. Is that inherently wrong?

Well, not inherently. And threesomes are a little more feasible than forcing triads. However, there are some caveats.

Some bisexual women like threesomes! But just like straight people, the majority do not. It’s not inherently evil to propose these activities over dating apps, but you do have to be completely transparent (yes, in your bio), and you do have to expect that this would likely be a one-time event. You should not be manipulating these women into saying yes by hiding information or leading them on.

Expect little but hope for the best. A threesome should be a happy surprise — not a fixated goal for your relationship.

But let’s say you are looking for something more than a threesome. Here’s some more advice on how to approach polyamory if you’ve ever considered yourself a unicorn hunter.

MYTH: SHAMING UNICORN HUNTING IS SHAMING POLYAMORY

If you are a couple looking to explore polyamory, unicorn hunting is not a healthy way to start. Longtime educator in the polyam community Joreth Inkeeper told FindPoly.com: 

“The most successful (in terms of happiness & longevity) poly relationships are those that developed organically, not those that were designed ahead of time... Instead of ordering up a single bisexual woman as your ‘third’ to ‘complete’ your family, just go out and meet people and be open to what develops… FMF triads do happen, after all. But they happen naturally, not because they were sought. You are more likely to find happiness in some other configuration. Don’t turn away from happiness just because it comes in a package that you weren’t expecting.”

You should also consider the reasoning behind wanting to expand your bond. Many couples use third partners to fix their dying relationship, which is incredibly toxic and objectifying. Even without these intentions, couples should take a step back and fix the existing problems in their relationship before adding another person.

What if your relationship is perfectly healthy, and you simply want to explore other options and meet new people? It might be useful to consider dating separately. I know many bisexual women who, like me, are okay with dating polyamorous people as long as there is no expectation to date their partners. 

If you’re not okay with exploring options separately from your partner, that’s fine, too. However, be aware of “couple’s privilege,” a term that Britt Vasicek describes as prioritizing your “needs and desires as a couple over the needs and desires of [your] shared partner.” 

For example, if you do end up dating a shared partner, you have to recognize the power you hold as an established couple. You will need to work against these power dynamics to make this person feel safe in the relationship, considering that they might feel uncomfortable voicing their desires as the “outsider.” 

Furthermore, the boundaries you worked on for years might not work with this new person, and you’ll probably have to rehash them in an open conversation. Never force this new partner into adhering to pre-established rules, and if you reach a point where there’s no compromise, the relationship wasn’t meant to be.

And lastly, now that you know the problems behind unicorn hunting, stop accusing bisexuals of “poly-shaming” when we express annoyance at “couples looking for a third.” Most of us are totally supportive of polyamory; we just don’t want to be objectified.

FACT: YOU CAN MAKE ONLINE DATING SUCK A LITTLE LESS

Sadly, I’m sure most wlw on dating apps are already aware of unicorn hunting and its toxicity. For the wlw who haven’t, I’m genuinely happy that you’ve dodged those experiences. Hopefully, I can help you recognize and further avoid these traps. 

First of all, before getting into any conversation, determine what you want and what you don’t want. Are you okay with dating someone who’s in an open relationship? Are you okay with dating a couple? Exclusively or non-exclusively? Does the gender dynamic of the couple matter to you? Are you open but not necessarily looking for these things? Are you only interested romantically and not sexually? Do you have special requests, rules, or boundaries that your future partner or partners have to adhere to?

It’s important to establish these goals before going into online dating so that you’re not caught off-guard and manipulated into doing something you don’t want to do. Couples or not, there are predatory people out there. Establishing these boundaries ahead of time can help protect you from their persuasion.

Next, steer clear of couples who don’t openly state the nature of their search in their bio. Whether you’re okay with forming a triad or not, hiding information is unhealthy and suspicious behavior. If the girl tells you to “just ask!” about her boyfriend, it’s a red flag.

And if you aren’t okay with threesomes or unicorn hunting, state it in your bio! That way, couples can swipe left on you, and you don’t have to even see that they exist.

Online dating sucks sometimes. But if you arm yourself with protective measures, it can suck a little less. Add some honesty and open communication, and you’re probably as ready as you’ll ever be. 

Stay safe, unicorns. Here’s to surviving the hunt.