What You Should Know Before Living with Your Partner
Moving in together seems like a logical step in many relationships. In fact, it’s even the norm – most couples who have been together for a significant period cohabitate. I mean, can you think of any long-term couples you know who don’t live together?
Personally, I can’t.
Every married (or similarly committed) couple in my life lives together, and many of my twenty-something friends who are in long-term relationships are considering moving in with their partners in the near future. I currently live with my boyfriend (although we started dating AFTER we had been living together for several months) and in a previous relationship, I briefly lived with that partner. Needless to say: I know a thing or two about this.
The biggest takeaway from my experiences with cohabitating is that your partner becomes your roommate. That’s obvious, but what’s less obvious is that there will now be two types of issues that occur: relationship issues and roommate issues. It’s important to keep these two kinds of issues separate. Your partner forgetting to do the dishes is not a personal attack. Them leaving toothpaste spit in the sink, while maybe annoying and gross, should not take away from them being a (hopefully) adoring partner. Because there are now two different dynamics at play, communication is more important than ever. You will need to discuss boundaries not only as a couple but as people who share a living space. Figuring out how groceries will be taken care of. Who cleans what, and when. Rules for having friends over.
Essentially, whatever ground rules you would set with a roommate, set them with your partner. Nothing is inherent or obvious simply because you have an established romantic relationship. Vocalize boundaries, however small, to keep problems from arising further down the line. No one wants to find out the ice cream they were saving was polished off by a hungry partner, or to come home from a long day to find their space teeming with their partner’s friends. Communicate your needs to your partner as a roommate. Because guess what? They are.
Something else that has become clear to me having lived with two partners at different times is the importance of being your own person. When you live with someone you’re dating, it is incredibly easy to become insular and spend all of your time with them and only them. Make sure you take time to yourself and time with other people apart from them. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” may be a cliché, but it rings true. Be a person outside of your relationship, and that relationship will grow stronger.
My current living situation is unique in that I live with my boyfriend but we have separate bedrooms. When most people think of moving in with their significant other, the norm is sharing a bedroom. Sharing a bedroom is not for every couple. For some people, it works great, but again, it’s very easy to become insular. Having separate bedrooms allows for each person to be able to have their own space to simply be alone. Which is not to say you’ll never have sex or cuddle or sleep in the same bed! But space is key to a healthy relationship, and having defined separate spaces is one way of going about that. I get that different bedrooms are not an option for everyone (rent for a one-bedroom is cheaper than a two-bedroom!), but it is something worth discussing with your partner when talking about moving in together. And even if you do decide to share a room, discuss how you will maintain a healthy space. Make sure to set boundaries about the bedroom arrangement, no matter what it is. What happens if someone needs to be alone? What happens when you’re fighting? What happens when someone is sick?
Living together is a big commitment. Leases are hard to get out of. Before you take the leap of moving in with your significant other, make sure you understand the gravity of that situation. Living together will not save a relationship and will probably just exacerbate whatever issues existed before signing the lease, so try to make sure you have a solid understanding of what you want from the relationship.
Seeing living together as a short-term thing is okay. It’s totally fine to know that sharing that space is temporary and your relationship is temporary. Maybe you’re moving in together out of necessity – to get out of a bad housing situation, financial reasons, etc! If that is the case, make sure you have a plan for if things go south sooner than anticipated. When I moved in with my first partner, I was trying to get out of a toxic home situation. I was intending to crash at their apartment for a few weeks while I found my own place, but finding my own apartment proved harder than expected, and I lived with my partner for longer than I had initially thought.
Living together showed the cracks in our relationship – one I had known was unstable before I moved in – and played a role in our messy breakup. Make sure you know what you’re getting into when you move in with someone and make sure you have an exit plan. No one wants to be caught in a breakup two months into a year-long lease.
With all that being said, living with someone you’re dating can be incredibly worthwhile. It can strengthen relationships, and create stability and joy in daily life. I love living with my boyfriend, getting a kiss on the forehead every night before I go to bed, getting to cook dinner with him, take care of our pet rats together.
It can be so fun and beautiful to live with your person like that. If you think you’re ready for this step in your relationship, talk to your partner, set some boundaries, and start looking for your new, shared home.