Why Does Distance Make Us Wise?

Illustration by Yinne Smith

Loneliness can draw out the most profound feelings we have hidden, even from ourselves. It can also create illusions of something that never even existed. It is common to over exaggerate a past relationship, to feel like it wasn't a waste of time and to give the relationship more meaning, yet, with these over-thought revelations comes real truth. When you’re all alone, finally free from someone else, you have an ample amount of real time to reflect rather than quickly process every new emotion in day-to-day life. While examining your history with someone, you may find more detail in their actions than your first impression. The memory of them may still be freshly familiar, but with a new set of eyes, you can find how your partners were genuinely feeling based on everything that created your interconnection. 

Certain things take a second viewing to truly see their significance because it is too easy to be caught up in the moment. These discoveries can answer many questions you may have had during your time together. With these answers, you can either find that your original negative speculations proved true, or you can find yourself actively missing someone you didn’t even realize you deeply cared for. The ladder leads to the general pain that comes with losing someone. Not only is that certain someone out of your life, but you realize that you couldn’t even appreciate what you had until you lost it. Yet, the memories that haunt you for all your wrongdoings and mistakes serve as nothing but a painful reminder because it’s all you have left.

 You tend to care more when you are distant because you are no longer in a position to receive new information about this person; you are only left with what has happened. An obsession will grow as you continuously and repeatedly rake over the details of where it went wrong. You become infatuated with every small detail as you put them on a pedestal, desperate to find another new piece of information you may have missed. You realize how much you liked their specific features and unique mannerisms, and you wish that you could go back in time and see them again for the first time so that you could care for them properly. Loneliness does create the desire for someone else to be with you, and any compulsion of torturing yourself or replaying every moment you shared with somebody that you used to know is the easiest fix. It’s almost too easy to get caught up in regret over the wrong choices you made which led to your separation. If you had only known then how empty you feel now, without them, you might have done everything in your power to stay with them. 

There are those who experience true clarity in distance. Without being under your imprisoner’s spell, you are finally free to see how wrong they were for you. If you escape rather than depart, the abrupt change can shake you down to your core, giving you the ability to finally see how having the freedom to be alone is the best move you could make. It may also take a great deal of reflection before you realize how you had dodged a bullet, with only little hints of evidence revealing themselves over time, each one seemingly less obvious than the last. These cases can be sensitive, but true certainty of the situation can only be obtained through their absence. There are those who form unhealthy addictions to their partners and form a strong dependency that can shatter someone if lost. Some people intentionally put their partners in this position out of insecurity or fear of losing them, which may not be apparent until they are removed from their lives.  

When the supercut plays in your head, the romance will thrive more. You play a movie that didn’t happen and tend to romanticize every detail as you cling for the hope that maybe it meant something. When you are finally alone, you are left with your thoughts and they can bring many hidden meanings, but all those thoughts will just cause a thirst for that person again. You either want to right their wrongs, or you want to fix the mistake you made by separating. As more time passes, this hunger created by distance will fade. The memories will turn into fragments of an old life that may pop up once in a while, but eventually, a new love will come forth. If you're lucky, it will be the ultimate love for yourself and you will be free. Just remember, the number one person and partner responsible for your happiness is you.