Duality and Femininity

As a little girl, I spent a lot of time with my nana. A fiery, Croatian, dragon of a woman, she always kept the most exceptional company. Stella was a friend of my Nana's, and her name couldn't be a better representation of who she was to me when I was little: completely celestial, an ethereal spirit who kept all the wisdom in the universe sealed in a bright red tube of lipstick that oftentimes hitched a ride in her purse. The December holiday season always reminds me of my nana, and in turn, all of my childhood dinners at her house, accessorized with clanking china, crystal wine glasses, and Stella's glittering personality. 

Stella was like a character out of a Hollywood movie. She was eccentric in all of the best ways, parented what seemed like dozens of tiny Yorkshire terriers, and wore her age like a tiara. Stella was always dressed like it was the most important day of her life. She was never not sporting brightly saturated eyeshadow and lipstick, applied with the stroke of an artist. 

Stella bore all of the traits of a divinely feminine woman. Makeup, purses, heels, and long colorful nails. She loved girly things and strongly emulated Cher's energy. But Stella was her own. Unlike all of the Hollywood starlets I was familiar with, though, Stella was never a damsel in distress. Stella was one of the first women that made me realize that a woman could be both feminine and strong. Stella never took any shit. She had a wonderful husband, who cheered on her colorfulness. But you always got the idea that Stella didn't need anyone. She was beautiful, independent, womanly, and walked her own walk of life. Not only was Stella strong and beautiful, but she was also smart. She was this brilliant woman, faceted by experience. For her, it was clear that the mileage meant so much more than the years. Stella was modern, new, exciting, and attractive - all with age. She shattered every stereotype surrounding femininity that I knew to exist.

Growing up, however, I quickly realized that not everyone thought the way Stella did, and not everyone had a leading example such as her. Public school, the internet, and conversations with extended family and friends revealed to me as I got older that the world did not work in Stella’s image. The society we live in displays to women boxes and an outline for expression. A female heroine in a story can be strong, but she is always strong despite being a woman. Her characteristics are over-exaggerated and emphasized by a lack of softness or femininity. On the flip side, a movie or story’s main character can be a girly, delicate princess - but can never save herself because of this aura of frailty. We even see this rejection of the non-conventional with the backlash that often is fired at male/male-bodied people who present themselves in feminine ways. Eyeliner, nail polish, or even certain colors on those who physically embody traits of strength or dominance is so often met with so much opposition because it directly reflects this shamed duality.

Duality and femininity are widely surrounded by undertones of dismissiveness, denial, and even bits of fear. If a woman possesses highly feminine qualities, those that follow - intelligence, aggressiveness, assertiveness, and independence - are always double taken or questioned. This is reinforced in so many outlets of modern society, and too many girls grow up thinking about whether or not their personas or traits invalidate the way they want to express themselves. 

I feel more than fortunate to have had role models such as Stella to reminisce on and think about as I grew into myself. Who I am as a woman and how I view femininity is so structured by what I was exposed to when I was young. I am not restrictive or one-dimensional with how I choose to present myself and express the feminine side of me. More importantly, I recognize that there are no requirements that must be hit in order for my femininity to be validated. I do not need to be in need, helpless, dumb, or submissive in order to express all of me that embodies and feels at home with being a woman.