Hard Pills That Took Me Years to Swallow
Ignoring people’s awful behaviors and seeing hope in them is my specialty. Honestly, I have spent a good majority of my life defending actions and behaviors from people who probably--or most definitely--did not deserve it. It is both my hindrance but also something I admire about myself. I believe it’s brave of me to continue to see the best in people, even if they have shown me otherwise. But it has also led me to get hurt by my naivety. I’ll admit it’s a balance I’m still finding for myself. But I am going to detail some truths that took me several years, and several different experiences, to accept. These were things I wasn’t ready to hear, and you might not be either. I do this in hopes you will not have to learn yourself, or so at least we can laugh at our pain together.
You are the villain
Yep. I don’t know why this one hurt me the most, but it really did. The lesson itself was offered to me early on, but it took me a long time to gain the emotional capacity to understand it fully. See I spent a lot of my time, I thought, trying to be nice and good towards others. As a result, I never took the time to realize that I could be the villain in someone’s story. I thought very highly of myself (which is I guess is a drastic transition from what was to come for me). I never thought I could be the “bad guy.” But everyone is. Every single person is the villain in someone’s story.
You may not be the big bad villain that is depicted in fairy tales or that you see in the cinema. But you are most certainly the bad guy in someone’s story. It is inevitable. I never thought I could be bad, not the type of bad that people told stories about, but it has happened. It doesn’t mean I am bad, always and forever. It does not even mean I am awful either, but people have a right to their own perception of me. As I do for myself, I can’t change people’s opinions of me, and I shouldn’t have to. I accept now, that I can be the best person I can be, no matter if to some I am still the bad guy in someone’s narrative. I will forever be a bad omen in someone’s story, the bad character in someone’s past, the antagonist to someone’s protagonist, the villain to someone’s hero. And that’s okay.
Love the person who makes you feel safe, not the one that gives you butterflies
I am a big romantic and I spent years convincing myself that the crushes I had that left me with butterflies were the loves of my life. Butterflies when talking to someone or thinking about these people are so romanticized that I thought they were essential to forming a relationship with someone. I thought butterflies were a key ingredient in the relationship scheme. So, being the girl that adores love stories and period drama acts of love, I followed these feelings down the rabbit hole and that’s exactly where it led me. I was dropped down an abyss, thinking we were both falling down it together. Spoiler alert: we weren’t.
Think about it, when do we get butterflies in our stomach, besides in a romantic sense? For me, I used to get them before I went on stage, before that big drop on a roller coaster. Do you know why? Because I was scared, I was unsure, I didn’t feel like myself at those moments. So why would we pursue a relationship with someone who makes us feel like that all the time? It is not romantic to have continuous butterflies around someone. It means you are unsure. It’s your body warning you of how you do not feel safe. Ignore what the romance novels tell you. Choose the person who makes you feel safe, not the one who puts you on edge. It took me far too long to let myself swallow that pill, after many times chasing the butterflies and coming up empty.
Not all unpleasant behavior is rooted in deeper problems--some people are just assholes
As someone who has a mental illness and has many friends or relationships with people that also have mental illnesses, this one took a while. Mental illness is a difficult thing to navigate for anyone, and it’s a long and tiring process day after day. Saying this, I have had many past friendships with people who have used their mental illness as a weapon to defend their shitty actions. I remember tolerating horrible treatment from a past friend because I knew she had mental health issues and didn’t want her to feel isolated and alone in her problems.
But that’s not okay. Everyone has off days with their mental illness but treating someone terribly and using your mental illness as a scapegoat is horrible. Not only does it set a bad impression of other individuals with mental illness and adds more to the stigma surrounding mental health, but you then also make other people carry this sense of guilt because they have to take emotional or physical abuse from someone or else, they can be deemed as ignorant. Mental health issues are completely valid and having off days are to be expected. But there is a big difference in your mental health issues affecting your mood and behavior to your horrific personality traits.
People are not meant to be in your lives forever
People are funny. Those who are closest to you one minute can be a distant memory. When I was younger, I was convinced everyone who I was friends with at that point, I would be friends with forever. It’s odd how time changes your perspective. Now I’m 21 and I don’t expect anyone to be permanent. There are a lot of reasons as to why people leave your life. Sometimes you have an argument and hold onto the bitter feelings, and sometimes people fade from your life due to work schedules. Sometimes you run out of reasons or motivation to keep up the relationships, and sometimes, sadly, you just lose contact. No one is guaranteed to stay in your life forever. Appreciate the time you spend with people because even if you want them, because it is rare for someone to truly be a permanent part of your life. This second aspect took me a while to learn: even if you want someone to stay in your life, they have the right to leave.
Petition of the month!
Pololū is a sacred place. A pu'uhōnua (a place of refuge, peace and safety). Kohala is the birthplace of an infant who sought refuge in Pololū Valley and grew up to become the King of Hawaii and unify the lands. Original place names of this region tell the mo'olelo (story) of how the people of this place protected this infant on his journey to Pololū Valley.
At this meeting representatives from these organizations spoke as if the community was in agreement with their submittals. No one from the community attended the meeting or was notified about it. Prior discussions with the community were about the donation of lands to the State which include 5 acres to build a "comfort station" and parking lot for visitors and acreage on the valley floor for conservation. There was NO discussion about the proposed subdivision along the ridge. Surety Kohala Corporation and KP Holdings LLC will only donate land to the State AFTER the County approves the application for the subdivision. This is not a donation. It's a payout.