I Wrote Myself a Love Letter (And Why You Should Too)
Why do we pick apart the way we look in the mirror? Why do we beat ourselves up over small mistakes? Why is it so easy to hand out compliments to strangers, but so hard to show the same kindness to ourselves?
The answer lies inside the human brain; we are hardwired to remember the negatives more than the positives. According to Verywell mind, neuroscientific evidence shows that the brain responds more to negative stimuli, leading us to notice and dwell on negativity more easily. This innate focus on the negative is called the negativity bias, and it affects our everyday thoughts and actions. In prehistoric times, this phenomena helped humans adapt to danger in their surrounding environments. However, the negativity bias is significantly less helpful as we scroll through Instagram comparing ourselves to models and influencers, or when we get a test back and skip over all the right answers to focus on the few that are wrong.
The good news is, although our brains are wired to focus on the negatives, we have the power to change the way we think. The first step to rewiring our thoughts and overcoming the negativity bias is to become aware of the negativity present in our minds. It starts by catching yourself slipping into disapproving self-talk, identifying the harmful feelings you experience after comparing yourself to others, and recognizing when your thoughts spiral into thinking about worst-case scenarios. Once we are conscious of when and where the negativity bias appears, we can start challenging it. To do this, we want to shove our negative thoughts aside, and instead focus on the positives.
Wait. How do we focus on positives when our brains are wired to do the exact opposite? Contradictory, I know. The notion of “being positive” is not as easy as brightly colored motivational posters and smiley face stickers make it out to be. It’s less than easy, it’s hard. But, I’ve found that there happens to be a sort of cheat sheet for concentrating on the positivity in our lives, and it's called the love letter to self.
The premise of the love letter is simple. It’s a list of things you love about yourself. It is not dictated by other people’s perception of you, what you accomplish, or how many times you fail. The letter focuses on the things that make you, you– things that no one and no amount of negativity can take away. Once written, you can pull out this letter to challenge the negativity bias at any time. The letter reminds you of the things you genuinely like about yourself, transforming your negative mindset into a positive one by guiding your thoughts towards gratitude and appreciation.
So, how do you create a love letter to self? You sit down and start writing. Whatever positive attributes, qualities, and characteristics you can call to mind, write them down. The list doesn’t have to be perfect, you can go back and edit it later. And, you don’t have to complete your letter in one sitting. If you can only think of a few things at first, that's okay. My list was originally much smaller, but every time I feel grateful for some different part of me, I add it to my list. For reference, here’s what my list looks like today:
Creativity
Discipline
Work ethic
Freckles
Laugh
Teeth
Sense of humor
Wit
Organizing skills
Eye for arrangement
Fingernails
Enjoying my own company
Genuine desire to learn
Taste in jewelry
Hair
If you’re having trouble writing your love letter, here are some tips that helped me create mine:
Physically write your list somewhere, whether it’s on a pad of paper, or in the Notes app on your phone. Once I wrote one thing down, it started a domino effect that led me to think of others. For example, I love my strong sense of self-discipline so I wrote that down. In turn, this discipline also plays a big role in my strong work ethic, another quality of mine that I’m proud of.
Seriously, write down everything, no matter how small or silly it may seem. Remember, this letter is for you, no one else ever has to see it. This isn’t a place to be humble, it’s a place to proudly state all the things you appreciate about yourself.
Think about your hobbies. Consider the things you like doing and ask yourself, What makes me enjoy that? For example, some of my favorite hobbies are writing and drawing. When I ask myself why I enjoy these pastimes so much, I find the answer to be because they provide an outlet for my creativity– another quality I love about myself.
If you’re struggling to come up with a list of things you love about yourself, instead write a list of things you love about the world around you. For example, the color purple, the feeling of the sun, and old architecture would all receive a spot on my own list. This list will also be an effective tool to break up the negativity in your mind by shifting your thoughts to the things that genuinely bring you joy.
There is no secret formula for creating your letter, no right or wrong answers. The letter should be crafted entirely to your liking, composed of all the things you appreciate and feel grateful for. It’s something to remind you that you are more than the negative thoughts inside your head.
Using the love letter to challenge our negativity bias is almost like learning directions to a new destination. The first couple of times you travel the new route, you will need to refer to your GPS for every instruction. But, as you follow the same directions time and time again, you begin to rely on your GPS less. Eventually, the route becomes so familiar to you, you don’t need any assistance getting there at all. In the same way, if you consult your love letter enough times, your brain will eventually navigate to this list of positives until it’s the default reaction to the negative thoughts inside your head.
By identifying our negative thoughts and making a conscious effort to change them, we can work against our negativity bias in order to think and feel more confident. I have found the love letter to be an effective tool in challenging the negativity bias that is present in my everyday life, and I encourage everyone to set aside a few minutes to create their own in hopes that it will have the same effect on you, too.