Tales of an Undiagnosed Dyslexic
graphic by Maria Tapia
Dyslexia. Even the name, I feel, mocks me and my inability to decode certain words. Dyslexia is such a common learning difficulty, but there is a serious lack of information on it. Whenever Dyslexia is spoken about, the common misconception is that there is only one type of Dyslexia, and it only involves words and numbers ‘moving around’. This is true in some respects, but that is just the tip of the iceberg when talking about Dyslexia.
There are so many types and difficulties that are not spoken about, and it does not get nearly enough attention. I was not diagnosed with Dyslexia until I was 16 or 17, which is quite late considering most dyslexic issues are picked up by teachers or parents in their early years of childhood. My issues were present but also underlying, which allowed them to eat away at my self-esteem well into my young adult life. I will relay some stories about my Dyslexia before I even knew what it was myself. But first I will run through some examples of Dyslexia and buzzwords.
Decoding — This term was used a lot during my assessment process. It references troubles with sounding words out or recognizing words by sight. For example, in class, I was able to articulate my words and make a clear argument. But if I used a word like ‘psalm’ I would not associate the spoken word with the written word on the page. Also, if I saw the written word, I would pronounce it as ‘palm’. One word where the spelling still frustrates me is ‘stomach’, as I tend to spell words how they sound, so I would write it as ‘Stum ouch’. I would not recognize it was incorrect because it sounded right.
Surface Dyslexia — This relates to the examples I have used above, as struggling to recognize common words by sight. The brain finds it hard to remember what the word looks like, so it is harder to recognize the word.
Dyscalculia — Now this is not actually a form of Dyslexia but is a learning disability involving mathematics. In contrast, Dyslexia means trouble with reading and writing, which yes, I struggle with too, yay. I spent so many years being shoved into low math classes, unable to understand the basics. I tried to explain to my teachers I was trying my hardest and just could not work as fast as the others. But I was labeled ‘unteachable’ and put into classes with students like me, who couldn’t quite figure out why we were put in a special class.
Now I know they placed us in that class to contain all the ‘unteachable’ or ‘disruptive’ students in one place. They didn’t know what was wrong with me, and they didn’t even bother to try and figure it out. I remember leaving classes with headaches as I stared at singular math equations for twenty minutes trying to will the numbers into my head. I remember working as a waitress and unable to work out bills for customers and being repeatedly told off for taking too long. I deemed myself ‘useless’ and until I got my assessment done, I then returned to pass my math exam when I was 17.
So, my math class was a disaster. I hated going and hated the looks of annoyance the teachers gave me when I could not work out basic math equations. Their frustration was understandable because I was equally frustrated. I remember tears of anger pouring down my face, just wishing to be smart. Wishing for the numbers to sit still and stay in my head, as they seemed to run away from the page.
Now I have what is known as Phonological Dyslexia, which includes trouble breaking down sounds of language and matching the sounds with written symbols. Having said this, my favorite subject in school is English Literature, and ironically was the only subject I was in the top class for. There is a misconception that people with Dyslexia hate reading and writing, and I am here to say that is not true. I adore reading and writing, and my Dyslexia does not hinder me in this aspect. Saying this, I remember every comment on my work would be along the lines of ‘Good Work! But practice your spellings’. Which again began to frustrate me, as I did practice, I just could not remember no matter how hard I tried.
Another example of my learning disabilities being an inconvenience was during my driving lessons. Here comes another example of me crying when I got home, after years of experiencing criticism for my spelling and mathematic skills, I also had trouble distinguishing my left to my right. Driving a vehicle can be very dangerous, and since learning about my learning difficulties I have found methods to help me. One time whilst trying to make a turn, my driving instructor pulled me over just to look at me and say, “Why do you make your life so hard for yourself?” I felt my whole world start to crumble as that sentence brought back every mistake I ever made on a day-to-day basis. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me and I would have given anything to know. Then I did.
I was in my first year of Sixth Form, so I was 16 at this point. I was called back from my business studies class, to discuss an essay I had written, and my teacher asked if I’d had a Dyslexia test. I was confused because it never crossed my mind that could be what was making me struggle. She explained she had two sons with Dyslexia, and I was exhibiting the same behaviors as them. She recommended me for an assessment, and I found out very quickly I had several learning difficulties gone unnoticed. The actual process of the Dyslexia assessment was long. It was about two hours, once a week, for around six weeks to pinpoint what I found difficult. I remember completing a bunch of different tasks, involving drawing, writing, speaking, rapidly talking, matching words and patterns. I recall leaving each time so tired and mentally drained because all my mental energy had been used up. I then received an assessment detailing all my difficulties.
From this point, my teachers were notified and my exams changed accordingly. I now received extra time whilst completing timed tasks and I was given a study skills mentor to help with my work. I remember crying when she first told me of my Dyslexia. I think I felt years of criticism wash over me. I heard every comment about me being a ‘difficult learner’ and not ‘trying hard enough’ come to the forefront of my head.
Now I have many friends with learning difficulties and we all bond over our hardships and celebrate our accomplishments. Being Dyslexic does not mean you are ‘not trying’ or you are stupid, it just means you learn differently, and the way some people absorb information does not necessarily work for you. This is fine and it does not mean you are less than. It means you take in information differently, which is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not caused by the environment, parenting, laziness, and you do not grow out of it. It is also not related to intelligence; you can be smart, talented, and have Dyslexia.
Petition of the month: Anti-Racism Education to be Compulsory in U.K Schools
“It’s clear my generation have had to self-educate and this is WRONG. We should all be taught from an early age how to respect one another, the struggle the Black community has faced throughout history, and why racism should be completely intolerable. With Anti-Racism being a compulsory subject of the curriculum I hope this will educate generations to come and ultimately make racism and white privilege a thing of the past.”