You Deserve to Be the Main Character, from a Past Supporting Character
I have spent years reading fiction and admiring characters through the pages of an adventure. I have loved following plots of films and binged TV series for hours on end. I have adored characters' quirks and habits. I have celebrated with their triumphs and wept at their defeats. I have been so invested in other people’s lives for so long, while disliking myself. But why can’t I appreciate my life in the same way I have these characters? Why is my life not worth romanticising? We’re all living our lives as main characters, so don’t treat yourself as a side character.
I always found it almost too easy to slip into a side character mindset, to allow myself to dim my own lights and diminish my self-worth. I’m sure we're all aware of how we can fall into these mindsets, sometimes the feeling can creep up on you days before letting yourself be swallowed by this feeling of inadequacy.
There is a narrative that says we “aren’t good enough”, that we don’t feel “pretty enough,” “toned enough,” or that my skin isn’t clear enough.” my face isn’t “symmetrical enough.” Or a mentality that we are not high enough in university/school, because we didn’t receive a scholarship for a course we spent so long perfecting, or that maybe after all the hours put into writing/sports practice/revision you still didn’t get the results you wanted.
It happens, the let downs and rejection seem to be hurled at us constantly, and after so many hits it is bound to take a toll on us mentally. After so many people and opportunities have deemed us ‘not worthy” it allows us to take that mindset and give it space inside us. I fall victim to this regularly, is it because I was passed over for a job opportunity, or because the person who I caught feelings for didn’t like me back, that somehow this results in me feeling less than. It leaves me thinking, how can I possibly be good enough? When all of these people have invertedly told me I’m not. If the whole world is screaming at me day after day that I’m not good enough, who am I to say that I am?
I genuinely feel like I have spent a good amount of my life chasing a version of myself that doesn’t exist. I always imagined that there is this doppelganger out there who is smarter , who could fit into the clothes everyone else wore Who wasn’t scared to get undressed in changing rooms, who could actually have a conversation with the person they liked. A girl who was dainty and graceful, who could be swept off her feet. I wanted to be the girl who received flowers at her locker and could solve equations in class as easy as breathing. I ultimately wanted to be pretty, smart, talented, I wanted to be THAT GIRL.
What I figured out was that I put all of my self-worth into other people. See we are all the main characters of our own story, even if we're still learning to treat ourselves like it. It is so much easier to treat yourself as unimportant, and to watch others. To be the reader and let others play out their lives, finding their talents and pursuing their dreams. Being more invested in your friends and families’ dreams becomes second nature to the side character in us. I did this for many years, I watched through my loved one’s eyes as they fell apart, put themselves back together, had new experiences, whilst I just became an onlooker. I didn’t even believe I deserved the experience, I watched in adoration as my loved ones leapt across their stepping stones of life. Not deeming myself worthy to be a part of their narrative, let alone begin my own. For someone that has spent so long with myself, I never actually allowed myself to… be myself. I didn’t even allow myself to care what I wanted. What did I like? What did I want out of life? What did I value? I realise I am always with myself, but I never really put any thought into me. I treated myself as a nameless character in my own story, a mere extra in my own feature.
So, I began to explore myself and allow myself to be the main character. So, on this journey of putting myself first I have picked up a few things all of which I’m willing to share.
Let go of the need to please everyone, seriously it’s just exhausting, and it becomes so much easier when you focus on what you actually want.
You are not being selfish by putting yourself first. Never.
Don’t put your self-worth in other hands, it needs to come from yourself.
If you learn to love yourself fully, you will not tolerate others who treat you less than that. Meaning you only then surround yourself with people that appreciate you as much as you do.
Express yourself as you wish. Dye your hair, get tattoos, wear a suit, wear a dress, wear makeup, paint your nails. Just express yourself as you see fit and what makes you happy.
Don’t let the idea of regret and failure stop you from doing something. Fucking up is part of the experience, embrace it.
Learn how to be okay on your own. It’s hard, but once mastered it is the best thing. There will be so many times you will be on your own in life. If you learn to appreciate your own presence, you will choose carefully about who to give your energy to and who you choose to spend your time with. You will appreciate yourself as the amazing individual you are, and you will see that not everyone deserves your time/energy. That is not necessarily in a ‘mean’ way, it’s just not everything requires your energy.
Realise that all the things you hate about yourself make you so much more interesting. I’m being serious.
If the option is doing it on your own or not doing it at all, do it on your own. If you want to do an activity that none wants to do with you, do it on your own. Take yourself on a date.
Pursue your passions, in whatever way that may be. Whether as a hobby or a career move. Keep your passions alive, to whatever degree you deem fit.
Dance, always. On your own, in public, with your friends, with your pets. Just dance.
Romanticise your life. Get dressed up to go nowhere, dance about in your living room, be obsessed with the daily things you do like making your coffee and doing your skincare routine.
Buy yourself flowers.
I have no idea if whoever is reading this, and if you have determined that I am going to reach a revolution now that I am at the end of this stream of consciousness. I hate to burst your bubble, but I actually have no intention of doing any of that. As I myself am still learning how to cater to my own needs, and although I appreciate you reading this article, I cannot give you a definitive ending as I’m still progressing. So, I don’t need to give you an answer to a question I’m still figuring out myself.
Last rule of being the main character, you don’t owe anyone anything.
Petition of the Month
https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/609530
Waive visa requirement for Ukrainian refugees.
Join other nations in providing a route to safety for refugees. Waive all visa requirements for Ukrainian passport holders arriving in the UK.