Returning From Your Lowest

It took a while, but I finally made it out.

Everybody goes through something in life that feels like it will be impossible to recover from. That’s what the last few months had felt like for me. I was being dragged down and I was afraid that I would never be able to resurface. My morale was declining, along with my mental health and my will to persevere. Everything in life felt so pointless and mundane, like I was just going through the motions of my life heading toward a future that was so unsure. I could only see darkness ahead. I wanted to give up so badly, and for a while that’s what I did.

If you would have asked me two years ago if I knew who I was, I would tell you that yes, I definitely do. But entering college, being faced with the death of a loved one, gaining weight, changing how I socialized because of the pandemic, and not loving the career path I had chosen for myself  forced me off of the solid track that I had been working toward for so long. It felt like everything in my life was falling apart and I had no idea how to put the pieces of myself back together. I didn’t know what I loved anymore or how to figure it out all over again. I felt as though I did not have the spirit in me to even try to get it together and start over.

It started with a morning coffee. Every morning, I would make myself a cup of coffee and mull over the tasks I had to complete. I was alone, but there was something enjoyable about it. My morning coffee was a moment I had to myself, a moment of silence where I could just be, even for a second, free of all of the expectations and tasks I had forced upon myself. So, I began to romanticize this ritual and then I began to romanticize every moment I had to myself where I could just pause and breathe.

I began to find some pieces of myself in the people who I loved the most; the people who felt the most like home. The ones who were always there to give me love when I needed it most, and even when I deserved it least. I forced myself to try to believe their kind words and their generous gestures.

I am not sure how I made it out of the hole I had dug for myself. I suppose that I am still in the process of doing so. Everything is still so uncertain and everchanging, but I began forcing myself to embrace it. I will forever be grateful for the people who have stood by me, and I will forever be grateful for that morning coffee.