A Refresher on Safe Dating
I’d first like to say that if you had a Mom, Dad, sibling, or even a peer give you advice on how to stay safe before venturing out on a date, consider that a thing to be grateful for. You may have not listened, or at least pretended to listen, but whoever told you the ways to stay safe as you go out into the scary environment that is modern dating, whether online or in-person, knew what the dangers were and wanted to look out for you. To say it’s unfortunate that these dangers still persist in dating culture is an understatement. It’s terrifying, serious, and life-altering. About two weeks ago I saw a tweet asking “Who do you think is more nervous on the first date? Man or Woman?” To where a woman responded to the tweet saying “We literally have to share our location on a first date.” It reminded me how FUCKED life can be sometimes. It reminded me of how these precautions stand in the way of the sweet and eager feelings we should be allowed to feel as we walk out the door. It made me think of the butterflies that are in our stomachs, trying to distinguish if those butterflies were excitement and healthy curiosity or fear of getting hurt, or something worse. Yeah, we hope there comes a day where people don’t have to worry about their safety while dating, a process that is already stressful and exhausting on it’s own. I can’t express how maddening it is over a simple article. My fingers are hitting the keys harder and harder as I write this, finding it hard to contain my anger on the issue the more I think about it. However, once the anger settles, let’s talk about the things we can control. It might be a retold lecture to some and a new one to others. Either way, there is no such thing as being too safe. If you’re someone who’s had to hear this speech a million times and can finish your parents’ sentences during the speech, I get why you wouldn’t want to read any further. However, I think it helps to hear this information from someone you might want to rebel against...like a parent. *I am so..so guilty of this,* you might learn something new. For those who think this gives Debbie downer energy or for those don’t see the point in the added precaution *I was so...so guilty of this,* here are some stats with sources below:
Just in 2019, 6.6 million people experienced being stalked.
24 people fall victim to at least one type of abuse every minute in the United States.
24.3% of women over the age of 18 have experienced physical assault by a boyfriend at some point in their lives. That’s over 10 million women.
There are currently eight states that don’t classify violence during dating as domestic violence.
In the United States, there are more than 20,000 intimate partner violence-related calls made to a dedicated hotline each day.
Out of those who experienced sexual or physical assault from their partner, 15% of men and 26% of women became victims before turning 18.
No matter how many times you see the percent symbol or the bullet point facts, it is so easy for teenagers and young people to fall into the “it won’t happen to me” mentality *for the last time, I am so guilty of this.* But I can’t say it any more bluntly other than this shit is REAL. Here are some important safety tips to prevent harmful situations from both in-person and online dating. Think of this article as the little sticky note of reminders that are put on your door before you leave, or the fun aunt that gets serious with you for just a minute, hopefully making it more eager for you to listen.
Meet in Public for the first few dates
Parks, restaurants, coffee shops, places you’re familiar with. Try to avoid locations where you’re alone or confined. While it might be more romantic to be alone with your date, nobody will be around to help you if you need it.
Have your “I Gotta Go” excuse ready
Don’t be afraid to leave the date prematurely if you feel uncomfortable. If you think of your excuse beforehand, it will come across more believable. Even if you don’t have one prepared and you make one up on the spot, good. You're responsible for yourself by leaving. It’s their fault for making you uncomfortable, not yours.
Literally watch your alcohol
As you are getting to know a new person of interest, be aware of your alcohol limits so you don’t lose control. ALSO, if you leave your drink unattended, ask for a new one when you come back in case someone puts something in your glass.
For the first few times, avoid specifics
Whether online or in-person, be sure to not get too detailed about your personal life. As much as talking about your family, your job, your hobbies, and the school you go to seem normal topic points on a first date, they could end up being harmful. It is encouraged to talk about these things as long as you leave specific details about them out. The little information that you drop can work as a tool to stalk you. Maybe think of it as a challenge to come up with new talking skills:)
Looking up information on someone you are going to go out with isn’t paranoid, it’s smart
Let’s all be real, we all stalk each other on Instagram. You still stalk your best friends and people you know everything about from time to time. So, of course, you’re going to hop online to see what you could find about who you will go out with. Because yes, as you hopefully learn some fun things about them, you may learn something concerning or harmful about this person that may prevent you from going on a date with them.
Carry pepper spray
Something physical to put in your bag. :)
You should carry something to defend yourself when you meet a person for the first time. It’s a good non-lethal alternative to defending yourself.
Transport yourself home
We all know those scenes in coming of age films where they drop you off at home in their car right before they give you a peck on the cheek. As lovely as that looks on the screen, it’s much safer to get yourself home alone and kindly object to a ride home.
Shoot your friend a text
Your friend is probably eager to see how the date is going anyways. Just let them know where you are and how it’s going. If you’re not the biggest texter, an emoji will do.
Don’t give out your # the first time
Giving out your number to someone can make you more vulnerable to stalking. If you’re on an online dating app such as Tinder or Bumble, it’s quite common to transition from the chatroom on the app to general texting. Think twice and get to know the person a little more before handing out your number. Once they have your actual #, it just got twice as easy for them to hack your phone, track your whereabouts or continually text or call you. Try DMing or Snapchat first. :)
Trust your instincts
This is probably the one you’ve heard the most. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen to it. If you overlook it you might regret it later. Hanging around trying to make something feel right is a risk that might not be work taking.
Okay, I’m done. Never hurts to refresh yourself with possibly life saving information, ya know? To those who’ve been told this a million times, I’m curious how many of you actually do these things, or maybe you did once and just slacked off the more time went on. It’s ok, we all slack on stuff, even really important stuff like this. BUT GET BACK ON TRACK!
We are all sexy and worthy individuals who only deserve respect when taken on a date and deserve nothing less than that. I hope you do all these things not just to stay infinitely safer, but to maybe avoid the bad butterflies for the good ones. The ones that bring out fantasy, intimacy, laughter, happiness and maybe love. :) Stay safe you lovely lovely souls.
SOURCES
11 Facts About Teen Dating Violence. (n.d.). Retrieved November 30, 2020, from https://www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11-facts-about-teen-dating-violence
Social Solutions. (2020, July 30). 20 Alarming Domestic Violence Statistics. Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://www.socialsolutions.com/blog/domestic-violence-statistics-2018/
10 Safety Tips for Online Dating. (2020, March 04). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://www.safety.com/10-online-dating-safety-tips/