Does The Honeymoon Phase Really Exist?
I was scrolling through Twitter the other day, as I often do, and happened upon a tweet that read:
“The ‘honeymoon phase’ is a myth perpetuated by men to normalize their decreased effort in a relationship.”
I thought this was a really interesting concept which made me stop to ponder; I’m not sure if I believe in a honeymoon period. However, that tweet got a lot of interaction - over 20,000 likes and over 5,600 retweets, so there must be some credit to this thought, right?
Well, I conducted a survey where I asked a small pool of people about the supposed honeymoon phase, and these were my findings:
80% of people said they believed that the honeymoon period did exist
55% of people said that it lasted 1-2 months
36.8% of people said they felt NO discontentment when the phase was perceived to be over, but 26.3% said yes, they did.
Although my small survey cannot represent everyone’s opinion, it is clear that from my research and the tweet in question that many people do believe in some sort of a honeymoon period. Concluding from my personal research and reading, this period seems to have two distinct definitions, but both can also work in synthesis.
One: the first part of a new romantic relationship where you feel a positive, overwhelming emotional feeling, somewhat buzzy.
Two: an increased effort that depletes after a few months of dating.
(The length of the honeymoon period is debated).
Another comment I received was that the honeymoon phase was a ‘heterosexual social construct.’ I wanted to dig into this a little because I had a mixed reaction about the honeymoon phase from both queer and straight people. Some felt that it did exist, and some didn’t, across the various sexual identities.
So - does the honeymoon phase exist? Unfortunately, it is difficult to quantify and capture a true and universal feeling - I think this majorly depends on the definition and personal experience. However, in my opinion, I think there is a substantive claim to be made about there being a general buzzing feeling at the beginning of any relationship. There is some scientific evidence to suggest that hormones are released to give that exuberant, romantic feeling. Obviously, this doesn’t last forever, which could be perceived as the end of the honeymoon period.
In my experience, the above appears to be true. There is no denying the rush you feel when you see them waiting for you at the train station for your second date and the butterflies that flap around in your stomach when you suspect they’re about to lean in for a kiss. I vividly remember feeling like I might vomit from a cocktail of nerves and fervour, sitting across the table from a dark-headed Brazilian woman in Bills for our first date. (I might add that it went rather well and she is now my girlfriend).
So, the honeymoon period that is defined as the beginning where everything is super romantic and exciting exists in my opinion. But when it ends, is it necessarily a bad thing? The first of my definitions suggests yes, as no one wants to experience decreased efforts within a relationship. Is this a universal, and limited to, heterosexual experience? I would suggest no, as my research has shown that straight couples can still foster that effort and romance after a prolonged period of time. To determine whether it occurs more in heterosexual relationships than queer ones would take an extensive amount of research.
Speaking from personal experience, I have not experienced any waning effort within both my straight and gay relationships. My relationship with a man lasted just over a year and a half and I can honestly say that during that time, an unabated effort was made from both parties, especially because we were long-distance for most of our relationship. So, I don’t necessarily think that the honeymoon period defined as decreased effort is a universal feeling, and also not strictly heterosexual.
Even though with my girlfriend, I do not feel the initial rush that is associated with newness, I still feel a rush of serotonin when I see her car pull up on my driveway. This is perhaps an evolved sense of honeymoon. Using the first definition of the honeymoon period, I do not think its end is necessarily a negative thing. With the right person, long relationships can cultivate a deeper connection, stability, comfort and partnership, which are all qualities that most of us strive for in life. The initial thrill can be swapped for more profound love and affection, perhaps a different passion.
To summarise, I do think that the honeymoon period existing (an initial buzz and excitement at the beginning of a relationship) is a substantive claim. However, I also think that there is definitely potential to foster that spark that was alighted at the beginning of the relationship and to shape it into something more grounded and mature as the relationship continues (this is something that I have experienced). Perhaps also just swapping mystery for familiarity, meaning that it’s not a negative thing to move out of this honeymoon phase. Although it is likely that in times of hardship such as mental illness, financial worries or job loss, there will be a truncated effort, I do not think that a fervour and intense romantic feeling about the other person is always limited to the beginning of a relationship.
The honeymoon phase defined as an initial romance and above-and-beyond-type effort which depletes after the beginning period of a relationship is also valid but not something I can personally relate to. I would suggest it is not as universal as the first definition.
These are just some of my thoughts based on research I have done and my personal experience. Overall, I think the experience of such a phase is entirely personal. To get a greater hold on the notion of the honeymoon period would require long and extensive research, but I definitely think it bears thinking about.