From Friends With Benefits to Relationship: Does It Work?

Once upon a time, in a land far away, two friends got together and decided to have sex. They cheerfully drew up an agreement in which they stated that they would sleep with each other as a way of expressing their desires, but without the commitments of having a serious engagement. Just sex with "no strings attached" as they liked to call it. It seemed like an absolute dream come true - having sex with a person they were attracted to, but without any further responsibilities towards each other. For a while it worked out splendidly until one day... how should I put this delicately? - Shit hit the fan. Because, as you might have already guessed, this tale comes to an end when one person catches feelings for the other and realizes that they want to be more than "just" friends with benefits. 

What sounds like a silly little story, portrayed in movies such as "Friends with Benefits" or "No Strings Attached" happens quite often in real life. Two people get together and have sex, but then, after spending more and more time together, one of them catches feelings and it starts to get messy. It's not uncommon for at least one person to develop some sort of romantic attraction towards the other and it makes perfect sense as to why this happens: A plethora of hormones are being released during sex. This includes oxytocin which is associated (amongst others) with trust, empathy, and relationship-building. When you add the friendship aspect of the whole friends with benefits situation into the equation, it's understandable that you might eventually want more than to just have sex with a person you like. 

Which now begs the question: Can you go from being friends with benefits to being in a committed relationship? The answer is: Yes, you can, but the transition might not always be an easy feat.

So... how do you actually approach this situation? 

Step 1: Get clear on what you are 

Sure, you call yourselves friends with benefits or fuck-buddies or any other term you use to label your arrangement, but who is it that you are sleeping with? Are you friends? Were you friends before you decided to have sex with each other? Did sleeping with this person start as a one-night-stand with a stranger? Are you sleeping with an ex-partner? Do you see this person regularly? Do you do activities together besides having sex? Do you talk or text? How much do you actually know about this person? 

The relationship you have with this person before sleeping with them can have an impact on if you want to turn your FWB situation into something more serious. Do you have enough data on this person to be able to have feelings for them or do you just like the idea of them? You may be wanting to commit to someone you don't know yet, and that could lead to possible fundamental arguments or disagreements, like politics or religion further down the line. Another question to ask yourself is if you actually like them or if you might just be lonely. For some people being in a relationship can be one of the most meaningful experiences to have, so it's not uncommon to pursue a relationship just to be in one or to be protected from loneliness. 

Step 2: Get clear on what you want

Before you have an open and honest conversation with your person, have this conversation with yourself: Where exactly do you want this relationship to go? What do you expect out of this relationship? Do you want to be in a monogamous romantic relationship, if yes, how does that look like to you? Do you want to be in another kind of relationship and how would that look like? What values and characteristics are you looking for in a partner and does your person possess them? What is especially important to you in a relationship? 

These are all things you need to be clear about before you approach a conversation with your person. 

Also, consider this: Are you okay with this person not being in your life altogether? Unfortunately, feelings are not always reciprocated and your person might not want your current relationship to be heading in the same direction as you do. So, what happens then? Would you be willing to go back to just being physical (well-intentioned advice: PLEASE don't do that to yourself) and if not, would you still want to be friends? Are you okay with this person not wanting to continue any kind of relationship with you after you bring up the topic? 

Step 3: Talk to your person 

As with any other issue regarding relationships: Communication is key! But as we all know, communication can be difficult and scary...especially because of the no-commitment nature of the relationship that often makes people hesitate to ask for anything more than sex. This is why writing down what you want to say before you say it can be very helpful. You can also practice on a friend so when the actual conversation takes place it doesn't feel as overwhelming. However, this is a conversation that needs to be held in person. While writing your thoughts and feelings down can ease your mind, sending your person a text/email/letter is not sufficient. 

Step 4: Transition into a relationship 

If you have both established that you are interested in pursuing a deeper relationship you need to be clear on what kind of relationship you are committing to. You both need to be on the same page about your wants, needs, desires, feelings and expectations. After you have thoroughly talked everything through you essentially need to start from scratch. This means that you have to get to know your person all over again, isn't that exciting? 

Start dating each other intentionally and maybe even step back from the sex for a while. For a committed relationship to work, you have to establish a trusting, genuine, safe, and nurturing basis which is what you should be both working on with the same dedication.

Step 5: Check in with your person

After a couple weeks you should sit down with each other and ask yourselves: Is this working for us or is it not? If it is working, great! You’re on the best way of figuring out what a happy and healthy relationship looks like for you. If it doesn’t, however, agree to let the other know. Maybe you've come to the realization that being with this person isn't what you expected it to be after all. Maybe one of you isn't as invested as the other, or it’s just not working out for whatever reason and frankly that's what happens sometimes. If that is the case, do yourselves a favor and accept it. You gave it your best and learned something along the way.  

Just because a relationship starts out as casual doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. You too can live happily ever after with your person, as long as you are both on the same page about what you want. Let it be known, however, that not every story has a happy ending, so be prepared that yours might not have one before you embark on the journey of turning your friends with benefits into something more.