Loud and Proud: Being Vocal in the Bedroom
Cover by Mariana Ayumi
Anyone who's ever had sex knows that it’s a far cry from what we see in raunchy rom coms and Nicholas Sparks novels. There’s a lot more sweat, some bad jokes here and there, and also some awkward angles that don’t really work out— or maybe it takes a little longer to unhook a bra than you expected. We know this, just like we understand the perfectly timed orgasms and faultless lingerie…But then there’s the sound. Maybe your partner doesn’t sound like they’re on the set of Netflix’s Bridgerton, or maybe you don’t sound like you were cast for Fifty Shades of Grey. Depictions of sex, whether it’s in adult film or not, tend to be extremely done up— even down to the acoustics. While you by no means need to get porny with your sex life (unless that’s your thing, of course), these flicks are onto something: being vocal in the bedroom can open up an entirely new gateway to experiencing pleasure.
It can be intimidating to think about at first— especially after you watch a movie’s highly curated sex scene with flawless, perfectly timed orchestra. The adult film industry does this, as well, albeit in a less romantic way. And both contribute to stereotypes of women needing to be exceedingly loud in the bedroom to be “good in bed” or to even enjoy sex at all. Being vocal has nothing to do with how “good” at sex you are; it can, however— in a variety of ways— make sex more enjoyable. After all, being vocal isn’t limited to over-the-top noises. Being vocal has to do with communication, relaxation, and presence too.
We can talk about the obvious first: moaning, groaning, grunting, sighing, etc. This is a form of audible communication that is less verbal, per se. You don't have to be an expert with a Ph.D. in pillow talk to tell your partner what you like and don’t like with a soft sigh or…well, whatever sounds you like to make. Being vocal is essential here; not only is it hot to hear your own (and your partner’s) pleasure, it also grounds you in the moment. Sound amplifies what you feel physically, and can also serve as affirmation for your partner (kinda like a pat on the back, but a lot sexier).
Just know that when we say “Be vocal!”, we aren’t talking about performance. Again, we often feel pressure to perform when we have sex. Being vocal doesn’t have to be performative, and it certainly doesn’t have to feel like it. There is no standard that we have to live up to; we only have to be ourselves. Sure, that can be an intimidating thought. After all, what if our partner doesn’t like the way we sound? What if we’re too quiet or too loud, or we don’t sound authentic? What if we don’t sound authentic?
The best way to go about these concerns is either to talk with your partner directly or do what comes naturally. On a personal level, it’s a matter of letting your body do what it wants in response to what you’re actually feeling. Not only does it further ground you in the moment, but it also amplifies it. Sure, you can add a little timed squeak here or there if you want— just to communicate what feels good— but allowing these sounds to come naturally allows you to keep your focus on the present moment, rather than pleasing your partner and adhering to guidelines set by unrealistic depictions. It can also be fun to discover what your natural tells are; lean back next time you’re in bed and take your time noticing what feels good— and how your body shows it. It’s a whole new avenue of self-discovery— and one you can travel alone or with your partner!
If you’re not really into vocalizing, verbal communication is still a valuable asset in your sexual toolbox. Even though we’ve all heard this before, it’s worth hearing again: talking about your sex life translates to better sex in the bedroom. So whether you’re into vocalizing or not, talking about sex with your partner is a great way to address what positions you love, what you want to try in the future, and what feels good. If you don’t feel like doing so during sex (though it can be sexy), enjoy the conversation over cuddles and a cup of hot chocolate.
Pillow talk is also always an option, too. A lot of times, especially with vocalization and communication, it’s not necessary, but it can be a really enjoyable way to spice up your Thursday evening. Even so, it can be daunting. We aren’t taught to talk erotically. Voicing our likes and desires sensually can present a challenge. Try something simple to start, like an appreciative “yes” or a breathy murmur of your partner’s name. (Whispering is always a plus). Talking dirty can even be a form of foreplay; there’s nothing hotter than hearing how badly your partner wants you. The ultimate tip: say what you want to— what you’re really thinking— and not something you’ve just seen on TV or in adult media.
No matter your preferred delivery, being vocal can not only improve your sex life by telling your partner what specifically feels great, but it can also make it more enjoyable for yourself by that same token. It’s also hot— it shows your partner you’re into what’s happening and that you’re sexually attracted to them. It brings you closer to your physical connection. There is no particular sound or form that your enjoyment takes; it’s about what feels good to you, and there’s no need to feel self-conscious about letting loose. Be loud and be proud of it— and push those cinematic expectations aside.