Stop Getting Your Dating Advice From TikTok

As of late, it’s safe to say that my dating life is, in a word, confusing. Between love triangles, mixed signals, and everyone around me trying to insert their own opinions, I have been struggling to gain clarity in my romantic relationships. So where better to gain this craved perspective than a platform with hundreds of millions of users: TikTok. 

What at first seemed like a logical solution to my appetite for increased perspective on my romantic predicaments quickly threw me into a rabbit hole of negativity, and later anxiety.

We’re all guilty of taking social media a little too seriously at times. Whether we’re comparing our “normal” lives to those of influencers who are paid to look like their own are significantly better, or comparing our appearance to those who pay to look perfectly inhuman, we turn to the internet to see what is going on in the lives of those around us- and often hurt our own feelings in the process.

By now, it’s clear to all of us that the internet is one dimensional, displaying only a sliver of the full picture. So why I thought dating advice would be any more authentic coming from the shallow depths of social media, I cannot say.

Fed up with hearing the same old thing from my friends, whose job it is to validate my every emotion, I yearned for more. 

In the height of my, now hyperbolic, “crisis,”  I was convinced that the most popular app of our generation was bound to have that broader perspective, and therefore perfect solution, that I so badly desired. 

In theory, it makes sense. We turn to social media when we have a problem because someone somewhere is experiencing the exact same things as us, whether it’s a health, lifestyle, or in my case, romantic concern. 

At first, I could relate to the content that I saw. My “For You Page” (FYP) was flooded with videos of beautiful young women both expressing their own romantic concerns, often coated in some sort of comedic relief, along with bite-sized dating advice. However, the satire quickly turned sour.

What I found was not a solution to any of my problems, but instead a rather bitter side of the app. What I have noticed is that TikTok tends to fearmonger. The worst possible case scenario for your specific concern seems to be validated by a total stranger with a completely different situation than yours, trying to convince you to see your own predicament as completely black and white, rather than the personalized complexity that it truly is.  

While I can appreciate the side of TikTok that celebrates female independence and the promotion of self confidence, I find myself drained by the often resentful tone that revolves around failed, or even just bumpy relationships, situationships, and talking stages.

 One piece of TikTok advice that seems to make its way to my FYP time and again is the sentiment that “If they wanted to, they would.” 

The quote seemed revolutionary at first. That is, until I could comprehend that it’s completely false. 

There are tons of things that I want to do, that I simply don’t...in all aspects of my life. So why would I make this very concept that I do not live up to an identifier for whether someone truly values me or not. Now, I’m not saying that this slogan is entirely inaccurate. I believe that people put effort into the things that they truly want. And if you feel like someone is not giving you the kind of effort that you seek, then you have every right to part ways. But don’t feed into social media’s limited point of view. Only you know your situation, and it is far too complex to be solved by a gaggle of bitter singles trying to make you bitter, as well. 

I even came across one self-proclaimed dating coach preaching erroneos science surrounding attachment after intimacy in men versus women. They asserted that women should abstain from having sex with their male partners because, “scientifically,” women get too emotionally invested, while men completely lose interest after the deed. Is this a pattern? Yes. But a scientific fact? Absolutely not!

But I can’t really stay mad at TikTok. The app is just doing what it’s designed to do- show you what you want to see. If I’m liking a bunch of videos that center around the “men ain’t shit” narrative, that’s exactly what I’ll keep getting. 

But the issue is that once I found the solutions to my problems in my own reality, I no longer needed that previously relatable content. So after I had made peace with my romantic situations, whether they worked out in my favor or not, I was left with all of these videos telling me that men are demons and are not to be trusted.

TikTok not only gave me an added layer of trust issues, but reignited the ones I already had. Except these new and improved trust issues were validated by millions of people who I now understand have no idea what they’re talking about. 

“Have a hot girl summer,” they said (whatever that means). “Kill all men,” they said (understandable). “Use them for all they’re worth then cut them off,” they said (terrifying). 

TikTok had me convinced that neither I nor the millions of beautiful people on the app would ever find love, or anything close to it. And it wasn’t even my fault. Briefly, TikTok brainwashed me into believing that the problem was, and always will be, men. And while we do indeed live in a patriarchy that coddles and often encourages the unacceptable actions of men, it is far from the truth that they are always the problem when it comes to romantic quarles. To suggest this is to dismiss the great number of men who face abuse themselves. TikTok revealed itself as not only toxic, but utterly harmful. 

TikTok is inadvertently raising an entire generation to believe that men suck and we’re all better off without them - and sometimes I don’t totally disagree. However, this narrative is harmful both to the accused and the accuser. This app is sabotaging your dating life. Run while you can- not from love, but TikTok.