Tight ≠ Good Sex

From porn to pop culture, it’s no secret that women’s naughty bits have been grossly stigmatized. Vulvas are expected to be “neat,” the overall scent is supposed to resemble roses or rock candy—anything sweet and distinctly feminine, really—and, more than anything, vaginas are expected to be tight. 

Tight. Like a noose, I guess—or like the lid on a pickle jar. Whatever the analogy, a woman’s vagina is “supposed” to be tight. We hear it all of the time, from pillow talk to casual, everyday phrases. But what does that even mean?

First, a more scientific/biological/logical answer: during intercourse, a lot of the sensation is caused by friction. This friction has nothing to do with the overall “tightness” or size of a vagina; it’s just something that occurs during intercourse—regardless of the vagina in question. The stigma surrounding “tightness” is that there is more friction, and thus more pleasure. This is not only redundant, but it’s not just not true, for a number of reasons.

Because, in a certain sense, a “tight” vagina goes against basic female anatomy. During sexual arousal, the vagina both lengthens and widens to readily prepare for intercourse. The body undergoes this change to more easily “accept” penetration. In other words, it’s a comfort thing so that intercourse isn’t painful—and with all the same sensations. 

Tightness can be a sign that you’re not prepared to have sex—whether that’s emotionally,  physically, or a combination of the two. Furthermore, extreme tightness can even be a symptom of an underlying concern: atrophic vaginitis, vaginismus, or another type of vulvovaginal infection or condition—of which affected individuals are treated with even more societal unfairness. Additionally, vaginal tightness can also be affected by hormonal fluctuations like menopause and pregnancy, or life events like stress and mental illness. So really, tightness usually doesn’t give people with vaginas all that much pleasure—just more pain and discomfort. 

This isn’t to say that a vagina will never be tight or that difficulty getting “it” in there will never occur—it comes with the territory, after all (and lube exists for a reason). Again, as long as there are no underlying concerns or lasting pain, this is perfectly normal. The issue with tightness comes with the fact that it is, in the weirdest sense, expected—and primarily by male partners. Hence the ever-present culprit and infamous repeat offender: sexism. 

At some point or another, we’ve heard the phrase “loose woman,” of which synonyms are adulteress, fornicatress, hussy, and strumpet. Or, some more modern and frequently used words: slut and whore. This phrase has everything to do with suppressing female sexuality and degrading those who explore it. While “loose” can be applied to any person’s character, “loose woman” is inherently judgemental and not-so-subtly implies a “loose” vagina. 

This is important because it ties directly into societal pressures and stereotypes surrounding women’s purity—similar to slut-shaming and the double standard surrounding virginity. A “pure” woman has an untouched vagina, while an “unpure” woman has had multiple sexual partners. In fact, the societal perception is that the more sexual partners a woman has, the “looser” her vagina is perceived to be. And loose vaginas aren’t seen as desirable or, in an even more sickening way, youthful or innocent. This way of thinking conditions young women to be afraid to explore their sexuality and, on the broader side, to lose their sex appeal with age. Women may feel as though they somehow ruin their “innocence and purity” through their exploration and that their sexcapades will make them “loose” and therefore undesirable to future partners. 

The idea of “tightness” extends from what makes a vagina “desirable” to what makes a woman desirable. It is yet another way that women are unfairly and inaccurately judged by a misogynistic society that is designed to suppress and exploit—and that is focused entirely on male pleasure. The “tighter” a person is, the more pleasure there is to be had on behalf of the male—even if that pleasure comes at the expense of their partner. If a person isn’t considered to be “tight,” they are seen as incompetent in the bedroom. Vaginal tightness has nothing to do with how pleasurable sex is; it has everything to do with stigma, sexism, and repeated misunderstanding of the female body.

Good sex comes from good communication. Good chemistry. It comes from passion and emotional drive, care, and a strong self of self. Good sex comes from within…in a literal sense too…and is based on safety and comfort, not how tight you or your partner’s vagina happens to be. 

When it comes to vaginas, there is no standard, and there is no constant—and there is no ideal. All vaginas are different, and all vaginas are good vaginas. “Tight” does not equal sexy, nor does it equal good sex. Aside from health concerns, “tight” is neither a good nor bad thing. You deserve to feel comfortable and sexy in your own skin, regardless of what society says.