What Does It Mean to Be Asexual?

By now, I’m sure we’re all aware of the term “asexual.” I’m almost positive we’ve all come across it, maybe just once or twice. But what exactly does it mean? According to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, AVEN, a person is asexual when they “do not experience sexual attraction or an intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships.” Even with this definition, the term itself can have different meanings for different people. Everyone has unique and complex experiences being asexual, making this identity somewhat of an umbrella term, but a term with many misunderstandings, nonetheless.

Let’s dive in with first differentiating between celibacy and asexuality. Like any other sexuality, being asexual isn’t a choice. Choosing not to participate in sex, whether it be for a religious reason or a personal preference, would fall under celibacy or abstinence. With the underrepresentation of asexuality in the media, it can be hard to navigate exactly what you identify as when it comes to personal relationships.

In an interview with Cosmopolitan, ace-identifying women sat down and better-explained what their sexuality meant to them, and how it’s affected their relationships and daily lives. “I experience attraction in a different way than the average person does. When I’m attracted to someone it’s more like appreciating a work of art than wanting to make out with them,” one woman said. Another woman was also anonymously interviewed. “I always felt that there was something different about how I approached relationships. I thought I was a late bloomer, but I'm 27 now and things have not really changed. Celebrity crushes have always been more about who I could see myself hanging out with and not who I would want to bang, so to speak,” she said. “I identify as a grey-ace, so definitely ace with some grey area. There are many other variations of ace. I'm in a straight-passing relationship with a cis man and have been for over five years now. I've had sex and still do, albeit at a very low frequency compared to others. Years without sex does not bother me in the slightest.”

The second point to debunk: whether or not asexual people desire relationships. A Healthline article briefly counters the argument that asexual people may be seen in society as “broken.” Although this community may be less active in engaging in intimate acts, “many asexual people desire romantic relationships — and many asexual people are in happy, healthy romantic relationships. It’s often assumed that asexual people will feel sexual attraction when they meet the ‘right’ person, but this is untrue,” according to the article.

Aside from sexual attraction, someone who does identify as asexual can feel that same attraction in a variety of different ways: emotional, romantic, platonic, and aesthetic. These are all valid ways for ace-identifying people to connect with someone. There is also sensual or physical attraction, which is merely wanting to touch, cuddle, or hold somebody, minus the sexual intimacy.

In an article by Seventeen written by Carolyn Twersky, one line reads “like other facets of sexuality, asexuality is not black or white.” Twersky also touches on certain aspects that a potential-ace person may feel confused about, as understanding the traits of sexuality before identifying with it may be hard to distinguish. “Some people who define themselves as somewhere in between asexual and sexual consider themselves to be ‘gray, graysexual, gray-asexual, or gray-a,’ according to AVEN. You might use one of these labels to describe yourself if you have felt sexual attraction in the past, but it's just not often.”

The last key point to note is that a lot of people’s experience with asexuality is fluid — and that’s valid. There is still a fine line between asexuality and abstinence, however, in the event someone were feel little to no sexual attraction at all one week to feel a shift a week later, this person would still be considered as asexual. It goes both ways, one day someone may feel hetero/bi/homo/pansexual, and then later feel asexual. This doesn’t make them wrong or confused, and it also doesn’t mean that sexual orientation is a “phase,” as if it’s something you’ll grow out of. That same article later says, “For some people, their capacity for attraction is fluid and changes over time. This is completely normal.” If someone were to experience sexual attraction in the past but no longer does, their asexual identity is still valid!

While it’s true that some asexual people experience absolutely no sexual attraction at all, there’s a sub-category, demisexual, in which case sexual attraction only forms after the person makes a strong bond with their partner or the other person. There have been other situations, also, where people only engage in sexual intimacy or acts with their partner specifically. Some even only engage in it as a compromise for their partner.

The difference between sexual desire and sexual attraction are also key points applied to this identity. While many people can assume the two to be synonymous, the words mean different things when considering all the possible situations in which these words can be used. In a story written by The Ace Theist, they note “the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire, at its most basic, is cognitive. Attractions are involuntary; desire is the degree of will directed toward action.” The distinction between the two can vary from person to person based on a number of personal factors — but this notation is important in any discussion about asexuality in general.

With the fluidity of this identity comes the inclusivity of its flag. This sexuality allows people to have the ability to find exactly where they feel like they fit in with the term, as the experience differs for everyone. Each stripe and its color has a meaning, with the black stripe representing asexuality as a whole, the gray stripe representing demisexuals and gray-asexuals the white stripe representing the allies, and the purple stripe representing the community altogether.