I Am Not The Main Character, And That’s Ok

I pulled a very unwanted all-nighter last night. Falling asleep is very difficult for me so when I feel that sense of fatigue I really try to listen to it and try to sleep, or pretend to sleep, since that’s the only way to actually fall asleep. It was about 11:45 pm, I felt myself fading..and fading and fading to sleep and then DING! An Instagram notification appears on my phone. It’s my own fault for leaving my ringer on at night. If I turned my ringer off I probably would’ve been off to sleep with no problems, a wonderful rarity for me. Instead, my mind raced, “It’s an instagram notification so it might be a really fun meme that my friend sent and I forget to respond in the morning?” Or “What if it’s my crush who sends me a funny video that’s not actually funny but it gives me the chance to respond with LOL I’M DEAD leading us into a conversation?” Or “What if I got tagged in something?” By the way, all of these situations rarely ever happen, yet, they were all I thought about as my eyes were still closed. I knew whatever it was could wait about seven hours and that one good night's sleep could have such a huge effect on the next day…but no. 

Because I am and have always been addicted to that stupid screen, I reached over to the nightstand to check it. It was something pointless, a stranger decided to follow my super boring Instagram account. That didn’t matter, what mattered is I knew there was no chance of me going to sleep now when my iPhone was five inches close to my eyes with the brightness all the way on. I felt my brain start to feel stimulated instead of soothed and again, Irresponsibly, I decided to give into the stimulation…let the night begin. It quickly became 12 and I vaguely remember it going like this: Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, more TikTok, Spotify, TikTok, YouTube, Twitter, camera roll, TikTok, bowl of cereal, Netflix, Pinterest and probably more TikTok. Then 4 am hit and I felt like shit. I tried to turn off the screen and tried reading a book but then I got bored and quickly stopped that activity. After trying various sleeping positions that didn’t work, I ended up falling asleep around 6 a.m and waking up around 11. I can’t wait to repeat the cycle tonight. 

As I began writing this piece, I realized I only had bullet points for what I wanted to talk about in this article but never turned it into the actual written piece, so I put on sweatpants that are way too big, an old sweatshirt from high school, mismatched socks and white Adidas that are basically grey from how dirty they are. I put some acne medication on and put my hair in a messy bun *not a cute one* and planted myself in a cute coffee shop to write. 

I want to paint the picture of how I look and feel in a very detailed way to show just how much I feel not like myself. Not a 20 year old woman, not a young adult intact with her priorities, not a girl in pursuit of putting her mental health first. I was feeling all these emotions while on the outside I truly looked like a girl who’s been in a year long coma. What isn’t helping is seeing girls that look around my age occupying all the tables around me...brunching like there’s no tomorrow. That’s not the problem *the only reason I mentioned that is because I so badly wish I could afford to splurge on brunch in New York City every once in a while, but maybe one day.* The problem is how I imagine they look and feel at that moment. Their laughs are so sexy, their table manners are perfect, the beanies some of them wear perfectly match their trendy winter outfit. The table to my right is discussing their most embarrassing sex stories, some of the stories are so funny that I audibly laugh but try to cover my mouth so they won’t notice my eavesdropping. This is a VERY long winded way of saying that 1) I feel like a loser *which I’m not* and 2) “I am not the main character. In this story, in any story, not even in my own life story” 

The second thought would’ve never crossed my mind a year ago, however I feel the first thought all the time. Three months ago, we were not seeing the trend on TikTok and Instagram about manifesting your own main character energy. There were no Spotify playlists entitled “you’re the main character in an A24 film.” There were no vlogs centered around what clothes to wear, what activities to do and what traits to have to perfectly embody the main character “type.” I’m sure this trend serves as a blessing and a curse. 

One perspective is that it’s a way for people to realize their inner beauty and unapologetically walk the streets in confidence and flow. It’s a way for people to realize how they come first, and how, for a hot second, you can let the world revolve around you. Another perspective is that the trend gives too much importance to materialism. It’s giving the finger to everyone around you and saying “no, you’re not cool enough to be the main character, let me hog this room with my presence.” I go back and forth with these perspectives when deep down I admit it’s only made me more insecure, and isn’t that just what a twenty year old woman needs? A thing to feel more insecure about? In this age where there is already so much unneeded judgement on what you wear and the social status you hold, there’s now another invisible status on whether you are the main character or not. I know in the bigger scheme of things it’s not the biggest deal...but in the age I am now it’s all I see and think about! I’m sure I’m not the first person to admit that FUCK YEA I wanna be the main character! Who doesn’t want to feel that important or worthy?! Who doesn’t want to have an aesthetic or aura attached to them? From all the movies, TikToks and influencer postings that I consume, I tend to do a little stupid self-assessment to see if I fit the “criteria” of a main character, thinking that will somehow alleviate my insecurities. 

I think about FRIENDS, where Jennifer Aniston goes through these quirky ups and downs all while looking the way Jennifer Aniston looks. How I wish I could be a part of a real will they/won’t they with a charmer like Ross. By the end of the series, the character Rachel becomes an icon for her hilarious and raw moments, having a plethora of memories to make her smile. 

I think about Gossip Girl, where Serena and Blair were indeed, two pretty best friends, who ruled New York City with their sass and beauty. After many glitzy parties, obnoxiously handsome gentlemen, and memorable girl fights, I’ve never observed two characters ready to take on the world than those two.

I think about Lady Bird, where this woman really had the bad bitchery to make a nickname for herself and demand people refer to her as Lady Bird. With her soft pink hair, unique sense of style and her poster-filled room, she ends up actually hooking up with the man she had a crush on and moves to the city of her dreams.  

Then I have my friends who dive into the trend as well. All my friends are so beautiful inside and out and I love hyping them up and reminding them of that. I really admire the confidence a lot of them have, posting content of themselves with the caption “Who’s gonna cast me I’m ready” or even “I’m the main character in your life too honey”...to which I say, yes, yes you are. I could never do what they do. These people walk into a room and demand everyone’s attention with their presence. I walk into a room and trip on my own feet like I do every ten steps. I still continue to assess and compare myself in my surroundings. 

I looked at these beautiful girls that are total strangers to me, brunching around me in the coffee shop thinking “they probably write in a five minute journal, put on a face mask, fucking medidate and doze off to bed. Or if they did have trouble sleeping, I imagine they might take a bubble bath or look at the window with a mysterious expression”. *That’s something I see a lot in these main character stories-looking mysterious.* It’s become very polarizing for me, where my mind makes it a black and white world thinking “I am not pretty or worthy, and all the rest are.” All due to this small trend that I clearly dissected too much of. Then I remember something, something so obvious and reassuring. Some of you might already know what it is, but to those who still feel “less than” due to this new cool manifestation, this is for you. 

Name a coming of age film where the main character is the one who has it all together. Is the hot and confident person usually the “main character” in these films? Isn’t a major theme in a coming of age story the main character envying the perfect person when in the end they come to realize who they are is just as beautiful? With the lovely traits I mentioned earlier that Lady Bird possessed, she was also socially awkward, struggled in school, was insecure about her family and felt stuck in her place in the world. Kayla Day in Bo Burnham’s Eighth Grade is painfully shy, hunched over, distracted and a victim to the cringe phase that is the eight grade. Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower is sensitive, emotional, exhausted and troubled by his past, need I go on. The artists who create these stories and shape a coming of age character are all chasing relatability.  The fact that these variety of characters are all awkward and imperfect and insecure and envious and confused show that we all in fact, are like that. I have to validate that the beautiful girls seated next to me in the coffee shop might feel just as imperfect, insecure and confused as I feel. If the main character were truly the girls we envy in coffee shops, school and social media, Lady Bird would be centered around the character Jenna, the pretty rich classmate who Lady Bird tries to impress. Booksmart would be about Triple A, the girl who never missed a beat in the party scene in high school yet still got into an ivy league college. If these adored films centered around these stories instead, Lady Bird would not be the profound film it is today and the coming of age genre would probably cease to exist. 

No matter how I act, how I look and what I wear, I am so much like Lady Bird and Julien on the inside, I feel that I, till this day, am EXACTLY like Kayla in Eighth Grade and I am so much like Amy and Molly in Booksmart. As enjoyable as this trend could be for people, I wish it emphasized that this is very much an internal thing. When you involve the aesthetics and mood boards, it gives the impression that this belief in your own self and confidence is decided by others when really, this is about you and your feelings and nothing else, plain and simple. Forget being a “main character” and focus on how you’re actually feeling. Are you doing these things for yourself or for others? It’s a personal process that we’re all going through, meaning we are all the main characters in our own story...period. No need to compare or level up, we all are created and wired differently, making our desires and insecurities different from all 7 billion people. I hope the girls in the coffee shop feel just as beautiful and important as they do on the outside.

 As for me, I’m thankful that I’m comfy in my sweatpants and scrunchie. As I’m so eager to learn the life story of these girls, I’m sure they’re wondering the same thing about me, the girl in the pajamas. We’re all the most crucial characters in our stories. All of our different problems count as problems. All of the girls, including Jenna, sitting in the classroom in the Catholic school in Lady Bird all have their own coming of age story, just the camera is focused on only one character. So relish in the embarrassment, embrace your crusty side, discover your beauty and continue on with your own unique story.