69: It Goes Both Ways
When I first started to explore my sexuality, receiving cunnilingus wasn’t an option. It just wasn’t. Looking back on it, from where I am now, I can confidently say that was because I knew absolutely nothing about it.
As a woman and a person with a vulva, I can think back to countless shows, movies, and songs that showcased what was pitched to me from the very beginning as something entirely essential to sex: blowjobs. On TV, it was everywhere: a girl crouched under the kitchen table giving her boyfriend head, a woman rising from her knees in an office space as her male co-worker hurriedly zips up his pants, that disoriented couple emerging from the bathroom at that crowded party, with only one of them hurriedly swiping at their lips. In most porn, it’s a staple; an awkward, less-than-realistic opening that leads to five to ten minutes of dick-worshipping before heading straight into intercourse. In sex-ed, oral sex was covered only briefly and only talked about oral sex being performed on people with penises.
Cunnilingus, on the other hand, was never made clear to me; it was never discussed, or showcased as a “normal” part of sex like blowjobs were. Dicks and lips went together like peanut butter and jelly; my vulva-doning best friend gave head for nearly three years without receiving anything in return. I remember scrolling through countless articles, looking to find my bearings, and finding titles from “How to Give the Perfect Blowjob” to “How to Give Him Oral Sex That Will Leave Him Begging For More”. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that; I was looking at those articles for a reason. But when I started to wonder what it would feel like on the receiving end, the resources grew much thinner. There was significantly less information on giving and receiving oral sex for people with vulvas.
Granted, this may have been because I wasn’t looking for it— in terms of giving or receiving— during the earlier days of my adolescent sexual awakening. This was because something about cunnilingus felt odd to me. Someone’s mouth? Down there? So close to everything? Absolutely not. What if I didn’t taste good? What if— somehow worse— I smelled? Those fears deterred me from asking, and thus I never received.
But what if their penis smelled or tasted funny? (Assuming they’re STI-free, but that’s a whole other can of worms.) I didn’t so much as bat an eyelash. Why? Cultural conditioning. Social norms. Stigma found in media and body standards that says pleasuring penises is “normal” and “natural,” while giving oral sex to people with vulvas isn’t. Penises are seen as “clean” while vaginas, for some reason, are not. No one’s expecting a dick to be baby-bald, smell like roses, and taste like freshly baked cookies— so why are those standards in place for vulvas? Now, this is not to say that partners with penises never want to go down on partners with vulvas, or even hold those unrealistic expectations. Rather, people may be less open to giving or receiving cunnilingus because of misinformation.
Think about most porn, for instance: shaved, waxed, “standard” vaginas and vulvas. On a screen, there are no smells. There are no tastes. “Hairy” is a category, and genital bleaching is practiced regularly. Not only does viewing this “standard issue” in porn create an unrealistic expectation for IRL sex, but it also creates an issue for people with vulvas feeling comfortable in their own skin. Every pair of privates, including vulvas, is different in appearance, scent, and taste. That is normal. But it isn’t what is projected in our culture. This stigma can make receiving oral sex feel awkward or embarrassing for anyone; it can make us feel so worried and self-conscious that we can’t even sit back and enjoy it, much less ask for it. As if that’s not sad enough, many partners with penises tend to view cunnilingus in the same light.
This ties directly into the issue of oral sex for people with vulvas not being wholly normalized. As I’ve mentioned previously, blowjobs are seen as a “rite of passage,” per se. It’s perceived as “normal” to go from making out to slobbing on their knob to having sex. It’s one-sided foreplay, depicted in countless movies and in adult media. Blowjobs are given their own segment, their own focus, while cunnilingus isn’t given the same treatment. It’s seen as a “treat,” as something special, as something more intimate, while blowjobs are seen as a staple sex act that’s not only necessary but expected. “Eating pussy” is often depicted as less than savory, special, or something that is reserved for same-sex couples. Which it isn’t.
This is more problematic because, more often than not, people with vulvas can’t always orgasm from penetration alone. Some other stimulation, whether that be manual, oral, or something else entirely, is needed to get from Point A to Point B. Even though sex is for pleasure rather than orgasm, it’s always pretty nice to get there at some point. Cunnilingus is not only a great way to achieve orgasm because it focuses on hyper-sensitive areas of the vulva, but also sets a killer mood and prepares for additional sex through foreplay.
Of course, not everyone wants to give or receive oral sex, regardless of what they have under their belt. That could be because of cultural stigma, or that could be because of reasons entirely personal to them. And that is entirely and wholly acceptable. Any intimate or sexual act requires freely given consent, and personal boundaries always need to be respected. If your partner has reservations about giving or receiving oral sex, listen to what their concerns are and respect them. That goes both ways.
If you are a person with a vulva and you’re curious about what it might be like on the receiving end of oral sex, I encourage you to talk to your partner. In a trusted relationship where all parties feel safe, it’s healthy for your sex life to be an open, ongoing discussion— both during and outside of sex. If your partner isn’t open to cunnilingus, you ultimately need to respect your partner's boundaries. However, it’s up to us to determine our own sexual boundaries and desires, as well as what is important to us in a sexual relationship.
Personally, it took me a while to become comfortable receiving oral sex, despise being comfortable giving it to my partner. I was often self-conscious, unsure, and hesitant to make myself vulnerable. In my experience, within a healthy relationship, I came to feel sexy, safe, and comfortable. It can be an empowering experience, as well as an intimate one.
While reservations need to be respected, sex is give and take. Respect goes both ways, and so does giving and receiving. The famous 69 (for the sake of this article) is and should be an accurate representation of sex as a whole, personalized and tailored to each individual relationship. Some sexual relationships don’t entail oral sex; some do. For those that do, mind the oral sex gap, and know that people with vulvas are deserving of time and pleasure too.