Love vs. Obsession: My Struggle With Codependency

illustration by Honey Simatupang

For the longest time, I didn’t have a word for it. All I knew was that every single one of my romantic relationships hit me like a truck, and along with that, my platonic relationships stressed me out and exhausted me to no end. I probably shouldn’t be talking in the past tense, as these are issues that I still struggle with regularly, but now I am more aware of these habits and can work on breaking them. Codependency, also known as “relationship addiction,” is defined as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one that requires support on account of illness or addiction,” and it looks different for everyone who struggles with it.

Different relationships in my life have brought out different levels of my codependent nature. I have had relationships that follow the above definition to a T, and I have had others in which those tendencies only surface every once in a while. While I was in my textbook-example-of-a-codependent relationship, I had no idea that what I was doing wasn’t healthy. My partner at the time was in the hospital for some medical issues, and I found that their problems weighed heavier on my mind than they likely did on theirs. Because I wasn’t able to see them in person, when I wasn’t texting or calling to check in on them, I would be spending every other moment thinking and worrying about them. I thought that this was a way to show that I cared about them, as if my constant anxiety wasn’t just “good” but necessary. 

Ever since I was little I was taught that love was supposed to be all-consuming; not only that, but that I should also be willing to give up parts of myself to gain or maintain it — after all, love is sacrifice . . . right?

These ideas are usually a byproduct of trauma that we have experienced during childhood, and I know a lot of my thoughts on relationships come from watching the adults around me as I grew up. Along with that, these thought processes aren’t usually countered by the media we consumed growing up. All those Disney movies I watched showed me that love was this easy and magical thing, and although it was sometimes painful, it was always worth it. I thought that helping people, through support or advice, was the best and most effective way for me to show my love--even if I had to give up my own happiness to do so. While I now know this isn’t true, even counterproductive in most cases, I still find it extremely difficult to do things like withhold advice, set boundaries, and prioritize my own needs. It has always seemed like I have the answers to everyone else’s problems, but never my own.

These issues have manifested in romantic relationships as well as platonic ones, causing me to feel trapped in relationships that cause me more harm than good because of my people-pleasing tendencies. These tendencies make it difficult to break off relationships once they have become unhealthy for fear of hurting the other person, even if they are becoming detrimental to my own mental health. If I am able to end the relationship, I am left with the feeling that I am a “bad person” for doing so, because my actions led to someone else’s feelings being hurt.

Sometimes we have to break off relationships, and doing so usually isn’t a straightforward process. I have had friends and partners who I loved and enjoyed spending time with, but over time, I grew to resent them, usually due to a lack of boundaries on both parts. Once these relationships ended, we didn’t speak to each other again.

 It is difficult to accept that some people will not like you, especially when they’re people you still care for. Even more than that, it is difficult to accept that some people won’t like you from the moment they meet you, no matter how kind or generous or cool you are. It has always been much easier for me to forego my own comfort and boundaries to cater to the needs of friends, partners, and family instead of my own; my needs have been reduced time and time again to prioritize those of others. If this sounds like you, it probably is--90% of Americans display codependent behaviors during their lifetimes--but that doesn’t mean that you’re a lost cause, even just being aware of these tendencies is the first step to correcting them.

There are a plethora of codependent characteristics, and they manifest themselves in different ways depending on the kind of person you are or what situation you’re in. Some major signs of codependency include having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others, feeling the need to “help” others--even if it harms you in the process, the fear of being alone, feeling guilty when setting boundaries, and so many more. There are plenty of resources online to help you identify your codependent tendencies, such as this quiz, along with many others. The tool that has helped me the most in navigating these issues has been therapy, which I would recommend to everyone, but I know it just isn’t possible for some people for a variety of reasons. Some other resources I would recommend are Co-dependents Anonymous (which isn’t for me due to religious influence but might be a perfect fit for someone else), books such as Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, or even just starting with recognizing these patterns and making an effort to spend more time alone and establish boundaries.

While plenty of people struggle with codependency (some of us more than others), it isn’t something that should just be ignored. I know that my journey working against my codependent nature is likely a lifelong one, and I also know that if I choose to push those issues aside they will only continue to grow. I am by no means an expert on codependency or trauma, but I think there is something to be said about the comfort we can find in simply putting a name to our issues and realizing that there are other “functional” people out there with the same struggles as ourselves.