Academic Abuse: The Abuse that Goes Unnoticed

“You’re studying too much.”

“It’s ridiculous that you spend more time doing your homework than you do with me.”

“If you can’t figure out a way to stop obsessing over work, then we’re done.”

These are just a few of the comments that I received from a past partner in regards to how dedicated I was, and proudly still am, to my studies. Back then, I found these comments normal, even endearing that someone wanted to spend so much time with me. But at what cost?

Abuse is a tricky subject. While it is often discussed in obvious terms, and therefore characterized as something as simple as black and white, abuse takes many shapes and forms, many of which we are not educated about.

When I present the term “academic abuse,” the first thing that comes to mind is perhaps the abuse of power by a teacher in a classroom. Or perhaps you think of a crazed student, seemingly obsessed with overachievement. However, academic abuse is far more scarring than either of these.

The Eagle defines academic abuse as occurring “when a perpetrator prevents a victim from receiving an education.” The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness asserts that this can manifest in many ways, including:

Preventing you from working on papers or studying for tests,
Saying you don’t love your partner if you spend time on work instead of spending time together,
Calling you at all hours, especially before tests and other important academic assignments,
Blaming you for poor grades,
Monitoring your behavior during class or taking all of the same classes as you,
Belittling your academic focus/choice,
Making fun of you for studying too much.

And while this website cites twelve different categories of abuse, academic abuse seems to be one of the most concise chapters. While abuse is already somewhat of a taboo subject, academic abuse seems to be an even more prohibited topic of discussion.

However, the lack of knowledge surrounding this topic certainly is not purposeful. Rather, our school systems are so preoccupied spreading awareness around “more harmful” forms of abuse, that academic abuse gets lost in the noise. Regardless, abuse is abuse, and any and every form of it deserves to have equal understanding.

The perils of academic abuse are vast. Like all forms of abuse, it aims to achieve one goal: control. This form of emotional abuse shames a victim into believing that their partner should come before any academic goals, taking an immense mental toll on the sufferer. Not only can it affect a victim’s self-esteem by convincing them that they are unworthy of a rich education, and subsequently a healthy amount of independence, but it also creates an anxious attachment between the victim and abuser due to a common ultimatum: if you can’t stop working, then we can’t be together.

If there is one thing that we can all agree on, it is that school is hard. For some, the most difficult goal that they will ever achieve is receiving a diploma. As young scholars, the last thing we need is someone who discourages our ambition, trying to tear it down.

Academic abuse is frightening, mainly because it can be hard to identify. In my case, my partner never actually took me away from my studies. Instead, they made me feel painfully guilty for being so dedicated to my work. They even went so far as to break up with me via text the night before my SATs, a test that I had been working towards for months. This kind of abuse teaches young victims early on that they must rely on their partners. There is a clear difference between asking your partner for more of their time and shaming them for spending it on their education.

Academics make us smarter, more competent, and more independent humans. When someone convinces you that your drive for school is shameful, it insinuates that you should not have a life outside of your abuser at all. Relationships are about growing together, pushing each other, and supporting one another’s goals. If you find yourself in a relationship where you become insecure about your prospective goals, it is surely not the relationship for you.

If you are experiencing academic abuse from your partner, it may be hard to hear, but they do not love you. Sabotaging someone’s potential is not love. Academic abusers seek to suppress a victim’s drive, manipulating them into believing that they do not deserve to achieve their academic goals. While my ex ended our relationship due to my heightened academic goals, I am actually grateful for his actions. While the endurance of abuse by no means determines a victim’s strength, I can firmly say that his actions taught me a significant lesson in love: I cannot properly support any partner that does not properly support me.

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