Apparently I Need to Remind Everyone That Celebrities Aren’t Going to Date You Anyway
CW: Extreme transphobia
A few weeks ago, I was informed via a group message that Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles were dating. “How do we feel about this?” was the general question.
On the internet, “Bad” seemed to be the general answer.
According to Metro, fans of Styles and Wilde alike bemoaned the relationship’s age gap, possible professional misconduct between Wilde (as a director) and Styles (as an actor) in their upcoming film, and allegedly wrecking Wilde’s previous marriage with Jason Sudeikis (which has been deemed false by various anonymous sources, according to Cosmopolitan).
After Olivia Wilde received thousands of abusive messages on her social media, she started limiting comments. This caused reporters from Buzzfeed and Metro to take notice of the blatant sexism she was facing.
“God, are we all that bitter we can’t look at a couple and just think, ‘dang, that is one fine-looking couple’ and move on with our day…?” Mel Evans wrote.
As Evans and others have pointed out, this is not the first time women took the fall for a universally hated relationship. (And unfortunately, it probably won’t be the last.) Styles fans almost certainly remember the infamous “Haylor” hate from a decade ago. When Taylor Swift and Harry Styles started dating, fans immediately jumped to express their immediate disgust of the relationship. While the remnants of this movement seem to be largely lost outside some documentation from smaller outlets, I can almost perfectly recall the time #haylorisbullshit started trending. I remember fans screaming at Taylor to leave Harry alone, accusing her of using Harry for song lyrics, and raging at One Direction’s “management” for creating this “publicity stunt” relationship.
In my experience as a previous Directioner and “Harry girl” (I’m so sorry), most of Harry Styles’ exes have faced criticism in some way or another. Before I fell in love with Cara DeLevigne, I hated her for possibly “stealing” Harry. I remember the huge backlash against his fling with Kendall Jenner. I stopped keeping up with him after 2015, but apparently there was harassment against Camille Rowe when fans started to learn about their relationship as well. And every single time, this backlash was directed towards (you guessed it!) the women!
While reporting on Rowe and Styles, TeenVogue perfectly comments, “it's no surprise the two kept whatever relationship they had mostly under wraps.”
It’s not difficult to understand that fans are possessive over their favorite artists. However, on the surface, it might be difficult to understand why Harry’s fans are so much more vicious about their icon’s romantic life than fans of Ed Sheeran or Lady Gaga or Billie Eilish. And unfortunately, the answer seems to largely lie in Harry’s looks.
This isn’t to say that Sheeran or Gaga or Eilish aren’t beautiful. All of the celebrities I’ve listed are gorgeous, but they’re not usually known for marketing themselves in a sexual way. Styles, on the other hand, is widely deemed as one of the “sexiest” men in the Western world. While he is certainly talented, it would be naïve to pretend like his appearance isn’t a huge draw for his audience. It also doesn’t help that a large number of Styles’ fanbase have “grown up” with him long before he started dating celebrities and can vaguely remember what it was like to idolize Styles when he was somewhat attainable.
Harry Styles’ base clearly shows how fan behavior changes when sex appeal is a large part of a celebrity’s success. Because their support is somewhat rooted in their attraction, they may feel betrayed when Styles shows attraction to someone else. In exchange for their admiration, these fans seem to think that they gain some ownership over Styles’ relationships. Logically, they may know that they can never date their “celebrity crush,” but irrationally, they still feel possessive.
It’s okay to have emotions! A fan shouldn’t feel ashamed of feeling possessive over faraway celebrities. But if they feel themselves start to act on those feelings (like, uh, leaving thousands of hate comments on Olivia Wilde’s Instagram), that’s where it becomes a problem.
We’ve seen the horrific harassment that Harry Styles’ exes have faced, but the ugliness doesn’t stop at sexism. Last year, Elliot Page came out as trans with he/they pronouns. From what I could tell, most LGBTQ+ folks seemed overwhelmingly supportive. The trans community welcomed him enthusiastically, bisexuals largely joked about how our crushes remained unchanging, and most lesbians, gays, and otherwise Queer people congratulated Elliot Page for their bravery.
However, some trans-exclusionary radical feminist (TERF) lesbians felt differently. In a video about the situation, lesbian YouTuber Arielle Scarcella made a horrific statement about how she and other like-minded people “lost another lesbian.”
Nonbinary YouTuber CopsHateMoe calls out Scarcella’s behavior by stating:
“You haven’t ‘lost another lesbian.’ Elliot has come out, so he can finally live and express himself for who he truly is. How dare you make someone else’s coming out about you? Someone coming out should never be a loss. If you have a problem with someone’s happiness and identity, that is on you, my friend.”
I definitely understand that the connection an LGBTQ+ fan feels with an LGBTQ+ celebrity is different from a connection between a straight fan and their favorite celebrity. There’s a level of representation there that is deeper than simple admiration.
However, while lesbian representation is certainly scarce in mainstream media, nonbinary and trans representation is even more scarce. As a lesbian, Scarcella should have the empathy to understand that coming out as a member of any LGBTQ+ group should always be treated as a celebration. After all, I wouldn’t react badly towards someone who came out as lesbian after previously identifying as bisexual (despite being bi myself), and I would never, ever say my community was “losing another bisexual.”
I believe that Scarcella’s transphobia might genuinely revolve around a fear of losing lesbian representation (which, just to reiterate, still doesn’t excuse her behavior). At the same time, I can’t help but feel as though her criticism is rooted in the same possessiveness shown in many Harry Styles’ fans. While Scarcella herself does not seem to have a history of crushing on Elliot Page, her opinions seem to reflect those of like-minded fans who did admire Page’s sex appeal.
For example, under one of Scarcella’s transphobic tweets regarding Elliot Page, a supporter deadnamed Page and left this extremely hurtful comment:
Similarly, on the extremely transphobic website Ovarit, someone deadnamed and misgendered Page while complaining:
“Every young lesbian who had a crush on [him] will now know they had a crush on a straight male the entire time. If they say otherwise they’re disgusting genital fetishists.”
(Reminder that complimenting a trans person’s attractive appearance before their transition is very triggering, but in the context of this article, I need to use such context to explain this behavior.)
From these comments, it’s obvious that Elliot Page’s previous status as a “lesbian crush” is relevant in the backlash against their coming out. In my opinion, many TERF lesbians who are upset at Page’s announcement are angry that their investment of attraction in Page has seemingly reached a dead end. Their fantasy of ending up with him is no longer plausible.
Logically, of course, it wasn’t plausible even before his coming out, because he was married to Emma Portner. However, now even in their fantasies, they can no longer imagine themselves with him. And this possessiveness brings forth a type of entitlement and transphobia that was already present but is now obvious, visible, and actively harmful towards those that have to see it.
To Arielle Scarcella and other TERF lesbians: Elliot Page’s coming out is not about you. Fuck. Off.
To Harry fans leaving sexist comments all over his girlfriends’ social media: stop attacking women for daring to date Harry Styles.
And to fans who are possessive over their Jonases and Arianas and Toms: feel free to fantasize. But once you start acting on this possessive entitlement, take a serious look in the mirror, and remember:
They were never going to date you anyway.