Cool Girl Syndrome — Unpublished

"Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don't mind, I'm the Cool Girl."

Taken from the film “Gone Girl,” the above quote is just a smaller piece of the famous “Cool Girl” monologue that perfectly encompasses the concept of Cool Girl Syndrome. The “cool girl” persona is so easy for women to fall into, especially when they find themselves in heterosexual relationships--that being said, I will be using heteronormative language in this article because the “cool girl” is an idealized version of women made by men for men.

From a young age, girls are taught that other girls are the enemy; this is evident when you look at literally any Disney Channel Original movie that came out pre-2013. Not only are other girls the enemy, but they are also trying to steal the “cool girl’s” love interest (not to mention that finding love is almost always the main focus of these movies). We see this feud play out in Camp Rock, High School Musical, and so many more, with the protagonist always standing out as being “not like other girls” in one way or another.

The way girls are pitted against each other in the media, especially with the antagonist usually playing the “girly girl,” cultivates a lot of internalized misogyny for young girls--and thus, the “cool girl” is created. In addition to all that, I--along with so many others--was a product of the insidious late-2000s Tumblr culture, which produced graphics such as this one:

I’ve seen these types of images being mocked recently as the “pick me” girl trope has gained more attention, but these images were originally completely unironic. I think so many young women see the “pick me” girls and cringe internally because we can see bits of ourselves in the things that they are doing. They are so obviously vying for male attention that it is embarrassing to us, they are breaking an unspoken social contract that states that our desire for male validation should be hidden. But, because of the culture we have grown up in, this is something that most heterosexual women take part in at some point or another, it just isn’t always as obvious. I feel quite frustrated when I see men making fun of “pick me” girls without acknowledging the fact that they exist because of men and the standards they’ve set for us.

The “Cool Girl” is just another iteration of the “pick me” girl, but she doesn’t really exist outside of male fantasies. Youtuber Madisyn Brown states that “We see this in media and think this is what men want,” making examples of Megan Fox in Transformers and Mary in There’s Something About Mary--both of which are movies that are directed, produced, and written by a team consisting entirely of men. Media like this teaches girls from a young age that

1. Getting a man to like you is the ultimate goal

2. To do this, you must be as low-maintenance as physically possible (while simultaneously being very hot).

So what exactly is “Cool Girl Syndrome”? It is a mindset that is very easy for women, especially young girls, to fall into when they’re dating men. Because we’ve been conditioned from such a young age, we come to believe that what men want is someone who is “chill.” In relationships the “cool girl” never makes conflict (even if it is warranted), she never puts pressure on her boyfriend, she doesn’t care how long it takes for him to text back, and she could never be considered “needy” or “clingy.” In other words, she has no boundaries and she pushes her own needs and desires aside because she doesn’t want the guy she’s interested in to reject her.

On the Podcast, Kinda Dating, the hosts give the example of telling the guy you’re seeing that you want a casual relationship, even when you don’t, just because he told you that he wanted one. Instead of being upfront and telling him you’re looking for something more serious, you stay quiet and play it cool in the hopes that he will eventually come around to wanting a monogamous relationship with you. Obviously, it is possible for both parties to genuinely want a casual relationship, but the only way to know that is to communicate honestly with your partner. Situations like this tend to end with one person getting hurt because they didn’t express their true intentions and the other being completely fine because they did.

Playing the “dating game” is another way in which falling into “cool girl” syndrome is almost inevitable. Growing up I was always told that “men love the chase,” and to keep them interested, I had to act as if I wasn’t. In reality, it makes no sense, if you like someone and they like you it is just easier for everyone if you both communicate honestly with each other. Despite this, I have friends asking me how long they should wait before they text a guy back and I’ve felt tempted to tell people I’ve dated that I’m busy (even if I’m not) to make them want me more. It is hard to unlearn the idea of treating dating as a game, because when you stop doing that you’re required to be vulnerable and it is easier to get hurt--a cool girl would never show someone she has her own thoughts and feelings!

In reality, the “cool girl” puts up with a lot of shit when it comes to romance, usually due to a lack of self-esteem. She convinces herself that the guy she’s with is the best she can get, so she ignores all the red flags and tries to be the most chill girlfriend she can be. It takes a lot of work to admit that if somebody isn’t willing to respect your boundaries and care for you in the way you need to be cared for, then they aren’t the person for you. It is so easy to talk yourself into staying with someone who is a sub-par, or even abusive, partner because “it isn’t bad all the time.” You convince yourself that this person is “perfect” because he’s kind, loyal, etc., but those things are the bare minimum. It shouldn’t be cool to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of someone else’s comfort, especially if that person doesn’t respect you.