Private, Not Secret: Is Your Partner Protecting or Concealing Your Connection?

The “private, not secret” trope is one that I’ve encountered across numerous social media platforms, gaining a formal title from our fellow label-obsessed TikTok users. We’ve all seen this privately braggadocious post before: a consciously staged picture of two individuals who, while still managing to keep each other’s identities a secret, still manage to look madly in love. Perhaps a tender (manicured) hand is placed over the other person’s face. Or maybe an iPhone is strategically concealing someone’s identity in a mirror selfie. It’s often captioned something exponentially sappy, such as “my sun, my moon, and my stars.” 

It’s genius, really. Posts like these allow the user to announce that they are happy, without letting the endless depths of the internet know too much. And we do exactly this on social media every day- let our followers think they know us when really they just get a slice of the full pie.

We do this when we take sexy vacation pics, but our grumpy little cousin is actually behind the lens complaining. Or even when we post a picture with a frenemy that was just too flattering to keep in our camera rolls, forcing us to pose like besties for the world to gawk at. We share our picture-perfect moments of happiness, while purposely leaving out the entire narrative. 

If you choose to go the “private, not secret” route, you’re just using social media for its intended purpose: showing people you have a life without exposing too much of it. So the mystery surrounding that ever-so-elusive significant other is not only a tasteful approach to dating in the digital age but good cyber etiquette. 

Whether we like to admit it or not, it’s just as important to claim your partner in the physical world as it is in the digital one, no matter how that looks for the two of you. If you agree to keep each other off of the feeds entirely, an Instagram story here or there is the perfect way to maintain your privacy, while still publicly claiming one another. Or, if you want to maintain even more privacy, the subtle art of commenting under each other’s pictures is the perfect way to tell those thirsty people in your DM’s that you’re off the market. I’m not saying that their name has to be in your bio with a lock and key, but the reality is that a digital claim on your partner, in one fashion or another, is imperative to a thriving relationship between two people with their online presences.

If you’re anything like me, your Instagram page is not only a well-curated digital diary but an aesthetically pleasing highlight reel. Your Instagram is your social resume. People look at it, make assumptions about you based off of it, and eventually conclude that they know you. Your Instagram introduces yourself before you do, so it’s no surprise that we are all a bit more cautious than we’d like to admit about our social media presence. It’s also why we’re so careful about who and what we choose to include in our ever so meticulous online personas.

I recently saw a TikTok of a young woman explaining why she would never post her significant other on her Instagram page, even in marriage. Now, while our fellow Generation Z comrades have a history of hyperbolizing, this young lady seemed almost alarmingly serious. 

She asserted that because she’s spent most of her adult life centering her social media identity around being “hot, fun, and single”, she refuses to give that all up for a man.

While a tad bit dramatic, I understand where she’s coming from. Announcing a significant other to the world, or your few thousand followers that may seem like the world, is detrimental to the image that you’ve created for yourself. However, completely dismissing your partner online implies that they have no part in your life, not even in the happy moments. 

It’s when your partner completely disregards your online existence that you may have a problem on your hands. Suddenly, the relationship shifts from “private, not secret” to “shhh...keep quiet”. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, or perhaps I just take social media entirely too seriously. 

In our digital age, it is perfectly okay to keep your relationship private. But are you keeping your relationship private, or the fact that you’re no longer single? By keeping you off of their socials, whether that be refraining from commenting, posting you, or liking your latest posts, your partner gets the best of both worlds: your loyalty and the attention of other suitors.

That being said, I’m all for the statement, “what people don’t know, they can’t ruin.” Perhaps your past experiences have led you to believe that three’s a crowd between you, your partner, and social media. But think of the social media reveal, in any way that the two of you find fit, like insurance. A comment or story now and then wards off anyone who might perceive you as single. 

If you’ve concluded that you are indeed being hidden from the prying eyes of your partner’s followers, remember that it has nothing to do with you or your worth. It’s not that they don’t want to be seen with you, but that they don’t want to be seen with anyone. Social media allows us to get in touch with anyone at any time. And some people just refuse to give that up, even when the real prize is right in front of them. 

On the off chance that my fellow reader is the one doing the hiding, knock it off!