Coping With Your Attachment Style
illustration by Beyza Durmuş
One late morning this past summer I was curled up in my friend’s kitchen, scrolling through Instagram while clutching the mug of coffee she had just made for me. As I was scrolling, I happened to stumble upon a post dedicated to the four different attachment styles. At the time, I didn’t know anything about them other than the fact that you could take a quiz that put you into one of the four categories, and I’m a sucker for that kind of stuff.
I nudged my friend and showed her the post, asking her what she knew about attachment styles, which also ended up being nothing. We both pulled up the first online quiz we saw and filled it out as fast as possible. My results ended up being mostly anxious attachment, while hers came up as mainly avoidant attachment. Neither of those sound particularly pleasant, but becoming acquainted with my own attachment style has had a much bigger impact on my relationships than I ever thought it would.
First of all, I learned that there are four different types of attachment:
Avoidant Attachment: This attachment style is one that I’ve seen being talked about more and more by our generation on apps like Tiktok and Instagram. Characterized by a distrust for others, discomfort with intimacy, and a need for independence, people with this attachment style tend to push against the idea of even having a relationship due to their fear of being vulnerable.
Anxious Attachment: With this being my own personal attachment style, it is the one that I have come to know the best over these past few months. This style is characterized by the constant need for reassurance within relationships, fear of abandonment or rejection, and low-self esteem. People that struggle with this attachment style are often labelled as “clingy” by others, and can also struggle with anxiety in other areas of their lives.
Fearful Attachment: This style is a combination of characteristics found in both the anxious and the avoidant categories in that they crave a relationship in which they will feel secure and happy, but they also have a need for independence and tend to have difficulties with trusting or being vulnerable with their partner. These people struggle with conflicting emotions that mainly consist of the desire to be close with their partner along with the fear of the consequences that might come along with being vulnerable and intimate.
Secure Attachment: The people that fall into this category have it all figured out, and the rest of us kind of hate them for it. These people are completely confident within themselves, it is easy for them to communicate and set boundaries, and they know how they deserve to be treated within their relationships. They are, essentially, what all of us aspire to be.
I encourage everyone reading this to take an attachment style quiz if you haven’t already - knowing that you aren’t alone with the emotions you feel in your relationships is always a good feeling, and it’s a great way to learn more about yourself in general.
Right after I got my quiz results, I didn’t think much of them. I resonated with a lot of the characteristics being described, but I wasn’t in a relationship at the time and it just didn’t seem all that important.
That was until, maybe a month or so later, I met someone who I would eventually be in a relationship with, and that’s when being more aware of my attachment style became extremely valuable to me.
After going on a handful of dates with this guy, I knew that I was interested in him, but I also knew that I was about to leave town for almost two weeks with my family. Immediately after I left town, my mind built up an entire story around my worst-case-scenario. My thoughts were spiraling - I couldn’t help but feel like he was going to find someone new in the time that I was gone, and when I finally did come home he would’ve forgotten all about me. When I look back on these thoughts they seem pretty ridiculous, but at the time, my anxiety was very real.
After stewing in my anxiety for a few days, my thoughts wandered back to that attachment style quiz that I had taken a month before, and it immediately brought me relief. This was exactly what all those articles and quizzes had been talking about when they told me I had anxious attachment, and I was witnessing it first-hand... So now what do I do about it?
The main goal when looking at your attachment style is to figure out how to become more secure within yourself, which will in turn make you more secure within your relationships. The majority of the time, your attachment style is a result of the amount of affection and attention you received as a child, but it can also be affected by different relationship experiences you have had as an adult. Trying to fix trauma like that, especially childhood trauma, doesn’t happen without tools such as therapy and/or medication, and it definitely doesn’t happen overnight. Despite this, there are definitely ways you can try to work towards having more stable relationships on your own - but if you notice that you’re really struggling it’s always best to seek professional guidance.
1. Look for a secure partner
My first tip applies to those of us who identify with any of the three “negative” attachment styles, and that is to look for a partner who leans more towards the secure end of the spectrum. It sounds easier than it actually is, but it just takes being honest with yourself about the people you’re dating as well as knowing what you’re looking for in a relationship. Are they able to communicate with you without either emotionally manipulating you or feeling guilty for speaking their mind? Are they able to set boundaries for themselves and express any disagreements they might have with you politely? These are all things to keep in mind when you start dating new people, and it has always helped me to keep a list of all the things that I’m looking for in my relationships vs. red flags to watch out for.
2. Stop the spiral
When you feel your thoughts start to spiral out of control, try to think rationally about whatever situation you are finding yourself in. Something that always helps me is to imagine the worst case scenario, the best case scenario, and the most realistic scenario. In a way, lining all of these ideas up side-by-side helps me rationalize my thoughts and it also makes me feel prepared for whatever is about to happen. The person you’re texting is probably in the middle of doing something else, they’re not intentionally ignoring you - or going on a second date doesn’t automatically mean that you have to share your life story with them. It sounds easier than it actually is, but simply identifying anxious thoughts as they’re happening can significantly improve the ways in which you view your relationships.
3. For Those Who Are Avoidant: Baby Steps
Your need for independence paired with your anxiety about opening up to people likely stems from something in your past, and things like that are hard to get over quickly. Taking the small steps to actively share your thoughts and feelings with others, while it might sound like torture, is exactly what you need to do in order to grow into a more secure version of yourself. Maybe start off with keeping a journal or video diary - writing or talking to yourself will help you practice expressing your emotions without feeling judged. After you get comfortable with that, maybe pick a close friend or family member that you trust to open up to a little bit more every time you see them.
4. For Those Who Are Anxious: Trust Your Feelings, But Not Too Much
When I say that, I mean you should trust your gut when it comes to looking at the way your partner might be treating you, but you should also work to differentiate between anxiety and real danger. Feeling anxious about things like the punctuation they used in their last text to you or second-guessing their feelings for you are usually irrational fears. On the other hand, if you are with someone who says or does things that hurt your feelings, trust your gut in knowing that this person isn’t right for you. I’ve been in many relationships where I stayed with someone who was repeatedly mean to me despite my efforts at communicating my feelings, and I have learned that if someone truly cares about you, they would never intentionally say or do anything to hurt you. One way I look at these situations is, whenever someone says or does something that hurts my feelings, I ask myself if I would have ever said or done the same to them. If the answer is no, that should give you enough insight on how to move forward with the relationship.
5. For Those Who Are Fearful: Protect Yourself, But Also Protect Those Who You Care About
Oftentimes you react quickly to situations, whether it be opening up to someone or running away from them. You probably need to take more time to think about how you’re actually feeling before making hasty decisions that you’ll likely regret later. When it comes to opening up to people, try to move slowly so that you don’t get overwhelmed with anxiety and try to push them away. When you do feel that anxiety, try not to react so quickly. Instead, maybe sit with those thoughts for a couple days, even a week. Try to rationally think about why you’re feeling the way that you are, and over time, work to set boundaries in your relationships that work with your attachment style. While nobody is required to follow your boundaries, those who do are the ones who obviously care enough about you to stay in your life.
Having an attachment style other than “secure” doesn’t mean that you’re broken, and it definitely doesn’t mean that you are incapable of having healthy and happy relationships. Learning more about yourself through your attachment style is a great way to challenge yourself within your relationships, and begin to grow into the best version of “you” that you can be.
Sources
Cho, Karin. “The Four Different Attachment Styles.” Medium, 7 Oct. 2019, medium.com/invisible-illness/the-four-different-attachment-styles-b711d01c19ec.
Martin, Sharon, LCSW. “What Is an Avoidant Attachment Style and How Can I Change It?” Psych Central, 21 Feb. 2018, blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/03/avoidant-attachment-style-change.
Laclocky, Meghan. “How to Stop Attachment Insecurity from Ruining Your Love Life.” Greater Good, 13 Feb. 2014, greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_attachment_insecurity_from_ruining_your_love_life.