Don’t Settle For Fear of Being Alone

One of the greatest detriments that we can self-inflict on our love life is settling for fear of being alone—staying in a relationship that doesn’t stimulate us, whether that’s sexually, emotionally or mentally. Sometimes we can pinpoint why exactly we do this: past trauma, a pressure to find “the one,” an urgency to get married, an itching affinity for physical affection or even a weariness toward trying to date in our increasingly digital society. A lot of times, though, we find ourselves settling because it’s safe—because we desire to feel loved. 

Trust me, I know that desire well. I’ve spent my fair share of time swooning over steamy romance novels and getting way too invested in soppy rom-coms. What we see on the screen, what we read, what we dream love can be—we want it. And that drive to finally have it is unbelievably powerful. 

And then we find ourselves in a relationship with someone we love. Deeply. Truly. It doesn’t feel like “settling” at first—it feels real. But then you start to realize that you’re not happy—not really. Maybe just comfortable, or familiar. Maybe you start to fight more than you make love. Maybe you fight, and you don’t really know what you’re fighting for. Maybe you’re hoping that they’ll say something unforgivable, do something unforgivable, so you’ll have an excuse to walk away. Because even though you love them, they’re not what you need. Because even though they aren’t what you need—even though you’ll wonder, day by day, if they’ll ever be better, do better—you settle. Because it’s better than being alone. 

And just because you’re afraid, that can’t be the only reason you stay. 

It isn’t fair to you, and it isn’t fair to your partner. It wouldn’t feel good to hear your partner admit that they were settling for you, after all. That they were only sleeping with you because they can’t stomach the thought of falling asleep alone—that they rave to you about their exciting news only because they don’t have anyone else to share it with. That they don’t see sparks when you kiss, or don’t feel a wash of comfort when they see for the first time in weeks. “Settling” doesn’t have a victor; both parties suffer. And both deserve to love and be loved to the greatest extent. Neither deserves to settle or be settled for.

But in order to find love—with someone you’re crazy about, with someone who you will fall deeper in love with everyday—you can’t be afraid to wait for them. You can’t be afraid to be alone until they arrive. Romantic solitude is temporary, and there’s no set age that you need to settle down—no true and real pressure to search the crowds for your one and only. In your time spent single, you’ll be happier, freer and ready to embrace that love when it comes along. 

Another important thing to keep in mind is that love is not exclusive to romantic relationships. Love extends to family and friends, whose support can never be undervalued. It can be really difficult to think about life without your current partner—even if you know they can’t be more than temporary. And it can be even more difficult to cope with the fact that you won’t be romantically attended to for some time. But platonic love, familial love is just as strong; leaving a dying relationship can even help you focus more on those ties, so they are even stronger when you’re ready to give romance another go. 

But above all, when trying to make the decision between settling and starting anew, remember to love yourself. It’s nearly impossible to love someone else—to love someone else wholly and properly—if you don't love yourself. Love yourself enough to abandon the idea of settling. Love yourself enough to let them go, to trust yourself to be okay on your own—even if it’s just for a little while. Love yourself enough to let go of the regret, to release yourself from subpar dependency. A relationship is not strong when its crumbling. It is not “fine” when it makes you cry. It is not “good enough” to feel like you’re missing out whenever you see a couple laughing or holding hands. 

Being alone is temporary. And if you’re guttering out in a mundane relationship, I implore you to take the plunge. Because you will find someone someday who will make you happy—who you will make happy. But you’ll never be able to find them if you settle for the wrong person.