Holding Steadfast in Our Need for Healing
“I forgive you.”
These words are not so easily uttered when we’ve been disrespected in a relationship. Whether it’s a pattern of events, a downright wrongdoing, or a general misunderstanding; forgiveness is not always quite simple.
Thinking back to the very beginning of my cognizant childhood memory, I was never provided with an apology when my parents made me cry or think lowly of myself. “Sorry” just wasn’t in the house vocabulary, or at least not when it came to conflict resolution and emotional maturity.
Given the circumstances, approaching the concept of forgiveness did not seem within arms reach. The opportunity hadn’t presented itself until I attempted to move beyond anger -- undertaking their perspectives and lived experiences -- to better understand why anyone might treat another person questionably.
Locating reasons and understanding others’ intentions are not a replacement for an apology, and an apology isn’t necessary for forgiveness. You can forgive someone else by finding peace within yourself, and finding ways to progress past the hurt. This is not to say forgiveness is required for healing… I’ve simply found it as a useful (albeit complex) tool in the process.
Mistreatment is never deserved. Our romantic partners could lash out in conversation or project an internal issue through betrayals of trust, and we are left with a choice. Either we can provide a space to be heard, cared for, and supported (so long as we are treated the same), or we can take space from the situation (temporarily or ultimately).
Most of the time, others’ behavior may have nothing to do with us. But just because we understand someone else’s turmoil does not make it any less hurtful, and especially in relationship with loved ones. There comes a questioning of the self and a mistrust of intuition when trust has been betrayed, even if only for a moment.
So when forgiveness is concluded and relayed, it does not vanish the experience of hurt. It is reasonable to move forward with the situation in mind, and it can be used as a valid talking point -- as it will always be a checkpoint of some sort in the connection.
That reflection can induce further healing, and forgiveness ultimately cultivates growth within the dynamic of two people.
At times, a wound may sit so deep in our hearts that a conclusion simply cannot be reached, regardless of how much we want one.
To abandon the self in those moments and choose a particular path out of fear is bound to foster resentment. To say we forgive someone when our hearts aren’t following suit is self sabotage at best.
In this scenario, the idea of forgiveness and moving beyond a situation would be riddled with discontent. Bitterness, cynicism, and acrimony are not the ideal results of forgiveness, but we can sometimes trick ourselves into believing we will be okay with our plight when it’s everything but.
Forgiveness accepts that someone was doing the best they could.
The ego would prefer to denote others’ actions to what we could’ve done wrong or differently if given another chance. Despite this assumption, a projection of pain more than likely has nothing to do with you. Even more unfortunately, there won’t be another chance, and each person was doing the best they could with the tools they had available.
Removing our egotistical expectations grants a sense of universal peace with conflict.
Ridding ourselves of self-important suppositions nudges the mind closer, still, to forgiveness as a concept.
It applies to how we interpret others and move forward (or leave behind) certain relationships, and it does not exist as a solely transactional experience. It is a step in healing where we can fully let go -- acknowledgement, affirmations, and amnesty for the hurt.
This thought process is equally applicable and reflective of the self.
There’s a sort of periodic check-in that can aid our mental state when it comes to genuine and supportive connections. Like, “how am I feeling around this person lately?” and “are my boundaries being respected and are my needs reciprocally tended to?”
The same goes for our relationship with ourselves.
I recall a scenario from four years ago where I kept a secret from a loved one because I was afraid of losing them. I chose dishonesty because I didn’t want to lose access to that person, which was ultimately disrespectful and inconsiderate of their needs. Every time I said I loved them, I was actively operating against a healthy version of that statement.
I knew that I could forgive myself if I wanted to, but it was one of the most difficult conclusions I’ve come to in the past quarter of my life.
Past versions of ourselves deserve the space to grow, and we owe it to have an inner dialogue that embraces acceptance. We don’t need to agree with our choices at all times in order to forgive the parts of our identity that caused them. Nor do we need to forget our (or other people’s) actions in order to forgive them.
The process isn’t necessarily straightforward. There are situations that I haven’t quite addressed yet within myself, and I can’t say for sure how and when I might forgive those scenarios. What I know is, we each deserve peace of mind.
Forgiveness is a reckoning of perception, and it is as liberating as we allow it to be. There is no set timeline of how you must experience healing from any perspective -- but commitment to the concept appears essential.