The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating

illustration by Emma Baynes

As someone who has been using dating apps on and off for the last four years of my life, I have found that there is an art to online dating. I’ve heard countless people complain that dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge are only for hookups, but considering my current and last two relationships have stemmed from Tinder, I’m here to tell you that it is completely possible to form real relationships on these apps--you just have to know what you’re doing. 

Building an Authentic Profile

Profile Pictures

There are certain things you should definitely do when it comes to profile pictures, but there are also plenty of things to avoid. My first do concerning profile pictures is that you should try to have at least two photos of you smiling; I’m guilty of never smiling in a lot of my photos, but if you’re smizing in all of your pictures you’re going to seem a lot less friendly and approachable. A major don’t for me is using too many filters or Facetuning your pictures. I’ve heard plenty of stories from my friends about going to meet someone from a dating app who looks nothing like their profile pictures--filters are designed to make you look better than you actually do, foregoing them shows your matches that you’re both honest and confident in how you present yourself.

You should also try to show some of your personality through your pictures, which can mean photos of you doing your favorite hobbies or even some pictures that show your sense of humor (but you should avoid using screenshotted memes from Twitter, in this case). I always try to avoid more than one group photo, and I also try to avoid selfies when I can help it. Group pictures can confuse people, and profiles full of exclusively selfies can come across as vain. Try to have some of your friends take pictures for you, or when in doubt, just use your camera’s self-timer for a more natural-looking photo.

Bios

Writing the perfect bio is probably the most difficult part of dating apps, you want it to be short and sweet but you also want to show your interests and personality in the process. Do NOT just list off your hobbies and interests and don’t write a full paragraph about yourself--these leave no room for your match to get to know you through an actual conversation. Your bio should say a little bit about yourself while also giving your match a conversation starter, this could be anything from “tell me your favorite (book, movie, band, etc.)” to “looking for someone who is as passionate about (blank) as I am.” Your hobby or interest of choice should consist of one sentence, leaving another sentence for showing some aspect of your personality, which could be a fun fact, a joke about yourself, etc. Just try to avoid any sort of negativity in your bio, this is supposed to showcase your most appealing attributes and nobody wants to match with someone who comes across as negative or abrasive.

In addition to that, oftentimes, dating apps will give you space to showcase your career or education, which I think is great, but you need to remember that everyone on the app can see that information, regardless of whether or not you match with them. Only share what you’re comfortable with sharing; I personally never share my workplace and instead just put my work title to avoid messages like, “I’ll come to visit you at work!” from people I have never met before (creepy, but it has happened multiple times).

First Messages and Conversations

Matching

Before I get into discussing actually talking to people, I first want to emphasize that you should know what you want when you’re going into online dating. Whether you want a long-term relationship, a hookup, or something in-between, you should always be honest with your match about what you’re looking for. Along with that, you should always try to be selective about who you swipe right on. I would always ask myself: “If this person asked me on a date, would I say yes?” If the answer is no, don’t swipe right.

Conversations

When going about talking to matches on dating apps, I have a few personal guidelines I like to follow. If I am sending the first message to someone, I always ask them a question or bring up something I liked from their profile; never just message someone, “Hey,” it’s lazy. If someone messages me, I like to see the same effort extended from them; if someone’s first message to you consists of one word, chances are they sent that same message to all their other matches.

Once you’ve started your first texting conversation, I always try to keep it relatively short, consisting of a few topics like music, hobbies, school, etc. Your first conversation is just to make sure that you’re compatible with each other (and that they aren’t creepy or weird), so it shouldn’t last too long and you shouldn’t be sharing every single detail about yourself--save it for the first date. I also try to avoid swapping Snapchats or phone numbers before the first date to ensure minimal communication beforehand, you’re looking for a relationship, not a texting buddy.

I always look out for red flags within my initial conversation as well, with some of my main ones being: if I feel like I’m doing all the work to keep the conversation flowing, if my match asks me on a date before even talking to me, if they share a little too much personal information, or if they say anything weird and/or sexual. If none of those things pop up (or anything else that makes me wary of them), I’ll usually ask them out on a date if they don’t do so first.

Date Proposals

Let’s say one of your matches asks you out, but you’re not feeling it. Considering you haven’t met in person yet, you really don’t owe them anything. You can either simply not respond to them, or you can just tell them that you don’t want to go on a date with them. Now, let’s say someone you’re interested in asks you on a date (or vice versa), I always have a few rules I keep in mind when setting the date up. You should always meet them somewhere public, my personal favorite is a coffee shop. You should also make sure that you’re able to have an actual conversation with them, so don’t go to a concert or movie right off the bat. Also, never agree to a second location when they propose the date--if they want dinner and a movie, but during dinner you realize you hate them, it is going to be a lot harder to get out of the date. I also personally avoid going out to dinner on the first date, I just think it is a bit too formal and I also don’t want to deal with the issue of who’s-paying-for-what.

The First Date!

Reducing Nervousness

First dates can be anxiety-inducing, especially if you haven’t been on very many of them. One thing that always calmed me down was just avoiding framing the date as: “Do they like me?” instead, asking “Do I like them?” Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay--you should just focus on how you feel about them.

Another important aspect of first dates that I feel doesn’t get discussed enough is boundaries. You always need to set boundaries for your comfort and safety. This includes meeting somewhere public, paying for your own food or drink, and setting a time limit. I always limit my first dates to about an hour, whether or not it ends up being good or bad. At the start of the date I’ll tell them that I have a doctor’s appointment or that I have to pick up a friend from work at a certain time so I can only stay for an hour and a half or so; this excuse is rarely true, but it allows you to end the date without it being awkward, and it gives you an out if the date is going poorly. Even if the date is going well, you should leave them wanting more instead of staying until you run out of things to talk about.

One of my best pieces of advice that helps reduce my nervousness the most is this: get to the date early! I always try to arrive ten minutes before our set date time; it allows me to get my own food or drink and find somewhere to sit--it also removes the anxiety of looking for your date in a crowd.

Good First-Date Conversation Topics

First-date conversations should be fun! There are so many things to learn about the new person sitting in front of you, and now is your chance to find out all the things you have in common (or things you differ on). Some of my favorite things to talk about on the first date are favorite movies, music, hobbies, school, traveling, and any other topics or issues that I think are important. I try to avoid more serious topics like my sex life, exes, and any super personal issues I’m dealing with--if they talk about any of those things in detail, it’s usually a red flag for me. I always save more personal conversations for the second or third date once I feel like I know the person a little better.

Some of my biggest red flags for first date conversations are: they don’t contribute to the conversation, they ask questions that are too personal or make you uncomfortable, they only talk about themselves or they never ask you any of their own questions, they make an excessive amount of self-deprecating jokes, they make fun of you in a way that isn’t funny but makes you feel obligated to laugh (the audacity), or if they go on their phone in the middle of your conversation. You should always feel like the other person is as interested in learning about you as you are in learning about them.

Accepting or Rejecting Your Date

Once the date is over, I’m usually pretty aware of whether or not I want to go on a second date with that person. No matter what, I always text them a few hours later to thank them and let them know I had a good time. If I wasn’t feeling it, I’ll usually send a text that looks like this:

“Hi, I had a great time getting to know you but I just didn’t really feel a connection between us, I hope you understand and good luck with everything!”

Even though it sucks, it’s a lot more mature than just ghosting someone. Sometimes I’ll tell them that I’d rather just be friends, but only say that if you actually want to be friends with them (I’ve also made that mistake). 

If the date went well, you should just text them and let them know you’d be happy to hang out again, and maybe bring up something you guys talked about on the date (ex: if they gave you a movie recommendation, let them know what you thought of it).

Dating apps can be exhausting and complicated, but if you can get them right, they’re totally worth it.